So I had a look back and noticed that I haven't really blogged at all this year. Considering how on top of things I used to be, that really made me upset. I hope that people have been able to get a good picture of how my life has been, though, through the tonnes of instagram posts. But that doesn't excuse it, so. I warn you that this is going to be a very long blog, with many pictures, and many awesome people, some of whom have saved my life this year.
It pleases me to have grown a lot closer to a lot of people this year, to have met so many awesome new people, and to have grown within myself so much.
To begin, back in January, I decided after having the diagnosis for eight years, to admit that to me, Borderline Personality Disorder is a disability. I am unable to do things in the same way as able people, and have a lot of physical side effects too. Realising this and coming to the decision to admit it, had a really positive impact on my life.
However, that didn't stop me from ending up in a coma in April.
Yep, it beat me again.
Those of you who have been following my actually insane adventures over the past nine years that I have been a Suicide Girl, will know that back in December of 2009, I tried to take my own life. Those of you who don't know, have just found out. I'd say that I'm sorry, but I'm not. It happened. It's a thing, that happens. I received a diagnosis of BPD which I ignored, which in turn made things worse. The peak of my "insanity" if you will was in 2012. I won't go into what happened mostly because I don't want to and it's now become a story that I babble at the speed of light so that I don't get asked to go into detail. In return for that insanity I got a dog. The same dog that you see in my pictures. That dog is my everything, my therapy. But she wasn't around in April when my illness won me over again.
For six years I had been taking Lamotrigine (or Lamictal in the States), which is a mood stabiliser, and thought (wrongly) that it was doing me the world of good. I had also been taking beta blockers for my anxiety for around six months. But when it won me over I ended up taking a months worth of Lamotrigine at once, and all the beta blockers I had left.
Now, Lamotrigine is not mainly used as a mood stabiliser, it is mainly used as medicine for those who suffer from Epilepsy. Going from taking no Lamotrigine to a high dose of Lamotrigine can actually cause Epileptic fits and death, so those who take it for other reasons tend to start on a low dose and work their way up. That is what happened with me. I was taking 250mg of Lamotrigine per day at the time of my overdose.
And let me tell you what.
250mg x 31 = 7750mg of Lamotrigine
+
40mg x 12 = 480mg of beta blockers
= (in this order)
Vomiting. Lack of consciousness. Epileptic fit. Heart slows to a stop. Coma. Intubation. Massive weight loss. Extreme hallucinations. Family in tears. Friends in tears. Inability to move. Ability to do all but walk. Inability to stand up without blacking out. Nightmares. Sleep paralysis. Eventual recovery.
I urge you guys, if anyone is suicidal, talk to someone. If you still absolutely have to do it, please do not use Lamotrigine. It is a horrific way to go, and if you are saved, you likely won't be as lucky as me. That should have killed me, and the last thing I would have been is vomiting on some guy's bed singing myself into an early, messy, horrific, grave.
I haven't told you this to shock you. I am not shocked by what my illness can do, and no one else should be either. I tell you this so that someone else might not witness the horrors I witnessed during my "recovery" where every nurse was a nurse from Silent Hill and my family were demons.
So, unfortunately, my first few pictures ain't good ones, but they might show you something.
This is how much weight you lose in just a couple of days in a coma.
Also, since those drugs don't let you go peacefully, here is what you do to your hands and arms repeatedly ripping out cannulas.
I'm done with that now, but please for god's sake bear my story in mind if you feel this way.
Let's move onto a happier topic. I've actually been doing absolutely loads of stuff since then. My friends found out what happened to me and bought me a ticket to Download Festival to cheer me up. It sure worked. Download Festival is my favourite place on the planet. Everything is so relaxed. You can do whatever you'd like. I saw some incredible bands, and spend loads of time with some of my favourite people, @lzzyfoxx @symmetra and @je5us being some of them. I'll start to spoiler pictures now, because there's lots of them coming up.
Shortly after that, @symmetra had a party at her house. Some of the Download crew came to that, which was awesome. We got drunk and ate halloumi.
After that, I went to London and stayed with @disco for a few days. I actually love her so much. She and I have gotten a lot closer over the past 12 months, and I could not be more thankful for my friendship for her. She completely gets me.
There was also a Suicidegirls Ballroom Blitz at that time, I had a great time but my phone was low on battery so ended up with no pictures.
In August, SG Blackheart Burlesque came back to the UK. I also shot a new set, with the excellent @drawingfromusic I will post spoilers later on in the blog, but here are some photos from that weekend!
Shortly before that, I had moved house. I moved into a flat in quite a bad area of my town, which makes for great entertainment. One evening in mid August I was watching a movie when I heard a lot of noise outside, I went to the window to see who was making all the racket, and realised that the people shouting, if they looked up, would be able to see me watching, because my light was on. I quickly ran to the other side of the room to switch off the lights, so that they wouldn't be able to see me, and ran straight into my desk chair. I realised something was really wrong, in the dark, because I couldn't move my toes. It took me a good while to be able to switch the lights back on, but when I did, this was the result. If you're squeamish don't click!
I was on crutches for several weeks after that, which made work quite difficult. Now, however, it has healed. I'm not exactly running and dancing yet, but with some physio, I will get there.
Then we get to probably the biggest part of my blog, Shootfest! A big thank you to @felis and @oddish who did the vast majority of organisation, and a huge thanks to all the models and photographers who showed up, especially those I shot with. I will include previews of all sets later on in the blog, but here are my candids from the shootfest. Some of these photos are stolen from other people who were there so thank you all for all the photos!
So that was shootfest. It was incredible. Was so grateful to meet new people and have some well needed time away.
Had a housewarming party at my house. We played Cards Against Humanity for 6 hours and it was excellent.
Here are some things I have found funny over the last few months.
And here's something I have not found funny.
Upon admitting my disability I have found that the help available to me through the government in the UK is extremely biased and lacking. I am entitled, due to having a disability, to a benefit called Personal Independence Payment. Unfortunately this is nearly impossible to get, because someone with no background in mental health basically tells you "you're not disabled enough for this" repeatedly. I now have to go to a tribunal to dispute it. It's extremely tiring, and it's no wonder that disabled people have died since cuts have been made to benefits in this country. I'm not entitled to anything else either. Because I have a job. I have had government employees tell me to get pregnant and or quit my job if I want help, and it is disgusting. I'm doing all the right things, I have a social worker, a therapist, I'm finally in the right kind of therapy. The health service are finally pulling their fingers out, but the government is meeting me with walls on all sides.
I still have my therapy animals, they're still kicking about, here they are.
I adore them, they bring me so much happiness. Couldn't ask for better animals.
Some random days/nights out with lovely people.
So here are some selfies from the past little while. This blog post is lagging massively as I try to write it, so I can't upload too many. I did say this would be a picture heavy blog! I regret nothing. (Oh gosh I just looked in the folder and there are 27 pictures in there. I hope this keeps you guys happy for a while!)
This next part is really exciting. This is where I big up my friends who have sets in Member Review or girls I think should go front page that definitely deserve your love. (At this point I really wanna thank @milloux @valo and @gemmaedwardsuk for working so hard and shooting so many gorgeous girls. Also this will be long because I'm gonna go back around 6 months since I've been so absent.
Now we get to the really exciting part of my blog. Everything you see from this point onwards is for sale other than back of camera shots. And there will be more becoming available soon too! SIGNED Prints from the following set previews are £50 each and I also have prints from previous sets available which I will list after you've seen what's coming! As you can see I've been very busy. I've been shooting and allsorts!
I have a set with @drawingfromusic going into Member Review in 3 months an 1 week! I'm so excited to see what you guys think of the full set but here are some previews.
At shootfest I shot with @casca @cersei @coolicio @davebuxton @gemmaedwardsuk and @r_girardi
These aren't in order of when they will appear, but hold tight because they are coming.
By @casca
Back of camera (well, more front of laptop but hey) with @cersei
Preview/back of camera or whatever it is with @coolicio
By @davebuxton
Back of camera with @gemmaedwardsuk
I also shot a multi with nearly every Suicide Girl at shootfest, although I don't have previews of that at all yet.
And finally, the Instax I've been holding onto for ages are finally going on sale. The large ones (signed) are £20 and the small ones are £15. These are one offs so please message me if you're interested. There are 27 please ask for whichever number you are interested in!
Other prints I have for sale, this is the last thing, I promise! There are 82 that have not already been listed above, so please ask for whichever number you are interested in!
Photographers that I have worked with feel free to get in touch if there's anything you wish to ask me about sale of prints or Instax.
And that concludes my extremely hefty blog. It has taken me 9 hours to write all this and add all of these pictures, so I really hope it uploads, I really hope it helps, and I really hope it entertains. I will write again soon, in November I have some wicked things going on so I'll have loads to write about. Much love to all of you.
Salliss
Feeling generous? Here's my Wishlist
