roxxy1

1/11/06

Large gaps go by when I just dont have the time to write. Now that Ive started my PCT training, It feels like Im not doing very much at all My plans fell through tonight, and Im left hanging out here, feeling lonely. This Wednesday marks me knowing Kyle for 3 weeks. So strange, sometimes it feels like more, sometimes way less. Ive definitely experienced ups and downs along the way, and Im pretty set on what it is I look for in another person, so I can be demanding. Even when youre not in a relationship with someone, you still kind of are. So thats where labeling eventually comes in. Eventually people feel the need to label one another, and try to possess each other. Sad but true, everyone, and everything in a way is only another possession. We look for the best in everything, telling ourselves we deserve it, as if we were buying sportscars. A person can be kind of like an automobile I guess. And Ill admit something here, I make judgements about a person based on how well they care for their car. A good example is someone who drives a nice car, but treats it badly, leaving it dirty. I think the way we take care of our things and how we handle personal relationships are directly correlated. But, these are just my crazy ramblings, so if anyone is actually reading this, feel free to skip ahead, or just stop reading altogether.
I still havent been able to intergrate going to the gym with my work schedule. I was going last week, but now that I have that fun commute to look forward to each day, the last thing I think of is going to the gym. But I stuck my bag in my car, so maybe thatll motivate me to get out there more. I was going to go today, but I decided that catching up on sleep should be my priority. Work, make work your favorite! Sorry, theres a random ELF quote for ya Im worried about gaining weight if I cant get my butt into the gym everyday, but I know itll get better, I just need to set a routine and stick with it everyday. But now I understand why people who work the 9-5 dont want to be bothered with the gym. When I was working at home, going to the gym was a great way to break up your day and leave the house a bit. Now that I work and commute, I dont want to leave my house all the time. I just want to put in my time, and relax.
Relaxation is the key I guess. And Im waiting for something to fill my life with. Something creative. I want to learn how to silk screen my own stuff. Make my own tshirts. I love making things, especially things I can wear. I take a lot of pride in finding clothing thats one o f a kind. I dont have a lot, but those are always the best kinds. It gives you a chance to show who you are, and give a unique impression. Its all about the little things, and I love the little things so
Mentally Im feeling ok. Not so incredibly depressed, pretty good. I think Ill be feeling great once I get my first kickass paycheck. I need money so bad! Commuting sucks up all your gas, and forget it if you need food to eat as well. I have like $29 in the bank, and it needs to last a couple days until I get a meager paycheck from Spencer Gifts. But, that paycheck will help me out with gas and all. And everything helps. I cant wait to have some money in pocket and live comfortably again. I really love getting coffee in the morning and lately thats a luxury I cannot afford. Vanilla Chai, how I love thee. Your smooth texture and steamed soy milk is calling to me. Chai is my favorite drink, and it rocks. Thinking of drinks, today is the first day in three weeks that I havent had a glass of wine, or a beer. Ive been falling into a habit of drinking lately, and its strange to not have any. I dont normally drink a lot, just a couple glasses of wine or something, but I worry about becoming dependent. Even now, truth be told, I wish I had poured myself a glass of wine. But Ill fight it for this one night, see how I feel. But, I feel slightly anxious at the thought of not drinking. Fuck, it hurts to admit that. Noone wants to feel that they need something like that. Reminds me of what Kyle says about smoking cigarettes, how he doesnt need to, he just wants too. And how if he really wanted to, he could stop smoking. But, at one point he claimed hed stop smoking and I told him not to say it if he didnt mean it. I dont like it when people let me down, and this is a great way to do so. By promising to stop smoking, and continuing to do so. But afterwards when Im grilling him about how much he smokes, he claims that he never said hed stop altogether. You know, I try not to care, but I care when I see people substance reliant. I dont want to sound hypopcritical, but I just dont want to be around someone like that. If you stay with people like that, you will be constantly disappointed, and let down. I hate being let down. Story of my life right there, and I dont want to be constantly living with that. My mother died a horrible death a couple years back because of smoking cigarettes , so how am I supposed to just let that go, and be romantically involved with someone who smokes? Oh who knows, I guess this stuff can be trivial
I think about Les sometimes because I see him casually as Im attempting to go places locally. Scott and I were looking to get some dinner as I see Les going into Papa Ginos, so we quickly turn around, and go someplace else. I know that soon I wont see him at all, and thatll make things all that much better. But theres always that tiny hurt in the back of my mind. Just a little bit of hurt. I saw a guy from behind once, and thought I really liked how he dressed and kept himself, I then see him from the side and notice that its Les.
Lately Ive noticed that Im totally attracted to gay looking men. Its so sad but true. A lot of the guys Im interested in, dont like women at all So what does that say about me, if Im attracted to gay looking guys? I dont always like to dominate in relationships, so its not like Im looking to be the guy or anything. Sometimes Ill act a little like a bitch, and youd be surprised how well that works. The sad truth, people will always take what you give, and only what you give. Want to receive more? Stop giving so much. Give, but wait to receive before continuously giving. Its all about give and take baby. But, I say you always have to treat your friends the best. Give to them first and foremost, and the other stuff comes later. Im gonna say it again, thank you so much to my friends. You truly make life worth living. Thank you so much for dealing with, and loving me for me. You guys are vital to me. I want to treat you all better, so were gonna have some more fun once I get some money and can live like a normal person again. Not like you need money for fun, but I want to take you guys out for dinner or something One thing at a time I guess
Speaking of friends, I hung out with Paul again and we watched two movies during our times together. Land of the Dead, and Day of the Dead. I enjoyed both immensely, especially Land of the Dead. I totally get it, and I love me some zombie movies. The great thing about watching these movies, is that its ok if Paul and I talk through the whole thing. I love the conversation generated from watching some guy get his pig gut intestines ripped out. And, it always makes me want to watch some long forgotten movie in my collection, like Silence of The Lambs. Its so good to have someone to appreciate my almost morbid love of killers, zombies, and the macabre. I know this makes me stereotypical, but I get good feelings from these types of movies. Some morbid fascination with watching horrendous acts on my tv screen. And, the little song at the end of the original Dawn of the Dead is priceless. Thanks a lot Paul for coming by and hanging out. Im so happy that weve found each other again. Not much has changed has it? I wonder why we stopped hanging out in the first place
1/15/06

Another couple days have past and my computer is even less reliable now. I really need to get a new laptop. But thatll have to come after I get my real bed, and pay off my bills. Its like 8 in the am right now, and I cant sleep, so Im sitting on my couch, listening to Deathcab, and hoping to figure out whats wrong.
Ive been calling my new bedroom the insanity room lately, because its a vibrant red and it seems that almost every night Ive slept there Ive had horrible nightmares. Kyle says hes fine, so its gotta be just me in my insanity room. So thats why Im not sleeping right now, I had another bad dream where some jerk was trying to rape and kill me. And some other horrors far to personal for me to write here. But what I keep

thinking, is I always have nightmares for a reason, so something must be wrong inside and I dont know why. I feel good on the outside, really good actually, so why do I feel so bad inside? Maybe because I miss Les, and I really enjoy having Kyle around. But there are these things about Kyle that made me start reevaluating the relationship we dont have.
Last night was an unbelieveable show by the way, The Casual Lean was insanely good, and it was worth quitting work for. Im so happy I went. It was fun, even though Justin hit me in the nose.. But while we were getting drinks at the bar, I see Kyle attempt to go out for his third cigarette while we were at the show, and he wanted to go smoke with Jesse, but I said no. It hurt him that I said he couldnt , but Im so sick of being with people who claim theyll stop smoking for me, and never do. So I can be a bit of a bitch. He gets upset and we get into a very serious discussion about the possibility of us deciding not to be boyfriend and girlfriend in the future. Before this, we had talked about maybe trying to date and see how it goes, but now Im not so sure. Not that I dont like the boy an awful lot, but there are problems. Hes a great guy, hes very giving and dedicated. He is a very loving person who gives me the kind of affection I need, when I need it. We can have some really good days together, and I really do think if we had more time, things might work out eventually. But heres whats had me worried. There are certain things I need from a person, and certain things I cant tolerate. I dont think I can tolerate his vices. I need to really like the boy for who he is, all the way through. And I cant say I like him smoking cigarettes, and having dependencies. A lot of people whove let me down in life are substance reliant, and I just dont want that anymore. I need someone who can take care of me sometimes..