So I’ve written lots of blogposts during my pregnancy all to do with the up’s & down’s you face along the way and a lot to do with mental health during pregnancy. I chose to write honestly about the hard parts we women face during pregnancy especially if you suffer with bad mental health as all the blogs, insta accounts and books you read never really mention the hard and tricky parts we have to face. Some of us are lucky and can have a fairly easy pregnancy but a lot of us struggle and usually hide away and pretend it’s not a thing. We don’t tell our friends, family, loved ones and for sure we don’t post it on social media because that’s just for the happy positive posts right? Well I found my pregnancy to be a breeze when it came to my body, I didn’t have sickness, back pain, heartburn, zero stretch marks etc... I only suffered puffy swollen ankles/feet, had a slight issue with my low blood pressure (nothing I wasn’t already use to), I didn’t gain a lot of weight. I was very lucky in that sense. Mentally however was extremely challenging and it was the unknown that frightened me the most.
Throughout my pregnancy I’d never really thought about the labour part, although it was unknown, it was the one thing that didn’t scare or worry me. I think due to battling the pains of Ulcerative Colitis I basically thought I’d smash it, that it would be a breeze! And for the most part I was surprisingly correct!
On Thursday the 22nd of August after having what I thought was braxton hicks on and off all day I started having contractions at 23:05... I was sat on the edge of my bed, squeezing my mermaid stress ball, watching Friends on Netflix with my puppy Honey looking very confused and crying 😂I waited a little while before phoning the maternity ward to ask when was best to go in and I managed to hang on till 4am before heading to the hospital. I was so happy when we arrived and they said I’d be able to have a pool birth as that was something I’d always wanted! However before allowing you in the pool they run a bath to see if the water will help with the contractions and if you actually enjoy being in the water. After being in the bath tub for about an hour and a half, my baby girls Dad arrived after travelling 3 hours to stay by my side. After a couple of hours I ended up getting out of the bath tub to stretch my legs and have a bit of a break before getting in the pool. Whilst waiting to get in the pool I laid on a bed in the ward and my mum suggested I eat something where I hadn’t had anything for hours but as soon as I ate a biscuit I had a contraction and threw up a lot! As time went on, with each contraction my legs would shake like crazy, I’d get awful cramp mostly in my right leg and I’d throw up or have the urge to be sick but not actually vomit. It was rather all daunting as I hadn’t read about that anywhere before. Eventually I got to go into the pool and with each contraction I had my stress ball in one hand and either my Mums or Sams (baby daddy’s) in the other haha! After a few hours the contractions were getting more and more intense by which time I said I wanted some gas and air to help as up until that point the warmth of the water was soothing enough. After a few goes on gas and air, with the heat of the water and my low blood pressure, I just couldn’t take it so I stopped the gas and air as I’d rather stay in the pool as I found it so relaxing. Time went by and without the gas and air I found it easier to cope with the pain on my hands and knees which couldn’t have been a pleasant view for my Mum and Sam haha! A few more hours passed having had the hot water topped up 3 times now, I just couldn’t cope anymore with the heat and just wanted to lay down for a bit. I got helped out of the pool and laid onto some large comfy mats and sheets which made up a bed, pads put on my stomach to monitor the baby and turned onto my side. More hours went by and still no sign of the baby arriving nor had my waters broken yet, so my midwife decided to try and help things along by breaking my waters for me and still with each contraction my legs shook like crazy, I’d get cramp, I threw up and still would squeeze someone’s hand and it was showing that I was starting to struggle.
My midwife suggested two options, an epidural to help with the pain or diamorphine which just makes you drowsy between contractions so I could rest a bit but makes the contractions feel heightened as you’re then more awake for them. She said that would probably be best as it didn’t look like the baby was going to arrive in the next few hours. I was so exhausted by this point I opted for the diamorphine.
This is when things took a turn for the worse...
After roughly an hour an a half our little girl decided she wanted to make an appearance! By this time I was so tired and things seemed so intense that from this point onwards everything is a bit of a blur. I remember the monitors on my stomach being changed numerous times, getting pushed down onto my tummy to try and find her heartbeat, more and more midwives surrounding me and being rushed off to another room as I was drifting in and out of sleep. Suddenly I was sat up, with about 5 midwives/doctors stood around me, squeezing my mums hand and being told to keep pushing and hearing Sam encouraging me telling me I was doing amazing. I remember hearing someone say “we need to get her out now. You need to do one big push” and I just looked at my mum and Sam, cried and said I can’t, I can’t push anymore. Next thing I know the doctors said “we don’t have time we need to get her out” and I saw the forceps. I remember thinking how the hell are they going to fit to pull her out?! It looked terrifying. This is when I remember feeling scared and I just looked over at Sam who looked equally as scared and we held hands and they pulled our baby girl out.
Writing this next part I’m tearing up, because this was easily the scariest moment in my whole entire life. My baby girl was pulled out and silence just washed over the room, she was the palest shade of blue. We got a quick glimpse of her face as she was then covered with a towel, being rubbed on the back as the midwife said “she just needs a little oxygen” and off she went. Our little girl was rushed out the room and an alarm went off and all we saw was about 20 odd doctors/nurses/midwifes all rush off to get our girl breathing again. Sam asking what was going on, why wasn’t she breathing, my mum holding both our hands telling us everything was going to be ok, she just needs a little more oxygen trying to calm us down yet I could see by her face she was just as scared as we were. I’ve been told it was 10 minutes we were without her. That time without my baby felt like a life time. I felt like I was drowning. All I kept thinking was I need her to be ok. She needs to be ok. I asked my Dad to watch over her and bring her back safely to us. In those 10 minutes, 3 different members of staff came in to tell us she was ok and just needed a bit more oxygen yet each time that door opened my heart stopped as we thought it was our baby girl. After what felt like a lifetime whilst I was still being stitched up, she was finally brought into us and tears flooded my eyes. Myself and Sam just broke down as she was placed in my arms, I kissed her forehead and with her tiny little hand she grabbed hold of my little finger. Finally for the first time in my life I felt complete and like my life finally has meaning. I couldn’t stop crying, nor could Sam as he stroked my hair, kissed the top of my head and thanked me. At this moment I shut my eyes for a second and in my head thanked my Dad for watching over us and bringing my girl back to us safely. I can’t help but feel he was her guardian angel that day.
We ended up having to stay in hospital for a few days as due to the diamorphine I was given and Violet deciding to come so quickly afterwards this is why she was born not breathing as the diamorphine hadn’t worn off yet. To get her breathing they had to give her a drug to counteract the effects of the diamorphine and due to all of this it was obviously a shock to her system so after her first feed (after 5 minutes of being in my arms) she then slept for hours and my little girl didn’t feed for over 11 hours. This was rather worrying to not only me and Sam but staff as well. She would not only refuse my breast but formula/bottle too. Once she finally fed and I was able to be a bit more mobile on my feet we were given the ok to go home.
The staff on the maternity ward couldn’t do enough for us and I’m so so grateful to them for looking after me and getting my baby out safely. The whole experience was incredible but so terrifying.
People don’t talk about the details of giving birth, especially the scary parts, or even the gross funny parts; I mean I shat myself a lot 😂(if they tell you you didn’t, they’re lying. They can easily hide it so you never know, except for if you’re in a pool 🙄🙈😂)
Anyway...
My labour started off perfect for me, the water birth I’d always wanted but never thought I’d get after being told I’d never be able to have kids. Yet it ended up being the scariest moment of my whole life. I could not have got through it without Sam or my Mums support. You can read any number of books but nothing can prepare you for the unexpected things that can go wrong. Which is why I’m writing this after being asked multiple times about my labour and what happened. I feel if more women were as open a lot of us wouldn’t be so apprehensive. The unknown is daunting, but can also be an incredible life changing experience. I’m so grateful for mine as I now have my beautiful Violet Valencia
If you’re about to become a mumma, don’t panic because you’ve got this girl! 💕
Much love, Sammiii xo
