rottenart

what do you do when you seal your own fate?

what penance do you pay when you crucified yourself?

there's no reason for me to be this unhinged. i did everything that's happening to me. good and bad. i fucked it up and pretended it was the thing to do.

what do you do when you do it to yourself?

i paint.

i pretend.

i say the words and i get the standard response. the one i made for myself. the one that i've been giving for all these years. i have no shame.

i want to go back.

back to the times when i knew what was happening. when i knew what was wrong and when i did it anyway.

i can't eat.

i can't sleep.

i can't even feel sorry for myself because there's no reason for me to do it.

there's always something better.

do unto others as you do unto you.

that's the name of the game. that's what's got me in the place i'm in. i just want to do everything over.

i have loved and i have lost. not neccessarily in that order.

fuck it.

why am i complaining?

i have everything i need, right?

i have everything i want...

that's when it hits me...

i did it.

i fucked it up.

i fucked it all up.

i love you.

you know who you are.

and...

i'm sorry.

this is not the same ol', same ol'...

this is the last gasp of someone who knows how much there is to lose and who rolls anyway. who yells and screams and doesn't care.

i'm deep in it.

i'm deep in the shit.

fuck.

fuck.

fuck..
fuck..

fuck.

i fucked it up.