samlonghorn

Why am I always sick with flu or something at the beginning of the year?
Oh well, maybe it is my crazy immune system saying that the Christmas holiday just wasn't long enough. Stupid immune system - get the fuck over it, you're a slave now.....live with it, deal with it.

So, what's happened this week? Nothing really....I've (perhaps) stupidly agreed to do a stand up comedy set by the end of the year. The comedy night I go down to generally has themeless comedians, one liners about their "lives"....so, I'll probably stick to the same drill and throw in a couple of stories. I've come up with about 3 to 4 minutes of material so far - need another 6 to 10....

The general drill at this comedy club is to be offensive/crude without being truly horrible - a guy who had his first gig on Wednesday had a couple of bright spots that were moderately crude but resigned himself to telling stories that just weren't funny. So, I won't be making his mistake.

So far, this is what I have......

...introduction....I'm a bit down at the moment due to a recent death in the family...but as a result I came into some money....so I'd check your change when you're next at the bar.

I split up with my girlfriend last month - she was stunning to look at, but she became too hot to handle so I left her....in a house fire.

But I met a girl on the rebound....I guess I had to stick around really - the guy that knocked her over just drove off.

I became a father last year.....I never realised how stressful it would be....all the constant shit and whining. Not a moment's peace, and my Sunday's were ruined. So I quit the church.

I've had a few jobs in my life. I was once a Shun Spy, but I wasn't very good and was told I needed to be quicker with my results. Now I'm a Russian Spy.

I then worked as an accountants apprentice in Dublin. We were out drinking by the sea one day and he started pointing and said (Irish acent) "What's that over there?". I replied "17 and a half percent"

I then got a job writing erotic fiction. It was very easy, paid a month in hand too....had to quit because they were nothing more than than sexual advances.

I also worked at the dubiously named "International Radiators". It was a good job, great benefits, plenty of international travel. My friends were concerned though - they were convinced that I was working for an evil megolomaniac. I asked them why they thought that and they said "Well, a combination of the orange bolier suit, your helicopter pilot training and the fact that you can't fire an AK47 straight are just telltale signs really".

I'm also a recovering alcoholic - I fell off my chair and fractured my collarbone last month.

I joined my Neighbourhood Watch scheme last year. Now they have a restraining order and I've been asked to leave.

I took up golf last week. I arrived at the club and asked to play a round. "Do you have a driver?" they asked. "No, I walked here". "I'll get you some clubs then....would you like some balls?"
They also have a restraining order.

I went to the doctor's yesterday. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked. "My right shoulder and arm are always aching". He replied "You masturbate too much."
"You think so?" I queried.
"Yes. Now go home - I have other patients to see" he said, wiping his face.

I recently found out that a musician friend was into scat - we haven't spoken since last week when he said that we should go out and get shit-faced.

One Christmas as a child my parents told me that they'd got me the perfect stocking filler. When I opened it I was horrified to find a severed foot.

.....



And that's an evening's work. Some might be slightly plagiarised from other sources, but apart from the last one which is adapted from a Mitch Hedberg joke.

The easy part I guess is writing them....the hard part is standing up in front of people and just doing it.....

What have a done? I only agreed because it was a New year resolution to perform on stage this year.....