So I’m sorry I’ve been rather quiet recently guys and what I’m about to post will seem all too similar to my last blog post but unfortunately again I’ve been having a rough time. My anxiety and depression have been bad for a couple of months now and before my last bad spell I’d been bottling a lot of shit up and pretending to be ok when I really needed to seek help. I did the same thing again after recent events a few weeks ago and last week it all just got too much and I broke down in tears to a friend which then triggered an awful panic attack and a little meltdown a few days ago which made me decide to take a few days off from posting so much on social media which you’d have noticed if you follow me on Instagram.
I’m fed up of all the crap life has thrown at me in the last year and got tipped over the edge the other day when I heard more bullshit rumours about myself. I’m fed up of being shat on by people and hearing pathetic lies about myself. I know to survive I need to learn to grow a thicker skin and just ignore it. Just after everything I’ve been dealt so far in life it just gets so tiring and to be honest the other day I just got sick of fighting what feels like a losing battle. And to be honest I do still feel like that. I thought joining this community it was all about girls empowering each other and supporting other women and making friends with the same values as myself however that hasn’t been completely the case which I’ve found hard but I have made some AMAZING friends along the way so far, some of which have become very close and important to me like @daisygrey amd @fyre_ to name a couple 💖 They have literally saved me from making stupid harmful mistakes which could’ve ended badly have they not been there to intervene and give me words of encouragement. I couldn’t have got through this last month without them. Considering I only really properly got into modelling this year it has been tougher than I thought, I mean the modelling/shoots I LOVE but it has felt like taking a step back to high school with rumours and miscommunication and with high school being the toughest years of my life and having left me with huge mental scars it has been a struggle for me. But that’s not to say I’m giving up because all the good from it outweighs the bad huge amounts!
They say to be truly happy and to be in love you need to first accept and love yourself. The thing is when my depression and anxiety aren’t eating me up inside I do love myself but everyone has bad days. But in all honesty I’m happiest and more content when I’m in a relationship as my depression and anxiety are so much easier to manage as I just feel more content. But last year my relationship had been slowly coming to an end a long time before it actually finished yet I was trying so hard to pretend to everyone else that everything was fine that I also pushed my depression to the back of my mind and after pretending for so long now, I feel like it’s all just exploded at once this last week.
I’m dealing with it but please bare with me and allow me some time. I’ll still be posting on social media but won’t be as responsive to messages as I’ve learnt I need to prioritise myself and my own happiness for once in my life instead of always taking care of others, caring too much about what people think, especially those that don’t even know me, and putting others opinions and needs before my own. I’ve been fucked over by my ex, guys I’ve recently dated, and so called ‘mates’ enough in the last year to last me a lifetime.
I just want to find my own happiness and focus on the things that make me smile 💖
Sammiii xo
