I need a rant, I’m sorry but after having an amazing weekend away I’ve now had the bullshit of reality hit me and I need to vent.
I’m fed up of always having being treated like shit when it comes to relationships, made to feel constantly guilty, worthless, unwanted and like I need to try harder and constantly fight for someone’s love and affection. I’m yet to meet someone in life that treats me as an equal and to feel loved and it just seems to get harder and harder as I get older. My year started off horrendously, having said goodbye to the love of my life going away for a month, to go home being locked out of my house and having to break in to my own home, to then a couple of weeks later my long term relationship ending via a text message, almost ending up homeless, to moving back to my mums, encounter rough patches in life leaving me to contemplate suicide 3 times this year, getting diagnosed with bipolar, falling quick for someone to get crushed again. I’ve spent this last year struggling with a lot in life, home, work, friends, financially struggling and I’m just still feeling so lost and like I’m in a constant battle with my head and life.
Although if you follow my Instagram you’ll have seen that I literally had THE best weekend away with these two gorgeous girls that I got the chance to meet back at Corfu shootfest, and I’m so incredibly grateful that Suicide Girls brought us together or I may have never of met them and I’m so lucky I get to call them my friends and always have so many laughs in their company. I adore you both @brizelll and @asxna 💕
All I know right now is modelling and my puppy make me happy. I need to find my own place as I was happiest when I lived out of home but it’s so hard financially right now to do so. I’ve tried so hard to find my feet this year and I feel like I’ve done that with my modelling but everything else is still just such a stressful mess and I’m clearly too fucked up to be loved or worth someone’s time. I know deep deep down that’s it’s not really true I guess but I also can’t ignore that voice in my head.
Life is hard and all about growing and although for me I’ve had a very hard year I’ve also had some amazing opportunities and I am very grateful to Suicide Girls for that 💖
Sammiii xo
