Wow.
My life REALLY should be made into a docudrama.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
So the boy and I finally came to *verbal* blows over our crumbling relationship. I would clearly state that the reason we are currently having all the problems is strictly because he's been trying to establish his own auto mechanic business and therefore has not had a legit job since August (AKA no $$$). Around this time he and I made the leap and moved into a expensive apartment together. Despite my concern about upcoming seasonal hour cut backs at my job, he assured me that he'd be able to pick up any part of rent that I didn't have covered, and I signed that lease.
Fast forward to December. We've been living off of my student loans and I've become super bitter about me having to pay for everything. I hate to admit it, but I'm used to being spoiled and pretty much having my shit paid for. Either way, I regard 'true love' very highly and so I was supportive of his entrepreneurship for months and I do love him. HOWEVER, I can't live off love alone and being evicted is looming over my head as a real thing if I (hopefully with his help!) can't conjure up rent after January. Out of this predicament came the ultimatum: Have a job by the end of December or at least go on 3 interviews OR I'm outty.
So naturally, we've been fighting. In addition to this story, my life has been complicated by this side story:
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
As most of you know, I recently applied and gained (very short-term) employment at a local casino. Apparently when the boy toy told his mom that I was applying to be a cocktail waitress at the casino, she heard that I was applying to be a
stripper? This was followed by her campaign to split the two of us up.
Let me riddle you this however; if I had really been supporting her son for the past 4 months with my stripping career, is her insistence to have him leave me and move back home legit? How judgmental is that! I work, I am finishing my BA at a credible university, I'm good at managing my money. What more do you need me to be?! Their family isn't perfect. For Christ's sake my boyfriend is this close >< to filing for bankruptcy! I asked my boyfriend to call and ask for financial help from them since my parents have been having to help us out. I mean, I literally can't afford food. Food bank anyone? And instead of giving us help, he gets that? SO after about a week of fighting and not knowing if we were going to work this out or split, he and I agree to try to work things out. So he calls his mom to tell her that we're going to be together and she needs to be nice to me regardless. That's when it comes out that I'm not a stripper and she apologizes and now I"m supposed to be fine with his family. Well I say fuck that.
ALSO-- despite being supportive of my modeling in the beginning. BF has decided that be being naked and shooting with photographers is not okay with him. So I stopped shooting. He okay'd me shooting with my close friend that actually shot my debut set. However, every time I go to shoot, he throws a mini-fit and so I started hiding it. Now, he's asking me to take ALL of my modeling photos off my Myspace AND to take down my profile on here. His argument is that even though I said initially that I would be okay with him eating meat, I changed and forbid him from bringing home bacon and hunting. EVER. So, it's only fair that when he changed his feelings about me modeling, that I oblige him over that like he has done for me with the meat. I also say fuck that.
Long story short, is that I can't be changed. I don't want to be 'presentable' or 'proper.' I like getting too tossed and dancing on the tables. I like shocking people with my nudity and vulgar mouth. I like pissing people off with my bluntness. This is who I am. Not to be like a little kid, but I really think that this is unfair. I think asking me to take that down and to stop modeling is like asking me not to be me. I feel like I'm not allowed to be sexy.
Like I said before-- I DO love him. However, right now I"m trying to focus on being okay with our relationship going either way: with us staying together or breaking up. I believe in a basic psychology principle called, "Object of least interest" In this principle the take away message is that those that are least emotionally invested in the relationship command the most power. Plus, I don't want to be stuck in a relationship even if I do love the guy. Fuck.
Here are some of my goals just in case 
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
1. Move to Phoenix after graduation. (However, Vegas is still on the table!)
2. Shoot more!
3. Begin a mock sorority. I think Thi Zeta Suicide. This of course requires a few things to fall into place: Finding a huge mansion, recruiting Suicide-Girl-esque pledges, and having a TON of bikini car wash fundraisers. I'm hoping to pitch the concept to the creators of the Bad Girls Club and get a hit show out of it too.
4. My last one is too hot to list. But trust, it's a good one
Phew, I feel better. I'm going to go hit the showers. Peace!
(and I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!)
