You know...sitting here at 1:45 AM in the morning all alone, I never realize how much I actually do think. About trivial things, about serious things. Like how much I long for a multiplayer Halo game right now...but my Xbox doesn't want to work right now, so I might have to invest in the PC version. Or how about I can't wait to start the semester, and yet realize as soon as I start, I become a hypocrite for wanting it to end.
I think about my major. Is it the right one for me? I haven't drawn in a long time that all I got is quick sketchy style that is fitting to only storyboarding. My modelling is only subpar unless it meant to be cartoony low poly models (look up and to the left for an example, or check out my pics that are part of my Blobby series to get an idea if you do not know what I mean). The only strength I notice is that I can create good ideas and that is what the industry needs, but while my ideas are good, I can't express them too well in writing. But then again, I think about this...if I wasn't going to go through with this, what would I be doing? In all honesty, I really can't see myself doing anything else. I can't be a doctor cause I am a hazard due accident proned. I can't be a lawyer cause I am lazy on doing most studying. The only thing I can see myself doing retail...but I do not have the mindset, the attitude, or the patience for that. Funny is it? The thing I want to do is something I feel might not suceed at...and yet, it is the real thing I can only do that I do not give up on. Sure, I get fustrated, but every scene I animate only ends up being redone 95% of the time, but the second time it gets done in half the time and looks 30 time better than how it looked before. Then again, I am just my toughest critic. Everybody in classes say I got a good eye for animation and that I have some good ideas. But even so, there was only one thing I really feel proud about, and it Love to Death. It was the best idea I conjured up.
You also think about the things you have to do, and yet, they are the last things you want to do. I still need to clean my room...something that should have been done last week. But I put it off and now I am down to the last few days on my semester break, and it is nowhere done. I also think about the things I want to do, but can't do outside forces. The biggest thing I want to do is get out of here. Not permently (for now), but just for a few days...a week maybe. It is dull here. Most of my friends are away at school while I sit here alone. I have so many offers to visit them, and yet due to lack of money and transportation, I am stuck here. The only small comfort I get is the occasional AIM from people, but reality is, I really need some human contact.
The times of uncomfort, like this one girl I met one time. I won't go into details, but it just awkward. She said a lot of kinky stuff to me and I just took it as her being a tease. I am not the type to get the girls all the time, and when I feel like I being teased, I go along with it. Turns out she wasn't fully teasing me. No, nothing really bad happened, but it was far enough for me. It was far enough though. I didn't know how to feel about it. I guess I should feel proud because the girl was someone who I would consider "out of my league" normally, but reality is, well, it just seemed weird. Guess I found out how kinky I am not.
Then I remember one day that felt like it was perfect. It was a Wednesday of the second semester of my Freshman year in college. I went downtown early to pick up a Tenacious D CD because they were going to do a signing there that night. I went to class and right afterwards, I went straight to the Virgin Megastore. I waited in line for about two hours, but I got to meet them and get my CD signed. It was the first time I ever got something signed, and it felt really cool to see them sitting right in front of you and seem them not as just entities you see in the media and are worshipped by the masses as actually people. The day was great. I got on a later train headed towards home than normal, but I didn't mind. I got my CD signed. What could ruin the day?
Well, something did. "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? I have a bomb!" 4 words. "I have a bomb." The train was noisey, but when the man said that, it went dead. At that point, the only thing I felt was my heart pounding. The man was silent for only 5 seconds after that, but really seemed longer. At that point, my mind just raced. I honestly cannot fully remember about I was thinking though. Too many thoughts at one time. Then the man spoke. "I am just kidding, I just want to sell you some clothes I have in this box." And at that point all my thought went to anger and rage. How could some person do that? Make us fear for our lives for a few seconds, just to sell some old jeans in a box? I question why that event was in my life, but it gave me two things after it. It made realize how much I really fear death...not for the reasons of what happens to me in the afterlife (what it may be if it exists), but what would happen to my friends and family? I always thought I could be like that guy in JTHM that told Johnny that "I have nothing to fear," but I never realize how truly false that was. Lastly, it made me realize how you can't except how things turn up.
Random events. That is all life is. Random events after another and another. My life has been full of random things, but it took one that made me fear for my life to make me realize it. But not all these are bad. It was random chance I played a game with a person on Phantasy Star Online named "Anna May." From him I met a great web community and made some great friends that I party up every year at Anime Central (or as I like to call it, Dork Fest...cause we are all dorks). In a random event, I came home and saw a puppy at our house after coming home from the mall when I was in high school. Sure, I say the dog is stupid at times and noisey, the reality is, when all else fails, he can cheer me up...and I love him for that. Hell, finding this site was a random event. I would have never met (internetly) everyone on my friends list now and who will ever be on there in the future. And more importantly, it was by chance I met Chad, Sarah, and Travis, three people on the internet who are undoubtly the greatest and most sane people I ever met on the fucked up web. For every bad one, there is a good one to come to balance it out.
And you know what the major kick in the ass is? I know I should be learning something from all these. And yet, I won't. To borrow a line from Stabbing Westward:
"I don't believe
I don't believe
That I could be so stupid and so naive"
And yet, at times, I really am.
Well here is hoping I do actually get something out of those...or at least out of the hour I spent writing all of this. For those of you who actually read it all, thanks for listening to an idiot going through only a fraction of his random thoughts while bored. Hell if you just skimmed through it, thanks still. This is the most i ever wrote for on journal entry, and it is heavy. Hell, I know I would most likely have stopped after the first paragraph, but the attempt is worth a thanks.
And in an off topic update...my glasses just came in today. Need to pick them up. Might be nice now that I can actually read subtitles when I put in a DVD.
One last thing...ever see someone on your AIM list that you never see too much on, feel like talking to them or asking them something, but don't thanks to the fact you know conversation would 3 seconds and probably be more of annoyance? God, I wish I was a conversationialist.
I think about my major. Is it the right one for me? I haven't drawn in a long time that all I got is quick sketchy style that is fitting to only storyboarding. My modelling is only subpar unless it meant to be cartoony low poly models (look up and to the left for an example, or check out my pics that are part of my Blobby series to get an idea if you do not know what I mean). The only strength I notice is that I can create good ideas and that is what the industry needs, but while my ideas are good, I can't express them too well in writing. But then again, I think about this...if I wasn't going to go through with this, what would I be doing? In all honesty, I really can't see myself doing anything else. I can't be a doctor cause I am a hazard due accident proned. I can't be a lawyer cause I am lazy on doing most studying. The only thing I can see myself doing retail...but I do not have the mindset, the attitude, or the patience for that. Funny is it? The thing I want to do is something I feel might not suceed at...and yet, it is the real thing I can only do that I do not give up on. Sure, I get fustrated, but every scene I animate only ends up being redone 95% of the time, but the second time it gets done in half the time and looks 30 time better than how it looked before. Then again, I am just my toughest critic. Everybody in classes say I got a good eye for animation and that I have some good ideas. But even so, there was only one thing I really feel proud about, and it Love to Death. It was the best idea I conjured up.
You also think about the things you have to do, and yet, they are the last things you want to do. I still need to clean my room...something that should have been done last week. But I put it off and now I am down to the last few days on my semester break, and it is nowhere done. I also think about the things I want to do, but can't do outside forces. The biggest thing I want to do is get out of here. Not permently (for now), but just for a few days...a week maybe. It is dull here. Most of my friends are away at school while I sit here alone. I have so many offers to visit them, and yet due to lack of money and transportation, I am stuck here. The only small comfort I get is the occasional AIM from people, but reality is, I really need some human contact.
The times of uncomfort, like this one girl I met one time. I won't go into details, but it just awkward. She said a lot of kinky stuff to me and I just took it as her being a tease. I am not the type to get the girls all the time, and when I feel like I being teased, I go along with it. Turns out she wasn't fully teasing me. No, nothing really bad happened, but it was far enough for me. It was far enough though. I didn't know how to feel about it. I guess I should feel proud because the girl was someone who I would consider "out of my league" normally, but reality is, well, it just seemed weird. Guess I found out how kinky I am not.
Then I remember one day that felt like it was perfect. It was a Wednesday of the second semester of my Freshman year in college. I went downtown early to pick up a Tenacious D CD because they were going to do a signing there that night. I went to class and right afterwards, I went straight to the Virgin Megastore. I waited in line for about two hours, but I got to meet them and get my CD signed. It was the first time I ever got something signed, and it felt really cool to see them sitting right in front of you and seem them not as just entities you see in the media and are worshipped by the masses as actually people. The day was great. I got on a later train headed towards home than normal, but I didn't mind. I got my CD signed. What could ruin the day?
Well, something did. "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? I have a bomb!" 4 words. "I have a bomb." The train was noisey, but when the man said that, it went dead. At that point, the only thing I felt was my heart pounding. The man was silent for only 5 seconds after that, but really seemed longer. At that point, my mind just raced. I honestly cannot fully remember about I was thinking though. Too many thoughts at one time. Then the man spoke. "I am just kidding, I just want to sell you some clothes I have in this box." And at that point all my thought went to anger and rage. How could some person do that? Make us fear for our lives for a few seconds, just to sell some old jeans in a box? I question why that event was in my life, but it gave me two things after it. It made realize how much I really fear death...not for the reasons of what happens to me in the afterlife (what it may be if it exists), but what would happen to my friends and family? I always thought I could be like that guy in JTHM that told Johnny that "I have nothing to fear," but I never realize how truly false that was. Lastly, it made me realize how you can't except how things turn up.
Random events. That is all life is. Random events after another and another. My life has been full of random things, but it took one that made me fear for my life to make me realize it. But not all these are bad. It was random chance I played a game with a person on Phantasy Star Online named "Anna May." From him I met a great web community and made some great friends that I party up every year at Anime Central (or as I like to call it, Dork Fest...cause we are all dorks). In a random event, I came home and saw a puppy at our house after coming home from the mall when I was in high school. Sure, I say the dog is stupid at times and noisey, the reality is, when all else fails, he can cheer me up...and I love him for that. Hell, finding this site was a random event. I would have never met (internetly) everyone on my friends list now and who will ever be on there in the future. And more importantly, it was by chance I met Chad, Sarah, and Travis, three people on the internet who are undoubtly the greatest and most sane people I ever met on the fucked up web. For every bad one, there is a good one to come to balance it out.
And you know what the major kick in the ass is? I know I should be learning something from all these. And yet, I won't. To borrow a line from Stabbing Westward:
"I don't believe
I don't believe
That I could be so stupid and so naive"
And yet, at times, I really am.
Well here is hoping I do actually get something out of those...or at least out of the hour I spent writing all of this. For those of you who actually read it all, thanks for listening to an idiot going through only a fraction of his random thoughts while bored. Hell if you just skimmed through it, thanks still. This is the most i ever wrote for on journal entry, and it is heavy. Hell, I know I would most likely have stopped after the first paragraph, but the attempt is worth a thanks.
And in an off topic update...my glasses just came in today. Need to pick them up. Might be nice now that I can actually read subtitles when I put in a DVD.
One last thing...ever see someone on your AIM list that you never see too much on, feel like talking to them or asking them something, but don't thanks to the fact you know conversation would 3 seconds and probably be more of annoyance? God, I wish I was a conversationialist.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
malloreigh:
well, at least you're innovative. 
bitchboi:
does this mean I'm getting sex?