So, as promised. Even though I can't stand complaining, I feel the need to explain my absence.
I've really been struggling for the past 12 months. Having been independent I moved into a situation which wasn't ideal for my state of mind. I argued with a bunch of people; my illness creating tensions where there previously were none. People and situations have slipped out of my reach, some for better and some for worse.
I really thought I'd started to tackle it head on back in April. I'd quit smoking, started eating better, and started religiously working out. But stress and a hot summer got the better of me. I started smoking again and started snacking like crazy. I've put on 28lbs since I stopped smoking the first time. During my attempt to better myself I lost 9lbs, but they're back. It's hard for someone with a near eating disorder to accept putting on weight, especially since I base so much of my own self worth on my appearance, even knowing that I shouldn't. And I'm not shaming anyone, either, it's about being happy in my own skin. And I am not.
I don't really mention my age on here, but I'm going to, now. I'm 31, and the lack of care I've given my body has resulted in quite a lot of pain and problems. I can't work a morning without needing to sleep for a few hours afterwards, and my knees and feet are starting to give up. This is all stuff that is possible to fix, but my silly brain has prevented me from doing so.
I'm still doing therapy, but my therapist has been off work for several months, which I thought I could handle, but apparently I was wrong. I guess I just wish I could give myself the respect that I try to give to everyone else, but internalising my disorder has led to a self hatred so strong that it's immensely difficult to get out of. I had to take several weeks off work myself because I just couldn't handle facing people, patients, and my colleagues. That, of course, had my bank balance suffering massively.
However, for the past month or so, I've really been trying. I've been going out and doing things, seeing things and making friends (which is nothing short of a miracle past 30), and it is, slowly, starting to make me feel better. I've started cooking healthier meals and walking more, and I've cut my smoking right back again. I'm drinking a bit much and going a bit over the top with other things, but I believe that's something I can rein in fairly easily. It's helping, but I still have days like today, where I feel like a complete disappointment to myself and those around me.
There was so much that I was going to do this year; I started out with the best of intentions and some determination, but it got sapped both by myself and others around me. I wish I could go back 4 years and tell myself to sort my shit out more quickly.
But I want y'all to know that I am trying, that I am getting better, and that I'm still here, even though it may not seem like it. All we can do is our best, right? And if my best is minimal then it's still my best. And there are things I've managed to stick to - I gave up meat just over a year ago and I've been 100% true to that. I'm putting as much money away as possible to try to save for a better future. I'm leaning on those who will allow me to, for support, and receiving it.
There's always a silver lining, even if it's completely invisible, so I'm just pushing and waiting for it to come back to me.
Much love to you all.
Salliss
