Since finding out I was pregnant and becoming a Mumma I really miss modelling. I only got chance to shoot with 3 photographers earlier this year but I feel like due to lack of content to post, photographers I’ve worked with in the last year barely posting our content, being pregnant and now having a baby, that by the time I can/feel ready to get back into shooting again that no one will want to work with me and I’ll have just become forgotten about within the small modelling community I’m familiar with.
To be fair I only got into modelling properly in March 2018 and I worked my assoff and spent a lot of money building up my portfolio, yet I feel all my hard work has been for nothing. I was hoping from how quickly it took off for me that I could turn my modelling into more of a job this year than an expensive hobby. Unfortunately no one seems to want to pay models now or even just cover their travel (from my experience if you don’t have/aren’t with an agency). Don’t get me wrong I LOVE shooting for SG, and will continue to do so (as much as I feel a bit left out and slightly invisible in the community more or less after becoming pink and not being able to be as active on the site since being heavily pregnant as both happened at the same time), but I was hoping to get more work outside of that so I have more experience and can be more versatile.
Due to unfortunate circumstances towards the end of last year I’ve had ZERO interest from photographers since, aside from the shoots I’d already organised for the beginning of this year so now I feel there’s really no point in continuing as much as I love and really miss modelling. Not only that, but my body has obviously changed A LOT in the last few months and I was already incredibly insecure about certain parts of my body, yet seeing images after a shoot and knowing my angles made me feel less insecure and gave me a confidence boost. However the parts I was insecure about before are now heightened due to the pregnancy and having a baby and so now I’m unsure if I’ll even feel comfortable/confident in front of a camera again. In some ways I feel like, well you won’t know unless you try, but in other ways I feel, well no ones shown interest in shooting again, none of my followers or subscribers have asked if I’ll be coming back to it so maybe I just shouldn’t bother. Maybe I had a good run in my first year so I should just quit whilst I’m ahead so to speak. But, aside from my hairdressing which I’ve done for over 12 years now, its the one thing that I loved and feel very passionately about and I haven’t had that feeling of strong passion for something of my own, just for me, for such a long time.
I suppose right now I just feel rather lost. Becoming a new mum is very scary and daunting, it’s the unknown, but it’s also very exciting and I just love being with my baby girl all the time and I just want to stay in this bubble and never leave. But at the same time I do miss modelling and doing something to make me feel good about myself as the last 6 months have been totally dedicated to work, and looking after myself for the baby and just making sure I can provide for her. Only now I don’t know what direction I’m heading in, not a clue what I’m doing in any aspect of my life really and I suppose I was always hopeful I’d have things in the pipeline to look forward to with getting back to modelling as and when I felt ready so it’s rather disheartening that I’ve had zero interest from absolutely anyone. That being said, a few close friends I have in the SG community that I’ve briefly spoken to about my feelings with modelling again have been so supportive and encouraging and I’m so glad I’ve made such lovely friends within SG who understand and to seek advice from.
I don’t really know where I was going with writing this, I just needed to get some things off my chest. I don’t know if I’ll come back to modelling. All I know is that I miss it, I miss going to new places, I miss meeting new people, I miss the positive feeling it gives me, the feeling of actually liking myself, leaving knowing the photographer was really happy with the work, I miss seeing the results from hard work that goes into it.
We shall we what happens later this year or next year but for now I’m happy in my bubble with my baby girl 💜
Much love, Sammiii xo
