So after recent events I can’t hold back anymore and need to let everything out, so if you’re expecting me to finally write an uplifting, inspiring and happy blogpost then you are sadly mistaken. So you can either skip past this or grab a cuppa and have a good ol’ read ☕️
So last week I’d just got back from the most AMAZING trip ever with a bunch of uk suicide girls and photographers. If you’ve been following me on instagram then you know I went to Corfu for the week all organised by the awesome @midnightpoison and I honestly can’t thank her enough for it! The trip was just what I needed to feel better and give me a boost and in all honesty I think it’s saved me from an awful mental state so I’m extremely grateful for that.
If you’ve read my last couple of blogposts then you’ll know I’ve not been having the best year so far. Back in June due to actions of a girl and a few others, or shall we say ‘clique’ of girls all of which are involved in SG, I hit a really bad place as did a dear friend of mine. Both different situations, something at the time I for one was too scared to talk about, as I felt extremely intimidated, but after meeting amazing girls at Corfu shootfest I feel more people need to be open, especially about mental health and made to be aware of certain situations. Due to things I went through recently, (some of which you can read here) I ended up in a really bad place. To the point I was too scared to talk in group chats, post on social media, message friends I’d usually speak to daily, go outside. I’d have panic attack’s going to work, to the shop, which is ridiculous as I’d actually done nothing wrong in the slightest. In fact I’d apologised for something that wasn’t even my fault. I let this anxiety from being intimidated control my life, to the point I couldn’t cope anymore and went and sat in a field contemplating ending my life. That is not fair. No one should be made to feel that worthless and small. However, after my last blogpost this was all meant to have been resolved or so I thought, little did I know how wrong I was. Weeks later I went to an event where I was made to feel like shit yet to not drag it out any longer so we could all move on I told everyone I got upset at the event due to my anxiety (basically told half of the truth) so we could all move on and just be happy. But no. I get blocked left, right and centre 🙃😂
All of this pettiness, not only what I’ve gone through but my close friend also, is all so pathetic. I’ve had abuse and nastiness for something so childish to the point it makes me feel like I’m back in high school. High school was not a great time for me, nor was college. I was bullied continuously for 13 years. I had verbal and psychical abuse in that time which has left me with horrendous anxiety and depression which can be triggered by the smallest of things. This is most probably why I’ve not handled everything this year in the best or most dignified manner (I cry a lot on my insta stories for which I’m sorry 🙄😂). I’ve had numerous counselling sessions and medication in the past but they can only do so much. It was during my time in college that I discovered Suicide Girls and signed up. I’ve admired the models and adored the community for yearssss and it was thanks to the community that made me aspire to model and grow comfortable in my own body and accept who I am as a person.
Since finally being physically well enough to model I’ve come across some of the most amazing people, 2 models which have become my best friends that I wouldn’t have met without Suicide Girls, I’ve worked with some amazing photographers and been lucky enough to get involved on trips away! Yet sadly it’s all been tainted. And more recently my eyes have been opened to see it’s not actually who you are, or what you do to get far and do well, but it’s who you know. Not just in modelling but any industry. Which is sad as I’ve watched people’s hard work recently go unnoticed.
I joined SG because I loved the community, but I’m not loving this. What I’ve seen and experienced is what some people have said is basically borderline bullying. And I for one do not agree with that and I find it incredibly sad that a lot of people here have no idea about some of the going ons. Huge models, new SG’s, putting newbies down. Yet for a community that is meant to be about EMPOWERING other women, women sticking together, embracing who you are, from all different walks of life, yet I’ve barely experienced that since I started the modelling side. It’s funny how many girls I talk to look up to these ‘bigger’ models, just like I did, yet are aware of what’s gone on yet are too intimidated to say anything and continue to basically kiss ass. Well that’s not me, I’m sorry. I’m not one to ditch people/friends for models/companies of bigger names. I’m now not one to sit quietly in the corner either like I did so my whole life growing up. Especially when it’s resorted in girls becoming suicidal.
Corfu shootfest has restored my faith in SG and the community as I met some of the most incredible people. But from what I have learnt so far is that, yes I am a lone unicorn, I prefer to keep to myself but I stick by my friends, I support other people and if I upset someone or I am in the wrong I will happily apologise because we are not here to belittle and put others down and I speak up for what I believe in.
Thank you to my Corfu Shootfest family and the babes I get to call my close friends @daisygrey @fyre_ @brizelll @asxna for supporting me when you know what I’ve been through the last few months 💖
Now to not dwell on past experiences and continue to grow and follow my dreams.
Lots of Love
Sammiii xo
