And so December 21st rolls around once again.
This is a very big date for me. Not because of the so called oncoming "apocalypse" either. Oh, quietest apocalypse I've ever heard of by the way... perhaps I ought to dress up as one of the horsemen and have myself some fun!
It's been four years since I totally lost my shit, four years in which more has happened to me than I can count, and in some cases, more than I'd have liked. I've travelled a lot, and met hundreds of people, a few of whom have stuck with me, or to me. The East coast of Australia, the West coast of the USA. Nearly two years on the West Coast... It hasn't treated me terribly nicely of late.
Four years ago I was in Stamford seeing my Great Aunt and Uncle with my immediate family. I was having some kind of family dinner, or brunch, or something... that day is not very easy to recall. It was my Dad's birthday; he was fifty-eight that day, and I believe it was a Sunday. I really wasn't there the whole day, stuck in my own head, my own thoughts, my own past. It is impossible to go into what I had been through for the five years prior to that without sparking some kind of a backlash, so I shan't. However, I shall say that it was bad, bad enough that I inflicted pain on those around me, out of fear and not knowing what to do with the pain I was handling. And that pain, which I inflicted, was enough to make me do what I did on that day, four years ago.
And what I did on that day, four years ago, is something that people actually know about. And if it weren't for Suicide Girls, and a few of its most kind-hearted members (and ex members), I wouldn't be here typing now. Turns out that sixty-four paracetamol (that's Tylenol to you in the US) and a bottle of vodka will put you down like a dog in a matter of hours. My own short sightedness: I posted my note on here, way before I was done "self medicating". This sparked some... interest, shall we say, in the SG community, and though I was long collapsed on my bed, a police officer showed up at my parents' house, followed by an ambulance.
It seems surreal, looking back on it now. I was so young. I'm still young, but despite knowing a lot about the world then, I know a lot more now. I have learned, painfully, who I am. I have burnt and built bridges, I have put blame where it belongs and I have screamed and cried and kicked. My past hasn't changed, but my future has.
I've learned the sort of people who truly make me feel content, I've learned the sort of people who I can never trust, and I've learned, over seven years, that my best friend is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. Someone who has been there through thick and thin, through my suicide, through my happy times, through the times when I thought I wouldn't make it, through therapy, through love, through loss. And I thank her for it. I've learned more about my family, about what makes them the way that they are, about what caused the rift between my parents to begin with, and I've learned that my Dad is lonely, so lonely he went to stupid lengths and took silly risks to stop being so; which made me realize where I get it from.
I have, over time, become the most emotionally strong person I know. One person can only deal with so much loss before they harden, and hardened I have. I've come to many conclusions about myself, and about others, and I've laughed as I recognize insecurities in them that I used to see in myself. I've made decisions about my life, about my future, and I've found the best therapy in the world in the form of a two-year-old puppy.
I have broken laws, and sucked up to the right people, in order that I am still alive... but I am not healthy any more.
It seems my suicide brought about a lot of health issues. I can't drink very much any more, though sometimes that's a good thing, but my asthma, allergies, mental health issues, and now hypotension, arrhythmia, and vasovagal syncope, have landed me in a big mess. I never had any of these issues before December 21st, 2008. Asthma, allergies, and mental health issues are easy to understand, but for those of you who don't speak doctor, I shall explain the other three.
Hypotension is basically low blood pressure, and occurs when blood pressure during and after each heartbeat is much lower than usual. This means the heart, brain, and other parts of the body do not get enough blood. This can incur blurry vision, confusion, dizziness, fainting, light-headedness, sleepiness, and weakness.
Arrhythmia is a problem with the rate or rhythm of the heartbeat. During an arrhythmia, the heart can beat too fast, too slow, or with an irregular rhythm. This can incur palpitations, pounding in your chest, dizziness, light-headedness, fainting, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, sleepiness, and weakness.
Vasovagal syncope occurs when your body overreacts to triggers, such as the sight of blood or extreme emotional distress. (With me it is always emotional distress, and it doesn't have to be that extreme, either.) The trigger results in vasovagal syncope - a brief loss of consciousness caused by a sudden drop in your heart rate and blood pressure, which reduces blood flow to your brain. Before a faint due to vasovagal syncope, you may experience some of the following: Skin paleness, light-headedness, tunnel vision, nausea, feeling of warmth, and a cold, clammy sweat.
All in all I'm pretty light-headed and weak, as a rule, and although my brain is strong with handling emotional stress, my heart doesn't want to hear the things it sometimes hears, so that's me on the floor.
So, as is, the year ahead of me looks to be a year of change, because if my health is going to change then something else has to, too.
My sympathy levels shot up last week due to the shooting at Sandy Hook. Although a lot of shootings, and murders, occurr all over the globe every day, the desires of the Westboro Baptist Church had me seething and seeing red. As such, I was shown a website where US Citizens can petition to have the WBC turned into a hate group, which seems entirely agreeable, considering their actions, which were heinous even before the Sandy Hook incident. So I would beg anyone in the US reading this to please head over here and sign it. It's already got the petitions it needs, but it never hurts to overkill with these types of things.
I also have a friend in need, ollyp wrote a series of short stories, that I have read, which is for sale here. It is definitely worth reading, his writing is easy to read, intelligent, and captivating, and it's 99c. NINETY-NINE CENTS. I'm fairly certain no one is going to break the bank on that one. Not enough people are reading nowadays anyway.
So, in conclusion, I have changed. Four years will do that to a person, hell, five minutes will if the situation is intense enough. Let's take a look back at the last four years, shall we?
This is a very big date for me. Not because of the so called oncoming "apocalypse" either. Oh, quietest apocalypse I've ever heard of by the way... perhaps I ought to dress up as one of the horsemen and have myself some fun!
It's been four years since I totally lost my shit, four years in which more has happened to me than I can count, and in some cases, more than I'd have liked. I've travelled a lot, and met hundreds of people, a few of whom have stuck with me, or to me. The East coast of Australia, the West coast of the USA. Nearly two years on the West Coast... It hasn't treated me terribly nicely of late.
Four years ago I was in Stamford seeing my Great Aunt and Uncle with my immediate family. I was having some kind of family dinner, or brunch, or something... that day is not very easy to recall. It was my Dad's birthday; he was fifty-eight that day, and I believe it was a Sunday. I really wasn't there the whole day, stuck in my own head, my own thoughts, my own past. It is impossible to go into what I had been through for the five years prior to that without sparking some kind of a backlash, so I shan't. However, I shall say that it was bad, bad enough that I inflicted pain on those around me, out of fear and not knowing what to do with the pain I was handling. And that pain, which I inflicted, was enough to make me do what I did on that day, four years ago.
And what I did on that day, four years ago, is something that people actually know about. And if it weren't for Suicide Girls, and a few of its most kind-hearted members (and ex members), I wouldn't be here typing now. Turns out that sixty-four paracetamol (that's Tylenol to you in the US) and a bottle of vodka will put you down like a dog in a matter of hours. My own short sightedness: I posted my note on here, way before I was done "self medicating". This sparked some... interest, shall we say, in the SG community, and though I was long collapsed on my bed, a police officer showed up at my parents' house, followed by an ambulance.
It seems surreal, looking back on it now. I was so young. I'm still young, but despite knowing a lot about the world then, I know a lot more now. I have learned, painfully, who I am. I have burnt and built bridges, I have put blame where it belongs and I have screamed and cried and kicked. My past hasn't changed, but my future has.
I've learned the sort of people who truly make me feel content, I've learned the sort of people who I can never trust, and I've learned, over seven years, that my best friend is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. Someone who has been there through thick and thin, through my suicide, through my happy times, through the times when I thought I wouldn't make it, through therapy, through love, through loss. And I thank her for it. I've learned more about my family, about what makes them the way that they are, about what caused the rift between my parents to begin with, and I've learned that my Dad is lonely, so lonely he went to stupid lengths and took silly risks to stop being so; which made me realize where I get it from.
I have, over time, become the most emotionally strong person I know. One person can only deal with so much loss before they harden, and hardened I have. I've come to many conclusions about myself, and about others, and I've laughed as I recognize insecurities in them that I used to see in myself. I've made decisions about my life, about my future, and I've found the best therapy in the world in the form of a two-year-old puppy.
I have broken laws, and sucked up to the right people, in order that I am still alive... but I am not healthy any more.
It seems my suicide brought about a lot of health issues. I can't drink very much any more, though sometimes that's a good thing, but my asthma, allergies, mental health issues, and now hypotension, arrhythmia, and vasovagal syncope, have landed me in a big mess. I never had any of these issues before December 21st, 2008. Asthma, allergies, and mental health issues are easy to understand, but for those of you who don't speak doctor, I shall explain the other three.
Hypotension is basically low blood pressure, and occurs when blood pressure during and after each heartbeat is much lower than usual. This means the heart, brain, and other parts of the body do not get enough blood. This can incur blurry vision, confusion, dizziness, fainting, light-headedness, sleepiness, and weakness.
Arrhythmia is a problem with the rate or rhythm of the heartbeat. During an arrhythmia, the heart can beat too fast, too slow, or with an irregular rhythm. This can incur palpitations, pounding in your chest, dizziness, light-headedness, fainting, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, sleepiness, and weakness.
Vasovagal syncope occurs when your body overreacts to triggers, such as the sight of blood or extreme emotional distress. (With me it is always emotional distress, and it doesn't have to be that extreme, either.) The trigger results in vasovagal syncope - a brief loss of consciousness caused by a sudden drop in your heart rate and blood pressure, which reduces blood flow to your brain. Before a faint due to vasovagal syncope, you may experience some of the following: Skin paleness, light-headedness, tunnel vision, nausea, feeling of warmth, and a cold, clammy sweat.
All in all I'm pretty light-headed and weak, as a rule, and although my brain is strong with handling emotional stress, my heart doesn't want to hear the things it sometimes hears, so that's me on the floor.
So, as is, the year ahead of me looks to be a year of change, because if my health is going to change then something else has to, too.
My sympathy levels shot up last week due to the shooting at Sandy Hook. Although a lot of shootings, and murders, occurr all over the globe every day, the desires of the Westboro Baptist Church had me seething and seeing red. As such, I was shown a website where US Citizens can petition to have the WBC turned into a hate group, which seems entirely agreeable, considering their actions, which were heinous even before the Sandy Hook incident. So I would beg anyone in the US reading this to please head over here and sign it. It's already got the petitions it needs, but it never hurts to overkill with these types of things.
I also have a friend in need, ollyp wrote a series of short stories, that I have read, which is for sale here. It is definitely worth reading, his writing is easy to read, intelligent, and captivating, and it's 99c. NINETY-NINE CENTS. I'm fairly certain no one is going to break the bank on that one. Not enough people are reading nowadays anyway.
So, in conclusion, I have changed. Four years will do that to a person, hell, five minutes will if the situation is intense enough. Let's take a look back at the last four years, shall we?
If you've got questions, that's okay, I'm good for answers. Ask away.
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Now, all of you have a good Christmas, "apocalypse" permitting of course. 
VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
4mejohn1:
My Your New Year be Filled with Love, Happiness and Joy.
spike2201:
bigger,better,stronger,braver.... <3 much love 