sadisticmika

Great night djing... horrible night afterwards... Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around people that don't even exist. I see them, but they aren't real, they're just characters in a movie about my life that ends in some horrible way. Right now I feel so amazingly lonely even though I talk to friends and people that I know, it's nothing, it's probably nothing that most people want to deal with... it's more than people want to deal with. And if you're thinking, and some may, that I feel sorry for myself, as if I'm special, or happiness-challenged, it's not so. And if you're thinking I have anyone to blame but myself, what makes up myself, this is an untruth, in actuality, what I've done in my life, moreso qualifies myself for something like what in the olden times, they refered to as derangement. Since young, I've just never had the nerve to make the final cut.

All I know, is I never want to go back to the ward. I wish I couldn't care, but I care too much... and yet, and yet.

More good news, I have a five day eviction notice. But this is neither good, nor bad. This just is. What comes of it, I will not know, but I can only see it as the event it is, with absolutely no concepts of it.




your hand on his arm
the hay stack charm around your neck
strung out and thin
calling some friend trying to cash some check
he's acting dumb
that's what you've come to expect
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
he's wearing your clothes
head down to toes a reaction to you
you say you know what he did
but you idiot kid
you don't have a clue
sometimes they just get caught in the eye
you're pulling him through
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
now on the bus
nearly touching this dirty retreat
falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all OK
i can't be myself
i can't be myself
then i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
wherever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay




A gutter full of rain
an empty picture frame
a house out at the edges of the city
never noticing the war
til it's right there at your door
and suddenly your hands are bloody

I was seeking to possess
now another girl's caress
is on your flesh
the bitterness is tasted
there's nobody in your chair
no hand to touch my hair
the sun even the air seems wasted

Let it go now
let it all slip away
and we'll start it all over again
me like a million others before
trying to make sense of the rain

Were these twenty years a dream
was it ever as it seemed
get to wonder if it really existed
cause the thief who stole my life
has taken too my faith
I can see now how the world gets
twisted

Let it go now
let it all slip away
and we'll start it all over again
me like a million others before
trying to make sense of the rain

In spite of all the shame
sometimes I hear your name
I think of us when we were younger
then I'm shutting out the noise
and I'm trying to hear the voice
that used to tell me love was
stronger

Light another cigarette
but the one I got's still lit
I can't seem to keep my fingers
steady
never noticing the war
til it's right there at your door
and suddenly your hands are bloody.
-gray.david




Yay! Casshern is out on DVD!!!! That's all I have to say.




The Vajra is the complete and total 'reality'; all of what we see, or perceive as the world around all of us. The Vajra is indestructable, and yet, in fact it can destroy everything, through our conciousness to defeat illusions whcich cloud our minds and lead us to poor judgements, to anger, to jealousy, to desire, to sadness. There is only one emotion, Joy, and that emotion when enlightened supercedes all things, regardess of one's position in life.



It is not her body that he wants but it is only through her body that he can take possession of another human being, so he must labor upon her body, he must enter her body, to make his claim. -Oates. Joyce Caroll.




UNDERSTANDING. Your inner self repressed, rejected, thrown into the basement, also goes on being reflected in your actions. Even sometimes when you avoid something, then, too, in your very avoidance your understanding is shown.

Understand that what you see in others is what you yourself are carrying. Your judgements are actually reflections of what is repressed or rejected.
-THE DISCIPLINE OF TRANCENDENCE.



ACCEPTANCE. Whatsoever life brings is ok, absolutely okay. This is the mirror like quality- nothing is good, nothing is bad, all is divine. Accept life as it is. Accepting as it is, one starts to feel very joyful and for no reason at all. When joy has a reason, it is not going to last long.
-ZEN:THE PATH OF PARADOX




I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone wholl stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Shell get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Shell hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact shell often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....
gore.martin l. (fast fashion)




Finally got a 3 day notice on my rent that hasn't been paid yet, even though I talked to one of my landlord's assistants a few days ago, and told him I'd have him some money in a week or so... in anycase... well, I wonder if he sleeps with rats, with a bathroom floor rotted by a poorly fixed sink, with rat holes... With a ceiling un-fixed since I reported it, with plumbing unfixed since I reported it, with a carpet well soiled before I moved in, with blinds unfixed, broken, with a gigantic ceiling unfixed since I reported it... two break ins, (walk ins)... countless homeless people, amature drunks, who sleep on the porch outside... My assumptions were correct, they'll fix up the place and raise the rent, and then the cycle continues... Eat the poor. I'm no flake, just an unlucky guy. Just a dead man walking... It's nobody's fault but mine; And

There's a pale horse comin'
I'm gonna ride it
I'll rise in the mornin
With my fate decided
I'm a dead man walkin'
I'm a dead man walkin'

In St James Parish
I was born and christened
Now I've got my story
Mister no need for you to listen
It's just a dead man talkin'

Once I had a job, I had a girl
But between our dreams and actions
Lies this world

In the deep forest
Their blood and tears rushed over me
All I could feel was the drugs and shotgun
And my fear up inside me
Like a dead man talkin'

'Neath the summer sky my eyes went black
Sister I won't ask for forgiveness
My sins are all I have

Now the clouds above my prison
Move slowly across the sky
There's a new day comin'
And my dreams are full tonight
-b. springsteen.




There's a fever on the freeway,
blacks out the night.
There's a slipping on the stairway,
just don't feel right
And there's a rumbling
in the bedroom
and a flashing of light
There's the old laughing lady,
everything is all right.
-Neil Young.



If religion were a dream, than it was a dream worth dreaming -?



Dream Song 101

A shallow lake, with many waterbirds,
especially egrets: I was showing Mother around,
An extraordinary vivid dream
of Betty & Douglass, and Donhis mother's estate
was on the grounds of a lunatic asylum.
He showed me around.

A policeman trundled a siren up the walk.
It was 6:05 p.m., Don was late home.
I askt if he ever saw
the inmates'No, they never leave their cells.'
Betty was downstairs, Don called down 'A drink'
while showering.

I can't go into the meaning of the dream
except to say a sense of total Loss
afflicted me therof:
an absolute disappearance of continuity & love
and children away at school, the weight of the cross,
and everything is what it seems.
-John Berryman Oct. 25, 1914, - Jan. 7, 1972





The Shanti Project. Providing assistance and home care to the victimcs of HIV & Aids.

Do you honour diversity and believe in the basic rights of humans to persue their happiness in the ways they see fit, without your judgement? Give Respect to the Harvey Milk Foundation



Hey, why not visit my friend's bookstore on line, or give her a call if you're looking for something from Japan, or otherwise... Just keep in mind the time difference, because arguing with people you wake up in Japan is a bummer!

Green E Books
greengreenbooks@aol.com
http://www.greenebooks.net

606-8395
2F 9-5 Kawabata Marutamachi
Higashiiru, Higasi marutacho,
Sakyo-ku, Kyoto
JAPAN
tel&fax: +81-75-751-5033

ps. Arigatou Gozaimasu to those who have allready visited the site, she has told me she's gotten some hits from my journal. Domo!