Since announcing my pregnancy I’ve had a lot of messages about my mental health and saying how excited I must be now and it’s good to see me so happy. Yes I am incredibly happy, especially as I thought this day would never come for me as I was told I’d never be able to have kids.
Unfortunately I’ve had a rough start to the year mentally with my EUPD, depression and anxiety being the worse they’ve been in a long time. The week that I found out I was expecting was very hard for me as I was told me feeling so unwell was my colitis reacting badly to my treatment and that if I was no better by the end of the week I’d be admitted to hospital to have my colon removed and a bag fitted. Hearing that sent me downhill and I was incredibly low and anxious. 2 days later I found out I was pregnant. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in shock, one minute thinking I was going to have life changing surgery needing my colon removed and a stoma bag fitted, to then being told I’m going to be a Mum, another life changing situation. It was A LOT to get my head around and in all honesty I couldn’t cope. Then I became incredibly low with guilt. This had been all I’d ever wanted in life, my dream, and yet I was so low from everything that had happened I felt guilty that I wasn’t bursting with happiness and excitement. Then that guilt became to overpowering, I was overthinking it all so much that it made me feel even more depressed and all I wanted was to be happy about my little miracle.
Luckily, I see a mental health specialist every month and she’s helped me massively with my low mood from the shock of everything in such a short space of time. Mental health is so important and I spoke to her about my concerns of my mental health after my little one arrives so we’ve got a plan in place to see her as much as possible as and when I want during and after the pregnancy which has reassured me massively. Battling EUPD, depression and anxiety all mixed with baby hormones is a lot to take on and is extremely difficult. Although I do have low points, it doesn’t take away from the happiness I do feel and the excitement of meeting my little miracle. She’s already given my life meaning and a reason to carry on and something to focus on and I want to make sure I have my mental health under control for her sake as much as my own. Most of all I’m determined to fight this even more now as I want to be the best I possibly can for her and make her proud that I’m her Mumma.
I already can’t thank her enough for giving my life meaning but also how important mental health can be. It’s taken a lot for me to write this and hope people can be understanding but also acknowledge mental health is a scary thing and people need to speak more openly about it. I never knew how bad it could get during pregnancy and wish I’d been more aware of it as it’s a scary thing at any time but I was not prepared for how I felt in the first couple of weeks of finding out about my pregnancy. I’m just grateful for the support I have and the love I’m already starting to feel for her 💕
Don’t be afraid to speak out,
Much love Sammiii xo
