rubberduckytat

If I was smart I would stop this now and save two people from getting hurt in the end, but with everything Ive been called, smart really isnt one of them. So Im trying to reserve myself to the fact that I am going to get deeply hurt (unfortunately) and maybe even end up hurting the other party, bright side is that when Im hurt I probably wont feel the guilt of hurting someone else, down side I will hurt and he will hurt and everything will be a mess (Im used to messes hell that is what my life is). I really should come with a pdf. Manual that has the option to download new stuff weekly. That way whoever would know exactly the right things to do and say to nullify any excuse Id use to end the relationship. Said manual would beep in the middle of any conflict to give advice on how to continue. What is bringing this up is there is this guy (isnt it always there is this other person thing going on), whove I conditioned to be just something of a sexual object (for the both of us) and in moments where my mood is like it is right now, that just doesnt work, and I guess in the end Im just really looking to pick a fight and I really dont want to do so with him. I fall back on the fact that this wouldnt even be happening between us if he didnt have to be a fucktard and say I love you for no real concrete reasons, and still annoyingly stick to those words. He knows nothing about me other then that I am willing to open up my legs and he says those words. And in the end he has no real idea how much those words said over and over effect me. There is that part of me that wants to be loved, no matter what, so badly (which isnt his fault granted just my own fucked up ness) and the logical part that sees that insane urge and knows the truth. I want the fantasy of love in all the books Ive ever read. So here I am desperately trying to protect him from my own emotional shit. Funny thing is that I dont even ask for fidelity, be with me and dont say you love me (so you dont tug at my heart) and feel free to sleep with who or what you want, just dont complain when I say we will always use a condom. Me Id be faithful just because the whole finding another partner really wouldnt be needed if I had someone to sleep with steadily and if it wasnt steadily I would call an end to it and go off to sleep around. I guess the only fidelity I really ask for is the emotional kind, if I give you my heart and you say you give me yours, then emotionally dont fuck me over, physically do what you want, but if I need you hold me while I cry about my past do so, yet dont pity me for it. Hell I am not even close to pretty, on a good day I am downright plain, so I do understand lusting after those who have qualities that you look for (heck even I look at books or Hollywood and lust). Call me odd though but when you say you love someone you are given them something more special than your lust. And in the end maybe he is giving me something more than lust and I am so wrapped up in my own problems and sub consciousness that I just cant see it and in return will just break both of us (not proud of it). Sadly he is subjected to those who came before and so am I, and I on one hand wont talk about that, he doesnt either and it just makes me wonder if it is because of my rules I put in place or because of his own personally imposed filters and in the end it really doesnt matter. Selfish as it all is in the end all that matters is what I feel, and with him I feel that I will end up destroyed for awhile.