ryzeonline

I feel angry.

Seethingly furious.

Ready to pound something like a relentless raging jackhammer ;)

I'm gonna try sharing something raw and emotional here on SG. Maybe it'll touch someone, or maybe it'll be ignored.

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Brunch was going along fine, until the bitter remark.

I had a 'fight' (kind of like an emotional 'girl fight' where kind things are said but with a harsh energy, lol.) with my roommate.

He made a sarcastic barb, and my response...?

I left too much money on the restaurant table and stormed away from brunch, feeling absolutely livid.

I feel this way anytime I'm in a situation or environment that doesn't suit me, and every second I'm in it feels like I'm rotting, decaying, dying in a prison with no escape.

Every fiber of my being wants to feel free, in-control, powerful, and at peace.

Yet the aura in the air feels oppressive.

I can feel it like a tangible, solid thing, like mud filling the room.

And when that obscene reality clashes hard with the beautiful clarity I want for my life... I am not a happy camper.

This usually happens when people fail to feel, see, and understand the clear, thought-out, purposeful LOVE behind my choices & actions.

I do a lot of things that don't seem "normal" to people, because the average person has a massive agenda & ego, and doesn't think things through.

They can't understand where I'm coming from.

"One can't understand another, unless they understand themselves."

I love understanding myself, and I love understanding others.

People tend to hate what they don't understand.

I believe love & understanding are uber-closely tied together

I turn a searingly bright, high-standard, virgo-esque lens on myself and my actions.

I want to be the best me I can possibly be.

And so... I'm in-touch with my feelings & choices, especially in conversations.

I'm extremely practiced in my self-awareness, and I've had to painfully apologize for my misbehavior in life so many times, that now I carry myself in a very refined, loving, high-integrity way.

Not perfect, but let's be truthful... ahead of many ;)

Often times, I experience misunderstanding, neglect, and complete unawareness of my feelings and ideas. I feel it over and over and over as the people around me barrel forward with their selfish, heedless, ego-driven misunderstandings - failing to understand my behavior.

And each one pushes me, as I aim to show love in response to it. As I experiment with "letting it go", "patience", "embracing it", "accepting it" -- when clearly, unless some human being speaks up, these people will continue their ignorance.

And after so many times, I snap.

At times, inside... I feel very passionate, almost violent.

And the line between passion and violence is a very fine one.

Have you ever felt this way?

It's a deeply felt, righteous anger that comes from understanding the truth and having no real solution.

You can't change people who aren't open to change.

When I was young, this passion would come out in some kind of physical expression, some would label it violence.

I learned it's just a passionate desire for truth, understanding, and change -- and it's much easier for all involved to express it by leaving. Moving on. Walking away. 'Fleeing.'

So people are shocked when I 'abruptly' leave. But it's not abrupt to me, it's cuz they're oblivious, off in their own little world most of the time, ignorant of my insight or position.

I've chosen homelessness 3 times rather than remain 1 second longer in a painful, conflict-filled, stagnating environment.

Some people call this hyper-sensitive. Touchy. Fragile. Weak.

I call it beautiful, strong, and taking action to feel better and improve my situation.

I love that I'm sensitive enough to quickly move to an improved environment that feels good to me and nourishes my soul.

I love that rather than spend tons of energy trying to persuade, convince, enlighten someone who is clearly close-minded and uninterested in understanding the truth (mine --or-- theirs), roping them into a conflict they're not interested in or ready for and that will do no one good anyway... I simply re-locate to a healthier environment.

I love that I have the principles to do this no matter the apparent cost.

I've done it so much of my life.

But I'm really tired of doing it.

I'd love to be permanently, stably, relaxed in an environment and team of people who 'get me'.

I'm currently extra-focused on finding a new place to live, for all the reasons listed above, and every second that passes where I'm not delivered into a supportive habitat, gets progressively more painful.

I aim to understand myself. I aim to understand others.

I understand that my value would shine and love and touch the world more were I in an improved environment. I understand that no environment seems to be calling me.

I do my best to put myself in situations that nurture and uplift and make me my best self, around like-minded people who understand.

So I feel intense discomfort, and am faced with questions many people ask of their lives.

Why am I here? What happened? How can I change it? Will it always be this way?

And it feels like I'm dying.

And as usual, that is by far one of the most compelling solutions I can think of. I'm not supposed to be alive anyway, just randomly saved by the universe one day, to live out an extra year or something.

It's not a feeling I wish on anyone.

Here's hoping a fresh, nurturing, loving, uplifting, comforting, luxurious, vibrant, resource-filled, open, accepting environment comes into my life.

Thanks for reading (listening? understanding?)

Much love, #TogetherWeRyze :)