rubysniper

so if there has to be some indicator of my personality....here goes:
today is my birthday, but i feel like i'm stuck in some sick claustrophobic bubble. lately my life revolves around isolation and attempting to keep people around with the minimalist of effort. i read books about addictions and personality disorder in an attempt to rationalize "see, other people are worse off". instead it's one of those apiphany moments of sickness. i'm them, but 10 years younger. maybe i just haven't reached that breaking point yet. it all makes sense. the isolation. the wanting to live inside yourself and tell everyone else exactly where they can put what. i want to stop it and i try. but maybe that's what makes me so miserable in the first place. i always try to be something i'm not. i don't WANT to be stable or happy or have meaningful relationships. i want to conquer ideas and events and keep moving forward.
i try to latch on to meaningful relationships but those are about as propserious as ....whatever. needless to say, relationships are never what they're cracked up to be. everyone wants to something and i swear to god, if the people i loved ever did anything half selfish, i'd die of shock right then and there. i miss my cuz. she was the only one who ever understood me or saw me for who i "really" was....


wow, life's crazy. you're never where you thought you'd be.