sabine

i had a reveation the other day. i was wondering, as i have been a lot recently, what the hell is wrong with me. i mean i used to be so good when it came to school...and motivation...etc. now i can't seem to care, i just want to have fun. then it dawned at me that the problem is that i've always been too good. in highschool when everyone was simply worrying about drinking, getting high, doing what they wanted (not everyone, but it was the general attitude), i freaked out if i wasnt in bed by 11 on school nights and never did much of anything wild. or even really fun. so now i think the hating responsibility/just wanting to party phase has finally kicked in. i didn't consciously think about what i've been missing. but now just so many things don't seem to matter. and they seemed to matter so much before (though then they really were trivial). it's kind of ironic. i had so many opportunities in highschool to do what i wanted, but i was always too much of a good little girl. for instance, in 10th grade i had the HUGEST crush on a girl named beetle. she was one of those "cool" druggy kids while i was one of the goody goody dorks. she liked me too...we held hands and sweet stuff like that (while getting death threats of course). but we never actually hung out outside of school b/c we were so different. she tried to get me to do things with her but i was so shy...and so "good." i'll never forget one of her invitations that i'm still kicking myself for declining. "wanna skip school with me and take some acid and have wild monkey sex?" well i didnt b/c my sister and her friend gave me a ride after school and they'd be worried and i still thought drugs were bad, etc. now i'd say hell yeah. *sigh* anyway, i'm rambling. my point is, doesnt it seem like whoever used to be uptight always eventually has their wild phase? and the wildness is usually directly proportional to the previous uptightness. so i think that's what is going on with me lately. now it actually makes sense. i know i could do a whole lot better in school and study...and that i should do that. but i want to have fun damnit. and now it's become a priority.
which is why i'm thinking about taking next semester off of school. i need a break. to do things i want to do (well i'd still work of course). but right now school is not something i want. it's only become increasingly apparent over time that i need to figure out what i want to do and right now by taking classes i'm just wasting time and money. but yeah, i have a lot to figure out.
enough rambling for now. pizza time.