Drugs are bad kids. I’ve been struggling, not with the conscious use of drugs or alcohol as this blog topic might suggest, but with an act that violated me as a human being and still leaves me with major anxiety.
On Saturday, July 16th, just 10 days ago, I was drugged against my knowledge or will. Not only was I drugged, but two of my friends and one other lady at the bar we were at were drugged. None of us knew, none of us gave permission, and all of us had to piece together exactly what happened that night. I don’t know if anyone else that night felt the effects of your poison, or if it was just our group that you were targeting.
I’ve been struggling with this. Anxiety fills me when I leave the house, even when I am just going to work. I now question the kindness of strangers and friends who offer me a drink, and I wonder if this feeling will ever go away. I hope it goes away.
We aren’t sure who you are. I can only assume it was you based on your behavior, so I apologize if I am addressing this letter to the wrong person. But I wanted to write you a letter. You, the man in the red shirt. “Alex” I think you said your name was. I want you to know exactly how your violation of my beverage made me feel and hopefully work through some of the anger and anxiety that has haunted me since that night.
Dear "Alex",
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. I also don’t know why you targeted us, why you thought your behavior was ok, but it’s not ok.
Nothing you did that night was ok. This is all assumption, from what we pieced together the next day: You drugged two of my drinks. Beers that I had left out on the table next to my friend who somehow overlooked or missed what you did. You got two of my friends’ drinks. Both women who are half my size, and one of whom was on medication that could have interacted negatively with whatever you put in her drink. You drugged the birthday girl. A stranger to me, but now we have this awful thing in common. You drugged us. And none of this is ok.
I can hear the “maybes” now, the self-doubt and the victim blaming that today’s society is so fond of. Maybe we should have been more aware: when you started hanging around our table, and asking us questions about whose drinks were sitting there. Maybe I should have known the second the room went sideways that I was too drunk too fast off of too little alcohol. But you seemed “nice”, so we didn’t mind you hanging out by our table. Maybe it was because our group was attending a “lingerie” themed party that you thought it was ok to target us. Maybe it was because we were scantily clad that you thought it was ok. Maybe it was because the birthday girl said it was ok for you to buy her a shot that you thought it was ok to add a little something to it. But it wasn’t ok. It was not ok.
I’m thankful that my friend recognized the uncomfortable and lost look on my face as you started to reach inside the bikini I was wearing because I was too far gone at that point to understand what was happening. I only remember bits and pieces of what happened, but I am glad she pulled me away from you and to safety because I was not ok with you touching me. I don’t know who else you touched that night, if any of my friends or the other women at the bar were violated by your assumption that it was ok to touch someone that you had drugged. I hope that it was no one. I hope that I was the only one, because I feel guilty for not recognizing the signs that I had been drugged before I woke up the next day. It’s not ok.
Have you ever seen the after effects of the drugs you gave us? Have you seen someone wake up at 3am, violently ill from your drugs? Have you ever seen them question themselves the next day? Have you watched as their friends try to convince them that they just drank more than they remembered? Have you witnessed the embarrassment as their own friends doubt them? Have you seen them continue to get sick throughout the day, their body aching as it continually tries to purge itself? The bloody noses, the forgetfulness, the missing memories of the night before, the indescribable feeling of violation? Have you witnessed any of that? If you have, why haven’t you seen that it’s not ok?
You are a terrible person. You are not ok. Nothing about your actions or behavior was ok. I am thankful that in the end, the ladies in my group from that night were safe. That the only thing that remains is this anxiety, because I know I can overcome that. I know that I will be ok. You will never be ok though. You need help. You need someone to teach you about consent, and about how to treat another human being. You need to realize that unless you change your behavior and pattern of thinking, you will never be ok.
Sincerely,
The girl that will be ok.
