So.... I feel like a total fuck up. I've recently realised that I'm madly in love with my ex-girlfriend. Before I go on, I don't really expect anyone to be reading this, but if you are, this is for my own edification. So I worte her a six page discourse, if you will, on my feelings, specifically, why I've felt so fucking miserable for so fucking long. When I started dating Gina, I was a little boy, and scared. I had recently turned 21, and was reluctant to get into the relationship to begin with, which she was pursuing. I felt a very deep closeness developing between the two of us. Again, it scared me, so I tried to cultivate some distance between us, which later would prove to be devistating. Three years later, we still got along great. Again, scary. I was twenty-four years old, and had been seeing the same woman for the majority of my twenties. You know what I reminded myself of? My dad. Yuck!! So you know what I did? A bunch of blow, and the next day I broke it off with her.
A year later, my feelings have surmounted to the point of nausea. I believe the psychological term is nacebo. In aikido we talk about mind and body coordination, and specifically in ki aikido we talk about how the mind moves the body. That is how we can throw people who are physically much stronger than we are, as in my profile pic though it is probably hard to tell from the outside what is going on. Anyway, my feelings have been making me physically ill. It sucks! And it's something that no number of hot suicide girls doing strip teases on this site can take away. If so, it would have happened a long time ago.
So I wrote her a long letter today, and I just got my response. She gave me some journal entries that she wrote throughout our relationship, and I realize how much of a fuck up I am. I'm a cancer, and prone to emotional displays. I'd be lying if there weren't tears in my eyes at this very moment. Not the stereotypical image of a martial artist, I know, I'm glad my students can't see me now. Somehow in the course of our relationship I managed to suck out the "Gina-ness" of Gina. Does that make sense? Probably not, but it makes sense to me. I hate it when friends act completely different when they are in a relationship. I never felt that I had to "put on airs" with her, but she feels that she became less of herself while she was with me. I feel like shit. Utter shit. But I was young, and the grass is always greener.... you know?
At least I have a killer dog. And some great friends to boot. Here's to throwing away jealousy and inner doubt... Lofty goals, no doubt. At least I'll have a new Tool album to listen to within the next few months. Here's to a new Tool album (hurry you fuckers!)
Later,
Joe
A year later, my feelings have surmounted to the point of nausea. I believe the psychological term is nacebo. In aikido we talk about mind and body coordination, and specifically in ki aikido we talk about how the mind moves the body. That is how we can throw people who are physically much stronger than we are, as in my profile pic though it is probably hard to tell from the outside what is going on. Anyway, my feelings have been making me physically ill. It sucks! And it's something that no number of hot suicide girls doing strip teases on this site can take away. If so, it would have happened a long time ago.
So I wrote her a long letter today, and I just got my response. She gave me some journal entries that she wrote throughout our relationship, and I realize how much of a fuck up I am. I'm a cancer, and prone to emotional displays. I'd be lying if there weren't tears in my eyes at this very moment. Not the stereotypical image of a martial artist, I know, I'm glad my students can't see me now. Somehow in the course of our relationship I managed to suck out the "Gina-ness" of Gina. Does that make sense? Probably not, but it makes sense to me. I hate it when friends act completely different when they are in a relationship. I never felt that I had to "put on airs" with her, but she feels that she became less of herself while she was with me. I feel like shit. Utter shit. But I was young, and the grass is always greener.... you know?
At least I have a killer dog. And some great friends to boot. Here's to throwing away jealousy and inner doubt... Lofty goals, no doubt. At least I'll have a new Tool album to listen to within the next few months. Here's to a new Tool album (hurry you fuckers!)
Later,
Joe
fatality:
I like your member name