rottenart

i am coming to the realization that the best thing i had going for me in recent years is gone now. i can only look back on it and remember fondly what it was. i think the whole reason i've been depressed lately is because with that nostalgia comes pangs of guilt and regret.

many, many people more eloquent than i have written about love lost. i guess my only addition is that it's a lot tougher to deal with when you are the agent of your own demise.

three years. three years of false promises, shitty accusations, break-ups (once again, all from my end), and horrible attitudes. these are the rememberances of a person who is physically ill with himself over the way he's been. perhaps i've learned nothing from those three years. perhaps every person i meet who could be the answer to my dreams i'll push away and belittle and treat like so much dirt while i only consider myself. that would be a bit sad, eh?

the thing is, i miss her. terribly. food doesn't taste good, drinking only serves as a stand-in for emotion. i can barely even work. i think about the miles between us and the future ahead of her and i hate myself for what i both did and didn't do. i have a life that isn't easy and has only gotten harder over the past ten years. she was the one who stuck by me and told me it would be ok. she was the one who tried to be what was needed in the desperately fucked-up situation. i was the one who didn't care.

i acted like an ass. i pined after other girls. i treated her horrifically, even on days where she should have been queen. i denegrated her when she was sick and i ignored her when she was well. i wrote her to tell her how much i loved her and how much i cared for her only to turn around and take it all back when the moment suited me. i don't know what sort of punishment that rates but it's surely somewhere just below stoning to death.

you all might think this is a plea for pity or a ploy for attention. in fact it may just be. but the truth of the matter is that the internet is a magical place where things like this usually get lost in the shuffle. i know i can leave a comment like this with relative impunity and no one will be the worse for wear. plus, it's a lot less bleak than my first drunken take on the subject.

in conclusion, i just want to speak directly to you. you. you were everything to me and i didn't even know it. you did more for my well-being than you ever did for yours and that is the most kind thing that one can do. you were happy to cater to my flaws and put up with my selfish and angry moods and you were strong enough to take it all in stride. perhaps one day i'll meet someone else who is capable of so much selflessness. i don't quite know how that would be possible.

i know you are happier now than you have probably ever been. it is difficult for me to deal with and i hate to keep harping on it because it's really counter-productive to the situation. i am so sorry for everything. you can tell me a hundred thousand times that you share the blame but i will most likely never believe it. i know what i did to you. you are an amazing person and it kills me that i threw all of that away. even if we never speak again, i want you to know that i love you more than anyone else i've ever met and i always will.

have a good weekend.