Some days have no end.
Last night was the last time i slept in my comfortable and familiar apartment in N.Dartmouth. I woke at 9 and hauled ass all day to get my worthless and trivial crap into my new apartment. A new apartment with an olive green toilet that appeared to be from the late sixties sitting in the middle of my new bedroom. So sad to see it sitting there, preventing me from moving tonight and finally being able to relax. To put it simply, moving sucks. I loaded box after box of all my stupid stuff into my little 2 door honda civic. Did i mention the trunck leaks and all my boxes have wet bottoms now? I didn't get a chance to eat anything until 10 pm, and i think this is the most stressed out i've been since I made Scott leave.
On my last trip to the new place, i lugged all this old Christmas stuff up some stairs and it got me thinking. People are just carrying all this baggage all the time. What an extra pain in my ass, having to escort this wrapping paper up and down stairs, in and out of car trunks just to save a couple bucks at Christmas time? We learn not to waste things, but that just leads to other problems down the line. We buy too much pointless crap. Maybe 4 boxes were my personal belongings, mostly books, cds and dvds, and what is the rest??? It's 15 ugly towels i never even wanted weighing down my linen closet. It's everything you collect to fill your home. Not art, not decorations, but meaningless things that clutter. All the small things that find their way into tiny creavaces of each room. nails, tacks, pennies, rubber bands and twisty ties.
Ugh, it makes me crazy, and sad too. Sad because i'm leaving my first apartment, and i'm being forced to grow up in another way. I'm leaving the place where i was happy at one point. And we were happy, all three of us. We were a small family of sorts, riddled with problems, but whos isn't? I knew both of you so well, and slowly i let you both go. Slowly i demanded you both leave. Had to make so many tough decisions, and i had to give up everything i worked for, everything i had accomplished, just to start over. I'm not saying what i've accomplished was much, but it had a certain significance to me. I have been working for over a year now to live in a great apartment, to live a life i thought i needed. When i started out a year ago, i was pulling my own weight, working long hours to pay rent, bills, and a little money left over for sanity's sake. But slowly the money stopped comming in,and i had to start selling things just to make my rent. I used to collect these really expensive dolls, and when things went well i bought another. They cost me around $500-$800 ea. When things got tough, one by one i sold them all. So all of my time and money was invested into this apartment, this life. And within the past few months, it's all been falling apart. it's a crazy blow to my ego.
I guess i'm ready to start all over again and iron things out. I start training Jan 9th for my new job. Now if i can only survive the holidays. I know i bitch and moan alot, but i have to say, i still feel pretty good. The thought of having my christmas tree up in the new place and having hot chocolate (of the marshmellow persuasion) is making it worth it. I just can't wait to get back to normal.
So it's friday, and i finally finished packing all that crap, and hauling it out of my house. I was a whopping hour and a half late to work, and i didn't get a chance to eat again!! My new landlord was nice enough to let me borrow his truck, and it was my first time ever driving one. Unless you count the time that Sean tried to teach me how to drive standard in his. The couch had to be hoisted onto the roof to fit into the apartment, it was a huge ordeal. I've had this horrible stressed feeling for a couple days now. It makes me act a little crazy, repeating myself or completely forgetting what i was saying in the first place. This feeling also seems to seep into my neck and back muscles and stay there. It won't let me sleep when something needs to get done. i keep waking up with all these thoughts in my head, stuff i have no control over. The worst part was that my old lanlord got pissed at me, saying the house wasn't clean and i was negligent. that hurt the most, i try to keep a clean home, but this past month it's been just me there, and noone to clean up. i did my best, but i had a crazy deadline, and i couldn't get to it. She really ripped me a new one. So now i have to pay for a cleaning service
. I cried pretty bad as i drove the couches back to the new place. I've been running ragged for days now, and each day i keep telling myself that it'll end the next day. Tomorrow will be better. But it hasn't gotten better yet. After such a hard time, i had to go into work. But i have to say this, i am such a lucky person to have friends like Toby around.
Toby is a friend of mine i actually met at work. He's a really giving guy who'll do anything to help you out. He almost single handedly moved all of my stuff, asking nothing in return. My brother George demanded $20 for his menial help in moving the rest. So i guess i am really lucky to have people that'll give up sleep and plans to help me move. He even brought me cookies to work because i hadn't eaten anything. how sweet he is!
After work Scott and I ran over to the New Wave Cafe to check out a friend's band called Barycoise Orchestra. It was a truly good time. i had a couple drinks, a veggie burger, and my first jello shot. They were actually really good, and alot of fun to watch. I just can't get over music sometimes, it can make you feel something. And i want to feel. What a great time, and it really helped me unwind. I am pretty anxiously awaiting bed though. So i'll end it here, and say that bad things will always have a way of working out, if you work at it hard enough.
Dirty Dishes and Dirty thoughts for December
Spending time home alone is slowly killing me. I cant wait to get a dog. I just need something to give that love to. But you know, Im trying to look at this whole experience as a way to gain back that part of myself I lost to my relationships. Theres certainly enough time to do whatever I want here. Too much time sometimes, I find myself sleeping a lot, just trying to wear down the hours. Put a dent in the endless cycle of depression and self loathing. I just dont feel good enough yet to get completely back to normal. Not feeling well enough to take pride in eating good food, or excersizing properly. Theres not enough energy left inside to go through the motions of normal life. The dishes sit in my sink, and I havent finished putting my crap away. I stayed at the last place for over a year, and I still feel like I hardly had time to unpack before everything had to go back in boxes. So I get worried, and cant help but think that Ill be leaving this place soon too.
At least having a new place is pretty great. A nice, clean place to do whatever in. It's kinda like how i always thought having a tree house would be. Always wanted one, so i used to make houses out of large boxes when i was younger. I'd get really into it and make the perfect home. I had a belltower with working bell, and art on my walls. Curtains too. I was a strange little kid.
Just got a horrible phonecall from Sean a couple nights ago. He woke me up, and i picked up the phone. He starts saying how everything with the last apartment was my fault, and that he's on the landlord's side. He then says i have to stop playing the victim card. Says i've been "down" for seven months now, and he won't deal with it. Says the reason i'm always down, is because i make poor financial and personal decisions. Tells me i need to get my life together. Tells me we can't be friends. All i could think was Fuck You. But, i can never say these things. I was so angry i started shaking, and couldn't say anything, when i did, i found myself yelling. Fucking Asshole.
So i call Scott and Toby while i'm crying. Tell them all the things Sean said to me, and they made me feel so much better. It seems like everyone is telling me "It'll be better tomorrow" but it never seems to get better.