roxxee

Thanks so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It was nice logging in and seeing all those there.

Moving along, I have used my mad photoshop skillz ( I said skillZ people) to create a rad picture for the amazing

Nightmareheretic aka Theo aka Grumpy Bear. Behold my genius:


I am talented, that is all.

It was his birthday yesterday and I felt he needed something awesome. The man loves me, he must. We are celebrating our birthdays together when he gets back from training. Oh yes, it shall be suprmeme birthday fun. I can't wait.

On to the poetry...

Oh it's the deepest of blue that I fall into when I am sleeping and my mind at rest but I see these reflections and they haunt me like a whisper of your fleeting touch. Otherworldly whispers; I can hear what you are saying but it's a million miles away and I am asleep at the wheel. I am drifting in this. I am salt in your wounds. You say I am suicide. You cry I am the sweetest kind. I want to play these songs until they disolve and become fluid, until they sparkle like dew and I can see them dance in the early morning light with you sleeping still beside me.

In other news I wrote a letter to my Mama the other day and I think it'll be like a punch in the throat for her. I hope not but that's price of strained relations and reconciliation. Honesty hurts sometimes. I just let it lie anymore. I think I'll post it here. It's something I'm proud of having written after all these years and I've made a habit of baring all of myself here anyway.

This is a re-post from a group here on SG.

Obscure references I know. David was a close friend since childhood of my mother and her brother who lived in Milan, he was a makeup artist for Vogue and became ill after he contracted AIDS. He returned home to make ammends with his parents and die and he lived with us.

Dear Mama,

I wanted to tell thatI want to tell you so many things but so much has happened with me and with you I dont know where to begin. Being here has made me feel isolated in a way, a person without a family. I know thats not the case but its the way it feels. Honestly you were the person I always wanted to talk to when things went badly or I had some new and exciting news but your life has always been so full of other things and other people that I never felt I had a big place there. I know Im most likely wrong about that but its how Ive felt all of my life. Im writing this to get all that out and I hope when you get out of that place we can start over and I can have a Mom. If you arent in a mental position to read this, please dont until you are.
When I was a little girl and living with Grandma, going to see you was so amazing because you were so amazing. You were blonde and beautiful and smart and cultured and everything I ever wanted to grow up to be. When I came to live with you it was the same, I wanted to be just like you. You always stood apart and thats what I want(ed) for myself. When David came to be with us II dont know if I can talk about that actually. I loved him Mom. He made me feel special and pretty at a time in my life when, lets face it, I was pretty awkward. I dont know if you know it but that year was one of the best and worst of my life. Best because David was there and he was so glamorous and I got just the tiniest bit of him and took it in to me. Worst because that was the year I really began to loathe myself.
I had gained weight and my hair was short and I had zits, yes adolescent inevitabilities, but they cut. I know you meant well but your jabs at my weight stayed with me all my life. They still do. Thats when it all started. I have been told I have an unhealthy fixation with my body and I am beginning to believe its true. I cant tell you how hard it is to look in the mirror most days Mother, I am never satisfied. Never. I dont think I ever will be. I want to be perfect and its killing me to try. (I am NOT saying all this is your fault, Im just telling you whats in my head and what Im really about. I took insecurity and ran with it.) I will do anything to be beautiful and I know that isnt healthy but I cant help it anymore.
The truth is that world is a cold cruel place that will take your flaws and use them against you and I know that now. Not to say there isnt beauty, there is so much of that. My beautiful children, the man I love, still, cold mornings, lotus flowers, long talks with friends. I know of the good things too.
When I came back from Dads I was a wreck and I know you wanted me to put it all behind me and believe me I wanted to bury it so deep it would never come back up. I want to forget, I want make go away, I want to kill it. But I cant, I never could but what I did do was hide it away and with it, feeling anything at all. I was dead inside. When David died, Mom, I felt next to nothing. I mourned but not really. It wasnt until later, when all the feeling came back that I mourned him and it was a wave for me. It was crushing. I know that time was hard for you, I know it killed you to see that happening to him. I remember sitting by his bed one day, in his final days, and asked him if he thought I would ever see him again and he said Youll see me skipping up and down those pearly streets. That line still makes me smile, it immortalized him in my mind. I dont really know if I meant anything to him but he meant the world to me then.
I love you Mom and Ive needed you so much in my life. All I ever wanted was to be pretty in your eyes, smart enough, good enough. I never have. Im coming up on my 27th birthday and I cant comprehend where a huge portion of my life went. All I can do now is make a new one. But old habits die hard and some get worse. My drive to be perfect is growing all the time, and its a beast I cant contain.
I just wanted to you to know these things about me. Call it a confession.
I hate that addiction and lovers ruled your life. I hate that you let all that rule mine. I hate that I took care of you when I was a girl and alone and I needed you to take care of me. I hate that you became what you did. I hate that you went from my amazing beautiful (if untouchable) mother to living on the street and doing that poison. I hate that you let that awful woman break you down and that you lived in that horrible dirty house and that you let her hit you. I hate that I was embarrassed of you for the first time in my life. What happened? I dont know Mother. But none of us is better than the other and I believe that. I hate these things but I dont hate you. I could never hate you. You have always been my shining star.

Ill write more later. Know I love you. Know this is just the beginning. Know I want us to have a second chance. Know that you are still beautiful to me. Know that I believe in you.

************

There you have it. Have a good weekend everyone.

xoxo,
Bunni