salem13

GREAT IT MAY BE

Great it may be,

yet my grief has limits,

for it is not strong enough to kill me.

On the weed-strewn salt earth of the burning ground,

on a pile of logs set aflame

she lies,

her bed blazing fire.

My woman is dead, she belong to the other world,

yet I am still alive.

This life is strange.

*Poem from India: circa First Century CE (AD)

Ceraman Kotampalattut

wow..

i really don't know what to say at this point in all honesty

but i feel rather humbled and strange at my loss...

yesterday evening...

i had to give the ok to put one of my cats to sleep

he was sufferin' from kidney failure/ stones

and while they said that we could keep him alive by injecting his spine w/ fluids 10 min...every day...

i could not bare to picture him sufferin' through this...

i've only broken down once or twice today and cried

which i guess is good

i can't seem to keep my makeup on very well...

and am in a perpetual state of lookng like tammy faye baker or alice cooper

with my runnin' mascara...

i feel silly cause i realize it's a cat...

and in all honesty...i don't think i even cried when my father or former boyfriend passed away....

i had no emotion...as weird as it sounds...

sometimes i just shut off

but yesterday at work..

when i heard him in the background

as my mom called

i just sort of lost it and fell to pieces....

thnk you russ for your phone tech support and tryin' to make me laugh..

and mr. jerm...especially...thnx...

for lettin' me come over...snot, cry, and pass out w/ dead monkey liquor breathe on yer couch...

the loss for me is great...

and i feel a combination of loss/ shock right now

tis truly difficult and i don't know why...

i originally found PB (the blk cat in profile)

when he was the size of my hand...

someone had put him in a box w/ duck tape around it...into a dumpster in the Tenderloin...

for some reason..walkin' by all high...i heard a cat cryin'...i panicked...jumped into the dumpster...ripped open the box...

and found a really tiny blk kitten...who was really sick..he had an eye, ear, respitory infection, was dehydrated, and a swollen belly frm hunger...

i bottle fed him back to health...

he travelled and squatted w/ me...and was my best friend thru many dark times...

there was a time...where i really didn't care if i lived or died...i was on the brink..and life was hard...but my cat kept me going...or made me stay around to make sure he was safe...

in part...i think i am still here today...cause of my cats...

i was always gonna try to get my act together...

and get a place...so that i could live with them again...

but had to sacrifice them to my mom's house...

cause she could offer them a better life...

and i couldn't have cats where i was at..

i will miss him...

and i'm sorry i'm so sad...

*RIP* PB