rude_ruca

"No pics!? Can you believe that bitch? What a tool..." Story of my life folks, story of my life....

...Anywho, outside of being the great dissapointment on the picture tip, I do have some news to report. The beach was a grand ol time. Loads of sun, but this said sun seemed to make one forget to bring their camera. Haha, I had visions of my body gliding across the one block in which our hotel was situated from the beach, onto the gritty, hot, and in some places wet floor that would await me at the shores of ocean city, maryland.

I actually had my first ever, er well to my best recolection, wardrobe malfunction. I bought one of thiose 'tankinis' and to my dismay, the bottoms were not as secure once pounded by a wave as they are on a hanger! Yes, thats right, on the second day, after about 45 minutes in the water, I was making my way out of the fairly easy tide, almost puney undertow. All of a sudden, a wave broke against my back, but in waters that were no higher than my thighs, knocking me over and under. As the undertow gently guided my submerged body back out into the ocean, the sand below was not as forgiving. Actually, I was more or less dragged, and got the equivelent of a sandy "rug burn" on my knees, only, the water was back to being shallow, and as I was pulled, the bottoms came sliding down to about my thighs. As I felt it happening, I grabbed a hold of those fuckers and, yes still submerged, tugged them up like I'd never tugged before! Of course, in true wipe out fashion, I emerged from the water, hair drapped and caked across my face, and mostly my eyes, mouth agape, gasping for air and pulling one side of my top down, and the other of my bottoms up. It was quite a scene, I must say. thank God there'd not been snot, for then I think I would have just DIED!

Chuckie and I are doing very well. As of today, we have been together for five months. In the grand scheme of things, I am sure this is a minescule amount of time, but in the realm of "Ruca" this is a great achievement. I have not been able to maintain a functional relationship for more than at least four months. Also, in celebration of this grand event, I started taking the pill. Which also means I got my FIRST EVER Pap S(ch)mear (I added the "ch" for a little effect. It probably would have been more effective had I been vocally communicating to you all....). Briefly, if you are a male, or even female, and the thought of a OBGYN poking at my vagina nausiates you, I suggest you not go any further. I may go into gruesome detail....

....So, I get there. The place made me feel a little leary. As I told a freind tonight, I felt like i was at an international market place "American, you like chicken? How about pap smear"? But proceeded anyway. In my room, I have my tee shirt and bra pulled up around my neck, nearly suffocating me, I KNEW I'd worn the wrong bra that day. The doctor, who seemed more fit to work at some holistic or wholefoods joint, begins to poke and pull and prod at my breasts. Now, I know she was checking for lumps, aka breast cancer, however, I had PMS at the time therefore making them UBER tender. I almost wanted to cry, but trust me, it wasn't near what I was about to expirience with my vagina in this crazy woman's hands.

I have my feet in the stirrups, spread eagle, my vagina tighter than a brick wall because I am so stressed, so when she rasises her hand up from in between my legs displaying what looked like salad tongs, all I could think was, there is NO WAY you are shoving THOSE in my vag, lady! (Later that day,i saw a picture of someone serving salad in a magazine, and I almost threw up in my mouth, no lie...). After LUBING me up and shoving this 8 inch food serving aparatus into me, she tells me that she is concerned- she can't find my cervix. "What do you MEAN you cannot find my cervix, lady!?!?! Isn't that your job!?!? Aren't you like some kind of cervix explorative adventurer, or something?" So, again, my vagina tightens up, and even though she said this was going to feel like my first time having sex, I don't remember my first boyfreind's penis feeling like that of surgical steel and contorting my vagina's walls like we were doing stretching exercises so that I might be able to fit the state of Texas into my pussy at some later date! She then tells me she is going to shove a 12 inch set of tongs, or whatever she called them into me and to just hold on. Hold on!?!?!? Hold onto what!?!?! Your fucking table did not come equipped with seat belts and handle bars, the only thing holding anything together are my ass cheeks not only because of the stress, but that was the only orifice left that I seemed to have control over (not only was my mouth gaping wide from the shocking discomfort, I felt as though I couldnt breathe through my nose, and my ears were ringing, so yeah, just about ever orifice was out of my control at that point). Ah ha she says, like shes found the golden cervix. Everything looked great to her, she swabbed me with some q-tips, which actually felt as though she was poking at my tailbone via my vagina, and basically discussed, briefly, my options for birth control. She gave me perscription for Yasmin, and when I asked her how i might restore my dignity, well, she kinda just gave me a blank stare, like how could I. It was almost like the stare a girl gives a boy once they've finished boning and he asks her to leave, imediately. I was just like, get me the FUCK outta here. Oh, also, I had to drive an hour with lube that had run out of my vagina and neatly tucked itself into my ass hole. Swamp ass, or sweaty crack doesnt feel nearly as sweet as used lube-ass, for sure!

Now, as bad as I made this whole expirience out to be, the place really wasnt THAT bad and I know that it was something that needed to be done, as well as STD testing. I came back with a clean bill of health, and that makes me very happy (and as I had expected it to be!), as I can honestly say, Chuckie is pretty much it. I would like to think that he and I can go the distance, that we can make this thing work.

So, other than trying to keep my ego intact, I have had loads of mights of drinking and carrying on, so yes, I HAVE been enjoying myself in the last week since coming back from the beach. In fact, my nad my best pal, Midfuckepiphany caught the Rancid show this past weekend in DC at the black cat. What an amazing effin time! They were SO on point, so fresh and tighter than my vagina during a pap smear! Hehe....no but seriously, at the end, they broke into an accoustic set, and asked the crowd for requests. I wanted to request their newest single "Tattoo", but darned if I wasn't close enough. Anyway, after four beers and the same amount of Yak (jack) and cokes, my night was pretty much fabulous. the opening bands were great, and just as I told my pal, I really feel as though I got my money's worth...

....Now, on that note,I must go take my next pill. Hopefully my asshole won't fall out over night (you all should SEE some of the precautionary warnings/side effects for this stuff...wild!)

Hugs'n'thugs, bitches!