Things always get worse before they can get better. All of the events that happened on tuesday is proof of that.
So, Tuesday i came home from work, try to relax a little bit. I still had the same feeling lingering over from monday. It was a weird feeling. Like there were butterflies in my tummy and were making their way up my throat and trying to excape or something. Very very anxious. Over what i don't know.
I started getting upset again and i figured "oh what the fuck. i may as well just try to call him"
I slowly dialed the numbers to his cell phone. No answer. hang up. I call again, 2 min later knowing he wasn't gonna pick up. I just wanted to leave a voice mail. "hey its natalie. listen im sorry if i did anything to make you mad. just call me or leave me an email pleeeeaaaaaasssssssssse! bye"
From there I sat on the sofa. Waiting for the phone call that i knew wasn't going to come.
All of a sudden my mind was full of these horrible thoughts. I'm such a fuck up. I can't keep any of my friends blah blah. Then i started thinking about how much i miss Becca already. ANd i started to think about how david fucks me over every 5 months.
and how i'm concidered a convenience as opposed to a human being to some of the people i know. How anthony was right about me getting attatched to people who are too selfish.
These thoughts plus a million more were taking over my head. I start crying. It progressivly got worse when i realized i didnt have anyone to call to help me calm down/listen to me. I concidered anthony, but it was late and i didn't want to bother him.
Thoughts kept getting worse. I was crying, shaking and gasping for air. Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Anxiety attack.
man this story is so emo i'm annoying myself even re-thinking about it.
So i tried to calm myself down. I thought i was ok.
I came online to try to make weekend plans (road trip stuff) and i just got overwhelmed again.
For some reason I IMed my ex boyfriend (of 4 years). Why?
At the time it was more spur-of-the-moment. But now that i think about it, im glad i did. Cos even tho we're not really talking i know hes always gonna be there for me, and does actually give a shit.
(funny tho cos hes the one who completely mind fucked me in feb - making the worst night of my life ever)
so he calmed me down. alot.
after i hung up the phone, i felt lighter.
that feeling - the panic - was gone.
about an hour later Dirk calls me. No fucking shit.
So everything between us is all good again.
Thank GOD. I haven't even known him for that long but we've developed such a really tight, awesome connection, really fast. The thought of losing that already obviously made my head spin.
Conclusion:
all is well.
So, Tuesday i came home from work, try to relax a little bit. I still had the same feeling lingering over from monday. It was a weird feeling. Like there were butterflies in my tummy and were making their way up my throat and trying to excape or something. Very very anxious. Over what i don't know.
I started getting upset again and i figured "oh what the fuck. i may as well just try to call him"
I slowly dialed the numbers to his cell phone. No answer. hang up. I call again, 2 min later knowing he wasn't gonna pick up. I just wanted to leave a voice mail. "hey its natalie. listen im sorry if i did anything to make you mad. just call me or leave me an email pleeeeaaaaaasssssssssse! bye"
From there I sat on the sofa. Waiting for the phone call that i knew wasn't going to come.
All of a sudden my mind was full of these horrible thoughts. I'm such a fuck up. I can't keep any of my friends blah blah. Then i started thinking about how much i miss Becca already. ANd i started to think about how david fucks me over every 5 months.
and how i'm concidered a convenience as opposed to a human being to some of the people i know. How anthony was right about me getting attatched to people who are too selfish.
These thoughts plus a million more were taking over my head. I start crying. It progressivly got worse when i realized i didnt have anyone to call to help me calm down/listen to me. I concidered anthony, but it was late and i didn't want to bother him.
Thoughts kept getting worse. I was crying, shaking and gasping for air. Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Anxiety attack.
man this story is so emo i'm annoying myself even re-thinking about it.
So i tried to calm myself down. I thought i was ok.
I came online to try to make weekend plans (road trip stuff) and i just got overwhelmed again.
For some reason I IMed my ex boyfriend (of 4 years). Why?
At the time it was more spur-of-the-moment. But now that i think about it, im glad i did. Cos even tho we're not really talking i know hes always gonna be there for me, and does actually give a shit.
(funny tho cos hes the one who completely mind fucked me in feb - making the worst night of my life ever)
so he calmed me down. alot.
after i hung up the phone, i felt lighter.
that feeling - the panic - was gone.
about an hour later Dirk calls me. No fucking shit.
So everything between us is all good again.
Thank GOD. I haven't even known him for that long but we've developed such a really tight, awesome connection, really fast. The thought of losing that already obviously made my head spin.
Conclusion:
all is well.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
papawheelie:
excellent. thats a good conclusion...
djfaceplant:
Wow...that was pretty emo. Then again we all get emo every once in awhile. I'd like to give some kind of advice for whatever was going on, but I dont really know whats going on. After a few more posts of yours I'm sure I'll catch on.