Bernard Black – Black Books
Bernard may come across like a grumpy old fart, but really, it’s just because he’s hungover all the time. He’s the world’s worst businessman and literally seems to scare clients off with his dishevelled look, his tousled black hair and his genuinely apathetic expression. Those who really know him however, understand that you just need to see Bernard as a big, drunken child. He’s incompetent when it comes to things like book-keeping, household chores and even personal hygiene; that’s why he has his trusted babysitter/shop assistant Manny to take care of all the boring stuff. He’s not big on showing his appreciation and tends to treat Manny like a bit of an imbecile, but on rare occasions he lets a special kind of vulnerability and thankfulness seep through his otherwise trollied and stony exterior. His best friend Fran seems to think she knows how to handle Bernard; in reality, she’s probably just as bad as him.
I wouldn’t advise working for the guy, let alone living with him, but if you’re looking for someone to get hammered with this Christmas, Bernard Black is your man. Offer him a comfortable couch, a cellar full of wine and a life-time supply of smokes and he’s good to go. At this point you’ll be able to talk him into anything, like writing a children’s book or betting on horses. He drinks like a fish and will down pretty much anything you’ll pass his way, but in recent years he’s discovered that the older the wine is, the gooder it is. If you’d prefer to see Bernard in action, just take him down to your local pub. Within no time he’ll be unsteadily on his feet, charming the pants off of the crowd with his killer line, Which one of you Bitches wants to dance?
If you want to make your Christmas Day interesting, how about watching some old reruns of Black Books and see whether you can keep up with Bernard? Just remember: he’s Irish; this could end up being a dangerous drinking game for the untrained gut. While you sit around making unrealistic New Year’s resolutions, Bernard will take his time to reflect on another year gone by:
Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think…you know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of corner-shop piss at 3AM, you do sometimes look at yourself and think…”This is fantastic. I’m in Heaven.”
- Bernard Black
Marcy Runkle – Californication
I kiss the ground this little firecracker walks on. Marcy Runkle is sexy, outspoken, feisty and hilarious. She’s a loyal wife who puts up with her husband Charlie’s shit even though she’s not getting anything out of it in the bedroom department. When he cheats on her with his offices’ Suicide Girl Dani, she tries to save their relationship by inviting her over for a threesome that goes notoriously wrong. Even when her life has been turned upside down thanks to the sweet little Goth nutjob who “knows things”, a fast, long-lasting dance with cocaine, an intruding porn star and her husband’s public masturbation, Marcy knows one thing for sure: You either cry like a bitch, or you smack like a bitch, and she has opted for the latter. When she’s not bleaching hairy tacos and walking in on Charlie getting “hit with another woman’s ejaculate”, she can usually be found hanging out with Karen, trashing men and life’s other bullshit.
Unlike Karen, who constantly let’s herself be sucked back into the pity-party that is Hank Moody, Marcy knows how to stand her ground. Her colourful, genital, street-style vocabulary drives many a point home; she’s not afraid to hit you where it really hurts and her husband knows all about it. After having put up with his twisted and depraved shit for a little too long, she feels she’s got free range to insult Charlie and his member, even though she’s already moved on to a new guy who’s hung like a hog. You’ve just gotta admire the woman – she may be the size of a Smurf, but she really knows how to hold her own.
As far as traditions go, Boxing Day is for lounging out on the couch in your PJs all day eating mince pies, left-overs and getting pleasantly pissed/baked. Marcy would be the perfect companion for this; smoke a doobie with her and you’ll spend your evening giggling like school girls next to the sparkling tree. If you rather reserve her for a legendary New Year’s Eve, I guarantee you: She’s ready….
“I think we should go out there and fuck all the people we never fucked. Let’s just rock out with our cocks out! Carpe motherfucking diem, baby!”
- Marcy Runkle
Nate Fisher – Six Feet Under
OK, a funeral director maybe not seem like your first choice in terms of finding the perfect party buddy, but hear me out, because Nate’s not your typical funeral director. Before Nate was forced to come back home to take over the family business following his father’s death, he was a bit of a hippy. Not the long-haired, peace-preaching kind that is always clad in tie-dye rags, but the professional kind who works for an all organic juice company and voluntarily eats granola bars and soy meat loaf. He’s miserable about having to take on the funeral business and feels like he has no more say in his life. Fortunately, he meets the intense but free-spirited Brenda who stops him from losing his sense of self completely.
Together they enjoy evenings of lazing around at Brenda’s, listening to music, getting high, having a few glasses of wine. Even when he accidentally pops an E thinking it’s Aspirin, Nate is unfazed and happy to embrace the experience – even though he is experiencing it at the family dinner table. E might be bad for you, especially when being surrounded by your entire family – some members of which are rather old school and uptight. But hey, Nate doesn’t care, because everything’s bad for something, so he might as well enjoy it while it lasts right? He might complain a lot, but when it really comes down to it, he has a c’est la vie attitude to life. Even when shit is at its worst, he knows how to keep his sense of humour: “Oh, it’s great…great. My father’s dead, my mom’s a whore, my brother wants to kill me, and my sister’s smoking crack. I think I win.” As a direct result of his involuntary profession and the things he’s seen in life, he has adopted a great philosophy: “You only get one life. There’s no God, no rules, except for those you accept and create for yourself. Then once it’s over….it’s over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you’re here?”
If your perfect Christmas consists of laying around on the floor, picking up on the vibration of the music spilling from the speakers whilst smoking jibbas and nibbling on delicious snacks, you should definitely invite Nate. He’s the kind of guy who enjoys talking into the wee hours of the morning and never fails to inspire with his wise observations…
“[…]Everything in the world is like this transmission, making its way across the dark. But everything – death, life, everything – it's all completely suffused with static. You know? But if you listen to the static too much, it fucks you up.”
- Nate Fisher
Sue White – Green Wing
If you want to get really crazy over the Christmas holidays, get in touch with Sue White if you think you can handle it. When I say “get crazy”, I don’t mean going to a club wearing a ridiculously skimpy outfit, getting sloshed and twerking kind of crazy; a night with Sue will turn into a ludicrous adventure, far from anything you had ever imagined. Chatting up guys at the pub might get a bit tricky with Sue around, especially when she insists on speaking “crow language” or asks your potential date for the night whether she can have a whiff of his intoxicating trouser fragrance. She’s not exactly big on the socializing aspects of human relationships and believes much more in intimidating and humiliating her friends and colleagues. She has little to no regard for other people’s feelings and circumstances; she may insist that her role as a liaison officer requires her to soothe, to bathe, to listen to the worker’s woes, but in her case that’s simply not true.
If Sue were just a tad more normal, she’d have no problem attracting men. She’s confident and sexy in her own weirdo way. With a full head of voluminous hair, she knows how to work her womanly wiles and uses her “squirrel” (ponytail) in her seduction strategies – just not on the right men. She is completely and utterly obsessed with the young surgeon Mac and goes out of her way trying to break up any romance he might have on the go. When he falls into a coma, she even manages to get herself pregnant by giving him a quick job under the covers and using his semen to inseminate herself with. Fortunately for Mac, Sue gives birth to a lion. This doesn’t stop her from trying to impress him with handstands and camel-riding though, so in the end, Mac has to resort to having a restraining order filed against her. But hey, I’m sure Sue will find someone mad enough to tend to her schideways schmile one day. I promise she won’t shame you or lock you away like a boarding school boy for tampering with your down-belows.
…..And this is what Sue’s like when she’s sober. Can you imagine what she’s like when she’s proper pished? Oh, I know I’d love to find out!
“Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the rest were rhetorical."
- Sue White
