yep, it's just past midnight, and here i am again, at home, alone and it's been a full on week.
Monday - blood tests and doctor no 1. doctor no 1 says i look shocking and wants me to see a specialist here in the local area.
Tuesday - psychologist, 1st session, as the GP says I need to go because of the hashimotos hypothyroidism and how it is so painful. he is very laid back and easy to talk to, i like him, except he wants me to do a timeline of my whole life with significant events, emotional, physical, whatever....
Wednesday - doctor no 2.
Thursday - 8am - doctor no 2 and blood test results, my TSH results have gone almost as high as they were in the beginning of all this, she is baffled....the specialist and my GP want me in Concord hospital next week for 4 days, so that a cardiologist, endicrinologist, and various other specialists can do lots of tests and try and see why I am getting sicker, and in much more pain, pretty much most of the time. doctor 2 calls doctor 1 an idiot.
11am - doctor no 1. wants to put me on anti depressants "JUST IN CASE" i get depressed from feeling ill. After spending 8 months weening myself off them, no f***ing way. i tell doctor no 1 that doctor no 2 said he is an idiot. doesn't go over well. what the f*** do i care?
5pm - naturopath. not sure what's going on. he has become a great friend and treats me for free, except for any supplements, which i pay for. he has offered me a job as a part time receptionist and making phone calls and generally helping him. he is a lovely man and i have known him for about 12 years. he then started to tell me about how he had an idea for me to make money, as he knows i really need it now, with a website of my own and a webcam and corsets and wot not. hmmmm, i am a bit confused....besides the fact that i am 34 and about 20 kilos overweight, what sort of webcam? what are people going to pay to see. he joked about me, a corset and a trampoline....on webcam. like an old fashioned peep show....i mumble to myself and shake my head. i swear i live in another parallel universe. i said to him, no one would want to watch me do anything, i am not fascinating, but if i was 10 years younger and slimmer i might do all sorts of things on cam, not sexual, but perhaps suggestive. but that's another story.
Friday - no appointments, woke up at 7am, and tried to get some sw to woke, but couldn't, a plug in for PS. my mobile phone and the house phone rang almost all day, as most days, the commonwealth ringing again about my mastercard, a computerised voice recording telling me that i am over my limit. yep, i know, they ring about 14 times a day, but only monday to friday. which is nice.
My uncle is still fighting, still here with us, the cancer has gone through his whole body, he is extremely sick from the treatments, but has a great attitude. he isn't scared of dying, but continues to put up a fight. i love him very much.
Mum is very upset, broke down and cried the other day, she said that it was horrible watching me, and she is just so frustrated cause she wishes she could help, or do more, but she does everything possible. she yelled at the doctor during the wek, she is just so worried, she said, "i don't want to see you die", "or go into a coma", "or have a heart attack", she needs answers, and some sort of sign that something is working. i hate seeing her so worried and so distressed because of me.i love her very much too, unconditional love is an amazing thing.
so here i sit, i want to scream, i want to stop this pain in my chest, i don't want to feel like vomiting every day, i wish my joints didn't ache so much. but such is life.
it's a strange, funny, ironic thing is life....the things that happen, the people who really are your friends, are few and very rare. after 10 years of being unwell, the blood disorder, the chronic fatigue, the chemical sensitivities, going deaf temporarily, and all this now, has shown me from a relatively young age how truly important certain things are, i used to take so much for granted when i was 21, 22, now i don't. take nothing for granted. never assume you will have good health, money, love, family, friendship, nothing. if you do have anything valuable, take care of it, take care of yourself, take care of those that really are special. everyone wants to be your friend when things are going right, when you are happy, healthy, able to go places, do things - when this isn't the case - they just don't get it. one day they too will experience something that is unpleasant, horrible, difficult and tragic. with experience comes insight.
so i find great enjoyment and distraction in my art, my photography and in the simple things really. the baby birds in the tree outside my window, spoukie snoring next to me in bed, the cold wter on my face, the feel of the soft grass under my feet.
although i have been so envolved in my art and wot not that my studio looks like such a mess, make-up, wigs, clothes, patterns, paper, cd's, tulle, books, jewellery, stuff....everywhere i look. i will attempt to tidy, pack away and dust tomorrow.
i watched the notorious betty page yesterday, and i loved it. i think she was very misunderstood, naive and had such a good heart. she had no intention of becoming an icon or a sex symbol. but life does weird things like that.
a friend gave me a book called " sacred texts - celtic wisdom" , which i adore -
on truth, and things as they really are
things as you see them, and things as they really are, are in no way alike; illusion is the environment of Earth and it deludes the inner eye with outward impressions.
as a needle pricks a blister to let out the water, so does the sharp point of Truth pierce the veil of illusion and let out ignorance.
the mind of man is like a pool of water; while it is disturbed, only distorted pictures can be seen; but when it becomes calm and still, the light of spiritual Truth is reflected there in all its beauty. the inner being interprets things through a veil of emotion. the man who burns hotly within himself sees the world about him as a fierce fire seeking to consume him; but the man who is calm and quiet within himself sees all about him as tranquil and peaceful.
pre-christian, 2nd century BCE-!at century CE
the love song for a vampire
Monday - blood tests and doctor no 1. doctor no 1 says i look shocking and wants me to see a specialist here in the local area.
Tuesday - psychologist, 1st session, as the GP says I need to go because of the hashimotos hypothyroidism and how it is so painful. he is very laid back and easy to talk to, i like him, except he wants me to do a timeline of my whole life with significant events, emotional, physical, whatever....
Wednesday - doctor no 2.
Thursday - 8am - doctor no 2 and blood test results, my TSH results have gone almost as high as they were in the beginning of all this, she is baffled....the specialist and my GP want me in Concord hospital next week for 4 days, so that a cardiologist, endicrinologist, and various other specialists can do lots of tests and try and see why I am getting sicker, and in much more pain, pretty much most of the time. doctor 2 calls doctor 1 an idiot.
11am - doctor no 1. wants to put me on anti depressants "JUST IN CASE" i get depressed from feeling ill. After spending 8 months weening myself off them, no f***ing way. i tell doctor no 1 that doctor no 2 said he is an idiot. doesn't go over well. what the f*** do i care?
5pm - naturopath. not sure what's going on. he has become a great friend and treats me for free, except for any supplements, which i pay for. he has offered me a job as a part time receptionist and making phone calls and generally helping him. he is a lovely man and i have known him for about 12 years. he then started to tell me about how he had an idea for me to make money, as he knows i really need it now, with a website of my own and a webcam and corsets and wot not. hmmmm, i am a bit confused....besides the fact that i am 34 and about 20 kilos overweight, what sort of webcam? what are people going to pay to see. he joked about me, a corset and a trampoline....on webcam. like an old fashioned peep show....i mumble to myself and shake my head. i swear i live in another parallel universe. i said to him, no one would want to watch me do anything, i am not fascinating, but if i was 10 years younger and slimmer i might do all sorts of things on cam, not sexual, but perhaps suggestive. but that's another story.
Friday - no appointments, woke up at 7am, and tried to get some sw to woke, but couldn't, a plug in for PS. my mobile phone and the house phone rang almost all day, as most days, the commonwealth ringing again about my mastercard, a computerised voice recording telling me that i am over my limit. yep, i know, they ring about 14 times a day, but only monday to friday. which is nice.
My uncle is still fighting, still here with us, the cancer has gone through his whole body, he is extremely sick from the treatments, but has a great attitude. he isn't scared of dying, but continues to put up a fight. i love him very much.
Mum is very upset, broke down and cried the other day, she said that it was horrible watching me, and she is just so frustrated cause she wishes she could help, or do more, but she does everything possible. she yelled at the doctor during the wek, she is just so worried, she said, "i don't want to see you die", "or go into a coma", "or have a heart attack", she needs answers, and some sort of sign that something is working. i hate seeing her so worried and so distressed because of me.i love her very much too, unconditional love is an amazing thing.
so here i sit, i want to scream, i want to stop this pain in my chest, i don't want to feel like vomiting every day, i wish my joints didn't ache so much. but such is life.
it's a strange, funny, ironic thing is life....the things that happen, the people who really are your friends, are few and very rare. after 10 years of being unwell, the blood disorder, the chronic fatigue, the chemical sensitivities, going deaf temporarily, and all this now, has shown me from a relatively young age how truly important certain things are, i used to take so much for granted when i was 21, 22, now i don't. take nothing for granted. never assume you will have good health, money, love, family, friendship, nothing. if you do have anything valuable, take care of it, take care of yourself, take care of those that really are special. everyone wants to be your friend when things are going right, when you are happy, healthy, able to go places, do things - when this isn't the case - they just don't get it. one day they too will experience something that is unpleasant, horrible, difficult and tragic. with experience comes insight.
so i find great enjoyment and distraction in my art, my photography and in the simple things really. the baby birds in the tree outside my window, spoukie snoring next to me in bed, the cold wter on my face, the feel of the soft grass under my feet.
although i have been so envolved in my art and wot not that my studio looks like such a mess, make-up, wigs, clothes, patterns, paper, cd's, tulle, books, jewellery, stuff....everywhere i look. i will attempt to tidy, pack away and dust tomorrow.
i watched the notorious betty page yesterday, and i loved it. i think she was very misunderstood, naive and had such a good heart. she had no intention of becoming an icon or a sex symbol. but life does weird things like that.
a friend gave me a book called " sacred texts - celtic wisdom" , which i adore -
on truth, and things as they really are
things as you see them, and things as they really are, are in no way alike; illusion is the environment of Earth and it deludes the inner eye with outward impressions.
as a needle pricks a blister to let out the water, so does the sharp point of Truth pierce the veil of illusion and let out ignorance.
the mind of man is like a pool of water; while it is disturbed, only distorted pictures can be seen; but when it becomes calm and still, the light of spiritual Truth is reflected there in all its beauty. the inner being interprets things through a veil of emotion. the man who burns hotly within himself sees the world about him as a fierce fire seeking to consume him; but the man who is calm and quiet within himself sees all about him as tranquil and peaceful.
pre-christian, 2nd century BCE-!at century CE
the love song for a vampire
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
I am afraid I am still stuck in the 80's. My buddy always played this at the end of the night, and though it is a melancholy song, it still makes me very happy:
i