Wow, isn’t pregnancy a crazy rollercoaster of emotions!
Sometimes I still can’t believe I only found out about 12 weeks ago and I’m due in just 9-10 weeks! My little unexpected miracle has literally saved my life and I’m not exaggerating.
Last year was very difficult for me mentally despite some amazing memories it was mentally one of the toughest years of my life, (you’ll understand if you’ve read my previous blogs). Entering this year I was very lost and low. I didn’t know what direction my life was heading in. I was incredibly lonely, I felt like I’d lost very close friends, I couldn’t cope with my home life, I was struggling to get any modelling work, I didn’t know if I wanted to carry on hairdressing anymore, if to move off the island I live on and just start somewhere new, or if to just end everything. I was very close and tempted by the latter. At the time I felt like it was my love for my puppy keeping me around but then I started to feel someone else could give her a better life. Then I ended up incredibly ill with my colitis after my treatment didn’t work and that’s when I found out about my baby girl, my nugget. No wonder my head had been all over the place because I was unknowingly 4 months pregnant so my hormones had been going crazy!
I came off all my medication for my illness and ended up in remission, carried on seeing my mental health specialist, got back in touch with friends I thought I’d lost, and even gained an incredible new best friend in my Baby Daddy. Everything seemed to be falling into place. My growing baby bump making me feel so content and happy. I finally felt like I had a meaning in life, finally felt like I knew why I was here, why previous attempts to leave had failed. But then everything seemed to go wrong again. How I’d been feeling earlier in the year all came flooding back but 10x stronger. Distance with friends, feeling lost in myself, where I belong, home life, the modelling world, everything feels horrible again, except for my baby girl.
When I become low I just want to shut off and hide from the world but also like to vent how I feel. Which is what I’m doing here. I feel better getting things off my chest, then it’s done. Move on.
I just feel like since being pregnant I’ve kind of become forgotten about and I just feel invisible. Some of my closest friends barely talk to me and I just feel everyone’s moved on and I’m left behind and especially where I can’t model right now I just feel like I can’t get involved in anything. My mental health has taken a big kick since I’ve not been well with my low blood pressure and all the crazy baby hormones. It’s been really hard so I thought I’d take a step back from everything, insta, group chats and no one would notice anyway. I’ve been low for weeks and been seeking help, opening up to friends and got fuck all back. I feel like since November time after ‘clearing the air’ on events last year I’ve just become forgotten about in the modelling world. I’ve only worked with 3 photographers (all friends of mine), never had one paid shoot. Last year I was doing 3-6 shoots a month for 5 months roughly once my modelling took off, this year just 3 shoots. That’s SO incredibly disheartening although now can’t be helped due to being pregnant. It’s been incredibly hard going from having close/best friends you talk to almost daily to literally nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand everyone has their own lives, their own shit going on. No one messages, no one wants to do things with me. I just sit and watch from the outside as everyone carries on with their social lives and I’m just left behind. I know being pregnant there’s a lot of things you can’t do but no one wants to seem to make plans or do things I can join in with, which is incredibly hard. It’s so hard opening up to people when you suffer mentally and after being asked to open up as to why I went quiet, I poured my heart out and got no reply. Nothing. That’s hurtful. So now I just need some time as I just feel incredibly invisible and lost right now.
I’m just so thankful for my baby girl wriggling around, getting bigger and bigger and making me feel so needed and loved and she isn’t even born yet! The connection is just something else, I can’t even begin to describe. And I’ve been incredibly lucky for her to have such an amazing Dad whose been the biggest support ever. I’m so grateful.
Hoping soon everything will fall into place and my mind will become clearer as I feel I’ve lost myself slightly in all the craziness of the last few months.
I just know when my baby girl is here, everything will be ok and I’m trying my hardest to stay positive and gain control over my EUPD, depression and anxiety to be the best Mumma I can be for nugget 💜
Much love,
Sammiii xo
