Thank you @rambo and @missy for this one, it is actually something I've been thinking about for some time.
2015 has been a year of change for me. Change of scenery, change of heart, change of career...
But 2015 has left me feeling sincerely underwhelmed as a whole, because despite all of those amazing changes that I have made, I have been pushing myself mainly to keep other people happy. To a point, I have sat back, done what I'm told, I have only spoken when spoken to. I have lost a lot of my passion, my drive, my self confidence, because of this. It got to a point in October where I couldn't even look in a mirror without despising what I saw scowling back at me. I stopped taking selfies, I stopped looking after myself, because I was so busy looking after everyone else. I put on weight, my skin and my hair suffered, and my mental health with it. I couldn't stand to be alone with my own thoughts because to do so felt selfish.
It was pointed out to me by @felis among others that this was wrong. And when that was pointed out to me it became blindingly obvious. I was so confused, and so torn. What was I meant to do with that information? Could I really hurt someone else in order to keep myself from tilting so dangerously over the edge?
I came to the conclusion that I had to. The pain I was in was causing pain around me. I had to stop.
So I committed a selfish act, for the first time this year, on December 21st. (For those of you in the know there seems to be a bit of a thing with me and this particular date.)
I do not condone constant selfishness, but if incessant selflessness causes you to become useless to those around you, then what is the point of it?
The phrase "looking out for number one" has never been more real to me. I have seen, now, what not doing that can do to a person. I have not liked who I am for many months.
In the week that has passed since I made that decision I have been able to look in a mirror, and while I still have some work to do to mend the damage done to my appearance due to stress, I have not been completely unimpressed with my reflection, and have been able to look longer than just a few seconds. I have even taken some selfies, which I am completely happy with.
Everyone always says new year's resolutions are pointless. Very few people manage to successfully give up chocolate/cigarettes/playing golf as a new year's resolution (although golf really should be a success, it's awful.) so I often feel that a resolution should be made very seriously. After all, the very definition of resolution is "a firm decision to do, or not do, anything". To be resolute is to be determined and unwavering. It is a serious thing.
So in terms of new year's resolutions, I'm going to base them all on what has happened to me this year. Which makes them seem somewhat complicated, but I hope I've been clear enough that you understand what they mean.
Be selfish, while also being selfless.
Don't allow myself to fall into the trap of being someone's everything.
Further myself first, help others second.
Never allow someone to make me feel like that again, including myself.
Fix my health, my skin, my hair, my weight.
Listen to the advice of the people who care about me when they say it, and not weeks or months down the line.
2015 has taught me a huge lesson about myself. I can only continue to learn, and we only learn by making mistakes. I have loved and hated this year passionately. For all the correct reasons. What I can say is that through all the pain I have suffered, it has led me, in the most labyrinthine way, to happiness.
So in terms of happiness, I will leave you with many pictures of me smiling and or being silly. They remain my favourite pictures. And I hope they, and this blog, will help someone or anyone to realise that you are the most important thing in your world. Without you, your world wouldn't exist. Cherish yourself, because you are the most precious commodity you will ever know.
Honorable mentions to @felis @mikaul @captainbackfire @autumnsky and @je5us for being in those pictures with me. Props to you, I was smiling with you.
