So.....I'll be turning 25 in a few weeks.....why am I getting that feeling that people get before they turn like, 40 or 50?...
I mean, it's ONLY 25- hell my boyfriend is older than that. In fact, he'll be 30 this year!?!?!? I think the 1/4 life crisis thing gets wayyyyy amped up, to like preposterous proportions! Thanks a lot, John Mayer! Didn't even really like that song, ANYWAY! It probably didn't help that the bar we went to last night was brimming over with familiar faces from high school, either......Let's just say, the last year of high school was so wrought with controversy in my life, specifically love life, that graduation day was a blur. I grabbed my diploma, and skedaddled. Ugh. WHY do I still even think about effin' high school? WHY the hang-ups, I must ask myself. I think, though, it is due largely in part to the fact that there are SO many situations that did not receive closure...
I really feel like I deserve some answers, from SOMEone, anyone. Like, for instance with the first love who broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, this relationship carried, on and off, over into post high school years. However, as of this May it will be the 2 year anniversary of his death. I found out at a bar, by someone who I used to go to high school with. He hung himself in the bathroom, I found out, after I had immediately called his mother. It was like two weeks after the fact. I needed to know that it wasn't some twisted prank. Needless to say, I wasn't invited to the funeral. She said she couldn't find my contact information. I almost feel like, and maybe this is sick but, had I seen him with my own eyes in that coffin, then perhaps it would have made it seem more permanent. Yet, there I was, balling, uncontrollably in the arms of my current boyfriend, in the middle of a bar. It was the most intense, surreal, confusing moment of my adult life, thus far. I still think about Matt. probably once a month. I love my current boyfriend with all of my being (hehe, or with all of me bones, as I like to tell him
), but I think he DOES understand that Matt will always have a special corner in my heart reserved for just his memory. His tortured memory, but never the less, his. And, honestly, maybe I am underestimating myself here. Chuck and I have a great relationship. We will probably get married before I see 30. This is the MOST functional relationship ever. I am happy here, for once. And everything makes sense and fits perfectly...
So, why, if I am happy, am I feeling this anxiety, you ask? Well, that's probably because I am 25 and STILL have no direction. Sure, I am writing the blog and for the magazine through Urbancode Magazine , but I never got a college degree. In that room with me were college graduates, people that excelled post high school. I was glad no one recognized me ( I have changed A LOT since high school!), what was I going to say? No, wait, actually, there was one guy. It was weird, too, because in HS, he and I butted heads, A LOT. Last night, though, he came up to me and was like, "Heid!?!?!" and was like "Yes! It's Heidi (last name here)! How are you (name of person who recognized me)!?!?" And it was as if we were old friends. Everyone else though seemed to bring back sharp, chilly memories that speared themselves right into the front of my brain. I just washed it away, though with Blue Moon ale after Blue Moon ale......It was a night fit for drinking, that's for sure.....
One thing I can say, though, is that I didn't turn out like my parents. My mom got married at the tender age of 19 to my father who was 24 at the time. In fact, I was in a semi-serious relationship at 19 with a really self destructive guy. Ok, wait, let's call a fucking spade a spade here- he had a horrendous cocaine and then crack problem. Yes, that's right, I said it, a crack problem. He was the kind of drug user who ex heroine addicts I know refer to as the "dirty drug users". A drug user who probably, once or twice, picked at the carpet for more rock....Believe it or not, I had NO idea this was going on. His addcition was veiled by his all american boy good looks and sweet, heart-o-gold demeanor. Needless to say, once everyone around us found out this was an ongoing problem, I think people kind of held their breath until I finally cut him out of my life. Are you kidding me? I wasn't ready to get married, and more specifically to a crack head! Some people.....24 came and went without wedding bells, and I am REALLY ok with that. I think that people seldom realize the responsibility that goes into getting married. A lot of people today, I think, get married because their spouse is/was a good fuck and one or both have a very steady, well paying job in a very lucrative industry. Chuck and I though, we are just two working, lower middle class stiffs like the rest of the people we know and are fully aware that we need to wait another year or two. I mean, I don't mean to get all Idiocracy on everyone's ass (great movie, don't cha think?) but if I have learned anything in the last seven years, it's patience and timing. We'll get there.....
Sorry this blog was sooooo sappy! I think it's the PMS that's doing it. Yeah, that's it! The PMS! THAT'S my story and I am sticking to it!
I mean, it's ONLY 25- hell my boyfriend is older than that. In fact, he'll be 30 this year!?!?!? I think the 1/4 life crisis thing gets wayyyyy amped up, to like preposterous proportions! Thanks a lot, John Mayer! Didn't even really like that song, ANYWAY! It probably didn't help that the bar we went to last night was brimming over with familiar faces from high school, either......Let's just say, the last year of high school was so wrought with controversy in my life, specifically love life, that graduation day was a blur. I grabbed my diploma, and skedaddled. Ugh. WHY do I still even think about effin' high school? WHY the hang-ups, I must ask myself. I think, though, it is due largely in part to the fact that there are SO many situations that did not receive closure...
I really feel like I deserve some answers, from SOMEone, anyone. Like, for instance with the first love who broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, this relationship carried, on and off, over into post high school years. However, as of this May it will be the 2 year anniversary of his death. I found out at a bar, by someone who I used to go to high school with. He hung himself in the bathroom, I found out, after I had immediately called his mother. It was like two weeks after the fact. I needed to know that it wasn't some twisted prank. Needless to say, I wasn't invited to the funeral. She said she couldn't find my contact information. I almost feel like, and maybe this is sick but, had I seen him with my own eyes in that coffin, then perhaps it would have made it seem more permanent. Yet, there I was, balling, uncontrollably in the arms of my current boyfriend, in the middle of a bar. It was the most intense, surreal, confusing moment of my adult life, thus far. I still think about Matt. probably once a month. I love my current boyfriend with all of my being (hehe, or with all of me bones, as I like to tell him
), but I think he DOES understand that Matt will always have a special corner in my heart reserved for just his memory. His tortured memory, but never the less, his. And, honestly, maybe I am underestimating myself here. Chuck and I have a great relationship. We will probably get married before I see 30. This is the MOST functional relationship ever. I am happy here, for once. And everything makes sense and fits perfectly...
So, why, if I am happy, am I feeling this anxiety, you ask? Well, that's probably because I am 25 and STILL have no direction. Sure, I am writing the blog and for the magazine through Urbancode Magazine , but I never got a college degree. In that room with me were college graduates, people that excelled post high school. I was glad no one recognized me ( I have changed A LOT since high school!), what was I going to say? No, wait, actually, there was one guy. It was weird, too, because in HS, he and I butted heads, A LOT. Last night, though, he came up to me and was like, "Heid!?!?!" and was like "Yes! It's Heidi (last name here)! How are you (name of person who recognized me)!?!?" And it was as if we were old friends. Everyone else though seemed to bring back sharp, chilly memories that speared themselves right into the front of my brain. I just washed it away, though with Blue Moon ale after Blue Moon ale......It was a night fit for drinking, that's for sure.....
One thing I can say, though, is that I didn't turn out like my parents. My mom got married at the tender age of 19 to my father who was 24 at the time. In fact, I was in a semi-serious relationship at 19 with a really self destructive guy. Ok, wait, let's call a fucking spade a spade here- he had a horrendous cocaine and then crack problem. Yes, that's right, I said it, a crack problem. He was the kind of drug user who ex heroine addicts I know refer to as the "dirty drug users". A drug user who probably, once or twice, picked at the carpet for more rock....Believe it or not, I had NO idea this was going on. His addcition was veiled by his all american boy good looks and sweet, heart-o-gold demeanor. Needless to say, once everyone around us found out this was an ongoing problem, I think people kind of held their breath until I finally cut him out of my life. Are you kidding me? I wasn't ready to get married, and more specifically to a crack head! Some people.....24 came and went without wedding bells, and I am REALLY ok with that. I think that people seldom realize the responsibility that goes into getting married. A lot of people today, I think, get married because their spouse is/was a good fuck and one or both have a very steady, well paying job in a very lucrative industry. Chuck and I though, we are just two working, lower middle class stiffs like the rest of the people we know and are fully aware that we need to wait another year or two. I mean, I don't mean to get all Idiocracy on everyone's ass (great movie, don't cha think?) but if I have learned anything in the last seven years, it's patience and timing. We'll get there.....
Sorry this blog was sooooo sappy! I think it's the PMS that's doing it. Yeah, that's it! The PMS! THAT'S my story and I am sticking to it!
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-TM
Perhaps the Dalai Lama will win Meteorologist of the Year.