rowly

It's been a while since I posted in here. Not that it really matters. It's only to pander to my own ego afterall. I'm sure if I made more 'on-site' friends it would be read and comments would follow. The trouble is, the making friends.

I'm always uncomfortable making that initial contact. Get me talking to anyone and I can talk to them about anything and everything. The issue is making that first contact and starting to talk, especially with girls that I like.

Which brings me to the true 'emo' part of this post. Philippa, my ex-girlfriend. The first love, the love of my life who dumped me for her ex-boyfriend Tim. I got to know him, no ill will towards him anymore. Infact, once I was jealous of him, being with her and all. Now I'm sorry for him. She was never the faithful type, although when with me she apparently was. Only she knows the real truth there. So she's cheated on Tim repeatedly. With guys and girls, even me. Yet that makes me feel even worse. I should be happy that the life of the guy who stole my dream is now shattered right? Well not really. Oh I couldn't care less how me feels. He never minded causing my heart to break. No, I'm still hurting as the guy who was better than me was treated like shit. So if he's better than me, that makes me worse that shit right?

Occurding to Philippa no, not at all. She's always cared more for me than anyone else in her life, she says. She says that she's never considered me an ex as we remained so close. Am I wrong to see that as she never once saw me as a boyfriend too? Perhaps I'm wrapped up in my own self-loathing and depression to see what she really means. She's too naieve to tell me what she means, "I don't know what I mean but I know how I feel but I can't describe it" I'm always told.

Then she goes and gets herself a girlfriend. I've seen this new girl, forgive my bluntness, but I'm more feminine than her. The photo I saw, well it looked like Philippa was cuddling a man until I noticed the blue 'thing' on the left of the photo had breasts. Not really her type, she even says so herself. Then I just ask, "Then why the hell are you fucking her?"

Hell, here's hoping the weekend that I should be spending with Gretel in London should brighten things up. I doubt it, not because of the company, she's great, I love being around her. I just have this feeling that nothing good is going to happen to me for a long time yet. Being passed over for promotion again didn't really set the week off to a flying start....