i'm fed up with being poked and prodded, scanned and surveyed. i'm grateful for having a steady job that pays well and offers health insurance, i really am. after a year, i finally got myself out to use the insurance and went to doctors to get things checked out and updated. i'm tired of it now. when you pull the curtain back after ignoring it for a long time, there is a lot of dust and dirt and shit piled up behind it. the thing is, i've known that dirt was there the entire time. i just don't want to deal with it. and if any of the doctors do find something wrong, i don't know how interested i will be in treating anything. then i will have to deal with all of the judgements and recriminations, and the decision as to if i should tell anyone or not. i'm just tired of it and i want to stop going. i just want to stay in bed under my blankets and not think about any of it.
i mentioned to a friend once that if i was diagnosed with cancer i don't know if i would get treated or not. she said it would be selfish of me if i didn't fight back and try to survive. then she asked me to promise her that i would be treated if i was ever diagnosed with cancer. i thought, "why is it selfish to want to die, or not care if you die, but it isn't considered selfish to ask a person to stay when they don't want to?" i never answered her.