Okay a few glasses of wine (no worries I dont have to work tomorrow) and a long talk with KandyKid has left me feeling happy yet very insecure. Of course I was finally honest with her, that whole slumming thing was bullshit and only came up because of the last person I slept with. Sadly enough I respect my former lovers enough to state this, and now KandyKid wont let me live it down for a bit. I finally confessed (even though she already had an inclining) that my one night stand (that lasted two turns) was Walmart guy Ive noted that this only means something between me and her, but I will let all of you others defer what a nickname like that could mean. So yes we can now put BUD on the back burner because she is and will be having a field day with this new one.
I told her it was my own self-loathing that let it happen but she is still harping on it...its funny dont get me wrong, and I do love her reaction about the whole thing but we both agreed that I could sleep with a Johnny Depp look alike and it still wouldnt save me from her ridicule. But damned if I dont want that look alike, as much as I try I cant get over my crush on gothic guys, or even shojo looking guys, I cant help it most of my time is spent in fantasy worlds thanks to being a writer. Notice how I am talking about looks and not personality, I personally dont want to stick around enough to know the whole personality thing, I just want surface stuff, and promise to only give surface stuff. Sadly Ive learned as a girl the more vague you are the more they think you are a mystery to solve and there for its that whole video game mentality, of being the first to reach the highest level or to unlock everything, or to smugly discover all the easter eggs. Mehh (that should be my catch phrase). But really since I dont look for a relationship and just some kind of physical short connection Im all about the whole physical thing, and dont worry my taste arent that exclusive, sadly and obviously take the matter of Walmart guy. Once upon a time (years ago) I made a list of the perfect guy (one of which Id actually form a relationship with) due to the advice of a friend, and besides of the never would exist quirkiness of what I find attractive I was told that what I want is a male version of myself and even then Id probably end up trying to either destroy or kill said person, on nights like these I think thats a good point. Though on the brighter side, I live with myself, and have yet to destroy or kill me lol.
I realize that whole low self-esteem thing I have going on is something I have to work on myself, and so far, okay really just with the last person, Im just punishing myself and I am better than that but as it is I used to be a cutter, and gave it up, so Ive tried to find other ways to hurt without leaving marks that are permanent (no fuck you I am not Emo, was what I was before that name was even coined). I dont know, sometimes I havent even a clue who I am or even what I really want, other than the fantasy of who I am and who someone could be. I dont want to be someones all or visa-versa, that is just too much. I just want a big time lust that is viscerally, I kind of have that to be honest it inspires, and sadly Ive even had a dream (good) about him, well kind of good, and kind of a regret about being in his area and not telling him and in the end not making it physical for real. I know if we ever do make that physical connection I will be able to just chalk it up to a good, yet another one nightstand. Again it is all about the surface stuff, and that is all I let him know, the only difference, is that he is actually physically attractive on a level I dont normally pursue, not my dream guy (physically and or personally) but still damn hot. Okay enough of that, Im going to have a cig, then lay down to good music and hopefully dream of beetlejuice, yes I know Im sick but that is for another post.
I told her it was my own self-loathing that let it happen but she is still harping on it...its funny dont get me wrong, and I do love her reaction about the whole thing but we both agreed that I could sleep with a Johnny Depp look alike and it still wouldnt save me from her ridicule. But damned if I dont want that look alike, as much as I try I cant get over my crush on gothic guys, or even shojo looking guys, I cant help it most of my time is spent in fantasy worlds thanks to being a writer. Notice how I am talking about looks and not personality, I personally dont want to stick around enough to know the whole personality thing, I just want surface stuff, and promise to only give surface stuff. Sadly Ive learned as a girl the more vague you are the more they think you are a mystery to solve and there for its that whole video game mentality, of being the first to reach the highest level or to unlock everything, or to smugly discover all the easter eggs. Mehh (that should be my catch phrase). But really since I dont look for a relationship and just some kind of physical short connection Im all about the whole physical thing, and dont worry my taste arent that exclusive, sadly and obviously take the matter of Walmart guy. Once upon a time (years ago) I made a list of the perfect guy (one of which Id actually form a relationship with) due to the advice of a friend, and besides of the never would exist quirkiness of what I find attractive I was told that what I want is a male version of myself and even then Id probably end up trying to either destroy or kill said person, on nights like these I think thats a good point. Though on the brighter side, I live with myself, and have yet to destroy or kill me lol.
I realize that whole low self-esteem thing I have going on is something I have to work on myself, and so far, okay really just with the last person, Im just punishing myself and I am better than that but as it is I used to be a cutter, and gave it up, so Ive tried to find other ways to hurt without leaving marks that are permanent (no fuck you I am not Emo, was what I was before that name was even coined). I dont know, sometimes I havent even a clue who I am or even what I really want, other than the fantasy of who I am and who someone could be. I dont want to be someones all or visa-versa, that is just too much. I just want a big time lust that is viscerally, I kind of have that to be honest it inspires, and sadly Ive even had a dream (good) about him, well kind of good, and kind of a regret about being in his area and not telling him and in the end not making it physical for real. I know if we ever do make that physical connection I will be able to just chalk it up to a good, yet another one nightstand. Again it is all about the surface stuff, and that is all I let him know, the only difference, is that he is actually physically attractive on a level I dont normally pursue, not my dream guy (physically and or personally) but still damn hot. Okay enough of that, Im going to have a cig, then lay down to good music and hopefully dream of beetlejuice, yes I know Im sick but that is for another post.