rubberduckytat

When it comes to sexual orientation Im the one (amongst many) that is stuck in that grey area. Both sides, gay and straight seem to be fixed in their stances in which the bi side isnt really seen as anything other than as someone being confused or pressured. But if someone can love and or be attracted to a person despite their gender why is that such a bad thing? Granted Im not talking to those who just pretend to like a girl or drunkenly kiss one because that is what their boyfriends want I can fully understand how that would anger the gay and lesbian community that honestly has had to struggle against a lot of things, and still does. But what about us few individuals that are truly unsure of who we will love or give ourselves to, physically or as a whole. For me and what has happened to myself I distrust men as a whole and the majority of my lays are male, but when it comes to females I am picker in what I am attracted to because in a way I respect women a whole hell of a lot more than I do men. If and when I am with a girl it is because I have connected with her on several levels. And sadly for the most part when I am with a guy it is because I am punishing myself for whatever preconceived notion that I am dealing with at the time. The few times I have been with a woman had nothing to do with self-hatred, but more with self exploration, fulfillment, and discovery. Dont get me wrong Im still a one woman person, Im not into threesomes or being with someone as long as I can be with someone else on the side. You are either with someone in whole better or for worse, meaning when it gets to bad your break out of said relationship, or you stay. As for just meeting a physical, you should let whoever you are with at the moment know that you are only having sex with them because you feel the need to have sex, and that it will go no farther than that moment. Most arent that open and yes I can even raise my hand and claim that occasionally I havent been upfront on my own needs and wants and always it does blow up for both people.
Honestly though men I just see as something to either play with or fuck for a night and if I do fuck them it has nothing to really do with them but only to do with what I am feeling with at the moment. I tend to want to have relationships with females, a few that were out of my reach and others that I spent time with physically and emotionally but didnt end up into anything more than what it was. Strangely I have always been able to open up better to a female and there for have a crush on them, and as for men Ive always been able to see their weakness and hating that in myself and manifested that onto them. So in the end I deify women and always find them special in their own way, and abhor men because in a way I see myself in them and I also seem them as what Ive feared from younger lessons. Yet if I was to look at that rationally and run with it than I would also detest women because I have been taught that no matter what gender you are people are out for themselves, hell I am out for only myself. My own family (immediate) , for my own diluted and drummed in delusions, are the only ones that I will fight and protect no matter what (rather I hate them at the moment or not), and yet even them I dont really give my whole to, I always keep things back. The romantic in me likes to think there is someone out there where I will/can unload everything onto and vice-versa, we build onto that and become together and unstoppable. The realist in me knows that this is just a fantasy, nothing is that easy, there is no one out there that will except me for me non judgmental and vice-versa.
But if you ask me on any given day, what I fantasize about or see myself with in the end, I will always describe (looks veering) a list of ideals nothing physical, I truly am not looking for anything gender wise, just looking for someone who will accept all of me, someone who I dont feel the need to play or pretend to be something other than what I am. In a way I am laying all of it on the other personal but also in a way I am opening myself up to someone who sparks something in myself due to growing together where I can love them and let them love me.