rw3

it's not that i don't want to hang out with you.

i do.

i think you know this and i think you understand, too. i know it would probably do me some good to go out and do something.

anything.

and i've thought of calling you or sending a text to ask if you are busy or if you want to get together.

but then i don't.

and then i'm ashamed and hate myself for not, because maybe you're wondering why i'm not contacting you and maybe wondering if i care anymore.

and i do.

but every time i think about sending a text, and i do mean literally every time, i feel a pressure in my mind and chest that dulls my emotions, restricts my breathing, and encourages me to close all of the blinds and doors around me then crawl into a ball under my blankets until the thought goes away.

and i do.

i don't know if i can convince you, but this is a physical phenomena involving shortness of breath, energy draining from all of my muscles, emotions sinking, and my brain feeling heavy and clouded with a thick, dark fog. like i am a car and when i think of doing something productive the driver puts on the brakes. the intensity of the pressure on the brakes is proportional to the desire to do something.

i am able to go about my daily business with no braking. get up, shower, go to work, go home, eat when hungry, drink when thirsty. beyond that....