Update...
So tosha might or might not have killed herself. She actually overdosed. Whether that was intentional or not still remains to be seen. I found out that she got married. I have no idea to who though. Her husband had her cremated and spread her ashes in the ocean.
It's been very hard for me. I find myself crying in short bursts all throughout the day. And I have been in a seriously horrible mood. Yesterday David wasn't feeling well and I was mean to him all day. I realized the errors or my ways and apologized to him this morning.
I was awake last night pretty late and decided to get out of the house. I don't know why I did. Maybe to find something that was missing. Either way it gave me some time to think and put things into perspective. I'm never going to see her again. She represented a whole portion of my life that I will never have back. This isn't the first time I have had to deal with death. But it doesn't make it any easier.
She was someone I truly called a friend. I don't have many people in my life that I really consider true friends. This site helps us to come together and hang out but how many of us can say in all honesty that we are good friends? I have known some people on this site for years and I still wouldn't consider them my real friends. This isn't to say that there aren't amazing people on here that I wouldn't help out if they needed it. I'm just saying that for the most part, none of you know all of me. You get the fragments that I choose to show you. She knew everything about me. I could and did tell her everything. I didn't have to know her long either before we became "sown at the hip" as dave put it yesterday. She and I had a connection that you don't get to have with everyone.
I don't feel like I just lost a friend. I feel like I lost a part of me. She was a wonderful person and ANYONE would have been lucky to call her a friend. I'm glad I got the chance to know her but I'll always wish that I could have given her just one more hug and told her how much she meant to me.
So tosha might or might not have killed herself. She actually overdosed. Whether that was intentional or not still remains to be seen. I found out that she got married. I have no idea to who though. Her husband had her cremated and spread her ashes in the ocean.
It's been very hard for me. I find myself crying in short bursts all throughout the day. And I have been in a seriously horrible mood. Yesterday David wasn't feeling well and I was mean to him all day. I realized the errors or my ways and apologized to him this morning.
I was awake last night pretty late and decided to get out of the house. I don't know why I did. Maybe to find something that was missing. Either way it gave me some time to think and put things into perspective. I'm never going to see her again. She represented a whole portion of my life that I will never have back. This isn't the first time I have had to deal with death. But it doesn't make it any easier.
She was someone I truly called a friend. I don't have many people in my life that I really consider true friends. This site helps us to come together and hang out but how many of us can say in all honesty that we are good friends? I have known some people on this site for years and I still wouldn't consider them my real friends. This isn't to say that there aren't amazing people on here that I wouldn't help out if they needed it. I'm just saying that for the most part, none of you know all of me. You get the fragments that I choose to show you. She knew everything about me. I could and did tell her everything. I didn't have to know her long either before we became "sown at the hip" as dave put it yesterday. She and I had a connection that you don't get to have with everyone.
I don't feel like I just lost a friend. I feel like I lost a part of me. She was a wonderful person and ANYONE would have been lucky to call her a friend. I'm glad I got the chance to know her but I'll always wish that I could have given her just one more hug and told her how much she meant to me.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
it was unspoken between us. we loved each other deeply but could do nothing about it.
i left the boy, his best frined, and that life behind, i got out while i could. it tore me apart too badly. i disappeared in the night, and took with me our secret connection and carried it in my heart always. i dremt about him every night, waking dreams that were so real, i could feel him next to me....
i found out two years ago, he over dosed two months after i left... in 2003.
died, in a field, next to a stream in victorville, california. two hobos stole his wallet and his truck, and let him for dead. had they called 911, he could have been saved. i had been living my life, missing him, and going along day to day, all the while he was dead.
apparently, someone called my mother because no one knew how to get ahold of me.
she kept the news from me trying to protect me. a friend messaged me on myspace, and told me what happened two days before my wedding. i wasnt able to attend his feuneral because i didn't know he had died. .. i wasnt able to be there for him because i had to save myself...
i ache inside every day. my heart has an empty spot that will never be filled. i never got to tell him goodbye. or how much he truly meant to me. i cry myself to sleep all too often thinking of what could have been. if i could have saved him. i sometimes wonder if i got married to forget him.. though i knew deep down that would never happen.
i really, really understand how you are feeling right now, and i am deeply sorry.