Thursday Apr 07, 2005

0
Fuck this shit I can't be fucking assed.

I've spent 25 fucking years getting a stupid ass education, being brought up in the most priviledged background and where has it fucking got me? Nowhere.

I can"t be assed to get a job in a stupid-ass pub or washing dishes or something equally as dire. Has it really come to this? 25 years and nothing to show for it. I can't even afford to pay rent.

Has it really got to be this hard? Is it too much to ask to do something fulfilling thats not hurting someone, thats inspiring, and be paid decent money for it? Have I really made all the wrong decisions all along? Will I ever get my act together? I feel so unmotivated I can't even so the simplest thing. I'm just dossing around and wasting away. I can forget about my stupid-ass business. Its just not feasible.

I'm earning in a month what i need to be earning in a week. I need to go out and get a job, anything, but after all this time, all this money spent on a degree and a masters, I can't face getting a shitty minimum wage job again.

I'm feeling very very sorry for my sorry ass in case you can't tell. And its all so ridiculous because the only person to blame is myself and my decisions and my attitude. But instead of being proactive and getting my act together and I'm sitting around moaning, and slowly making things worse.

Oh its so fucking pathetic.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
tarqu1n:
I feel your pain because I know it only too well. I have a job I hate but am afraid to give up its boring but safe recompense. I only woke up to the fact that it was killing me slowly from the inside when my life sort of fell apart last year. So plan was made, applications sent, expectation high...and it all just falls apart. But I am still standing and all I can do is make another plan and keep trying to find my little place in the world.

I admire you for making a go of things and taking a risk. At least you're 5 years behind! Still lots of room to manoeuvre for you. What you are feeling now is urgency. Your chest is tightening, you feel this general emptiness but you don't know how to act. You also are now feeling guilty for all the procrastination you've been doing. I can guarantee you whatever amount of procrastination you've done, I've done more.

I can't exactly help you (you know the only person who can) and I won't offer any advice...but I will say this:

Necessity is the best motivator for people like you and me. I think you are getting to the point where you MUST do something or go stark raving mad.

We'd also prefer a world where we could reach our goals in long superhuman leaps rather than the legion of inifintesimal steps that we end up having to take.

I'll make you a deal: if you don't give up, I won't either.

[Edited on Apr 07, 2005 9:51PM]
forkandles:
I've been there more than once & am not entirely out of it myself yet, so I can empathise with you. Your mood may be intensified by the comedown after your break - which isn't to say that you don't need to take stock & make some decisions which may go against what you want to do in the short term, It may be hard to take a job you don't want to do to pay the bills until you can build up your business, but that is life. Small beginnings ....
You have already acheived things you can be proud of: don't denigrate those and certainly don't abandon your business or even trivialise it: it IS yours, you are doing something which you enjoy, and the results of your effort are beautiful and well made. Your skill and creativity may not be paying for itself at the moment but that takes time to achieve, and you have that in your favour. 'Hang in there'. smile kiss

[Edited on Apr 08, 2005 12:16PM]

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