This is a list of the things that make me feel like I'm alone and that people just don't care about me. Know there are two people I truly feel care about me and they are my parents. But they also don't exhibit any of the things on this list. I also have two people who say they are my friends but they exhibit most all of the things on this list and are part of the reason I dont consider them friends back.
1. People just don't try to talk to me. Being an introvert its hard to engage small talk with people. But Ive rarely seen anybody really try. If someone does talk to me its never to have a conversation. Its just so they have someone to listen to they want to say. Which I wouldn't have a problem with if they would return the favor. When I try the same on them their eyes just glaze over and never give a node or anything. They often cant even summarize what the fuck I was just talking about. And this just fucking hurts. It makes me feel like nothing I say is important. Which leads to problem two.
2. No one actually listens to what I say. What I mean by this is that my words are very often taken completely out of context. This is probably the number one reason Ive developed a bit of social anxiety. I half the time cant even understand where the inferences people take from what I say comes from. When I speak I tend to be literal in what I say. Ive never been one to speak in double meanings or with special undertones that a two year old could figure out. I'm just not that good with words to try. But everyone treats me like I am. It makes me feel like I cant talk to people because they'll just take what ever meaning they feel like from it no matter what I say.
3.No one will lend a hand. What makes this one extremely infuriating is they usually say they will. But will they actually follow through, of course not. Nothing has put me through worse problems this past year then trusting the people who say they are my friends. This has probably cost me over a thousand dollars over the coarse of this year. And yes they knew that if they failed to help it would hurt me financially, I made this very clear it was why I was asking for help. And when I call them on their bullshit they just say they had so much going on that they forgot. Its funny that when they want something they can always make time but when I need help, even though they say they can help, somehow lose all that free time of theirs.
4.They don't seem to understand what I like or why I like it. This is extremely painful in the forms of gifts. The biggest offender of this was my ex-fiancee. She would go out every weekend and buy herself of bunch of little knickknacks for herself, but feeling bad about leaving me out would buy some very cheap thing that was kind of related to things I like. Shed also say shitty things about the music and show I like, but she didn't seem to ever realize I like those things, she just never payed attention. And shes not the only ones. Friends want to actually try being like friends and take me out to try to cheer me up, take me to a bar or a club. Something that anyone who spent any amount of time around me would know I hate. How the fuck can you not know the basics of what a friend likes.
5.No one want to spend time with me doing what I like to do. Ever. Its always what they want to do. This seems like a basic thing of being a friend. Every one in a while you're going to do something you don't like with that person. Don't like bars still, going bar hoping with that friend that likes that every other month. Don't like shitty romance movies still watch one with your significant other that likes them every once in a while. But the people who surround me don't understand this concept. I don't want them to be unhappy always doing what I want. But being force to do most of the things I like by my self constantly is soul crushing. As if there is something wrong about the things I like.
All these things put together leave me feeling alone and that no one give a shit. It makes me feel like my words are meaningless, that I don't deserve help and that what I like doesn't matter. Its easy for people to say to stay strong and it will get better. But I'm not made of metal. I wear down and I can not last like this forever, and its been going on for a long time already. I had a brief respite when I thought I found love but that turned out to be one big lie. And here I am again, in a dark hole that I just cant climb out of. That just seems to be the way life is.
