i dont know why i cared so much. i dont know why i wanted it so badly. too perfect for it to work out how i wanted it to.
murphys law, once again at my feet.
just out of my reach. slipped though my fingertips. i think i missed my chance. if im paitent, it might work out. but i dont want to be lonely anymore. i want to have that feeling again. i want to know someone is there for me no matter what. and for me to be there for someone. to feel safe again with someone.
to feel loved.. wanted... desired.. to be...
is that asking too much..?
==
if only i knew why he wont leave me alone. i wish i had a place where i could feel safe. youd think your own house would be good enough. but no matter how many times i move, he always finds me.
scared.. wondering if tonight will be like the others. scared to go home. scared to be home. scared to fall asleep. because i cant even get away in my dreams. its like hes always there, watching my every move.. and as soon as something good comes along for me, he squashes it before it can even happen.
i hate this. and i want it to stop. but i think its much too late.
i hate running away... with nowhere to go who wants me there. but thats all i can do, unless its too late to run. then its the hard part. hopefully mask the pain so nobody catches on. hide the marks. hide the bruises and the cuts.
i dont know if i can go on like this..
pretending to be something im not.
and i hate myself for it.. because that means i became what i hate most about others.
but did i become? or have i always? do i even know..?
i just dont know anymore.
murphys law, once again at my feet.
just out of my reach. slipped though my fingertips. i think i missed my chance. if im paitent, it might work out. but i dont want to be lonely anymore. i want to have that feeling again. i want to know someone is there for me no matter what. and for me to be there for someone. to feel safe again with someone.
to feel loved.. wanted... desired.. to be...
is that asking too much..?
==
if only i knew why he wont leave me alone. i wish i had a place where i could feel safe. youd think your own house would be good enough. but no matter how many times i move, he always finds me.
scared.. wondering if tonight will be like the others. scared to go home. scared to be home. scared to fall asleep. because i cant even get away in my dreams. its like hes always there, watching my every move.. and as soon as something good comes along for me, he squashes it before it can even happen.
i hate this. and i want it to stop. but i think its much too late.
i hate running away... with nowhere to go who wants me there. but thats all i can do, unless its too late to run. then its the hard part. hopefully mask the pain so nobody catches on. hide the marks. hide the bruises and the cuts.
i dont know if i can go on like this..
pretending to be something im not.
and i hate myself for it.. because that means i became what i hate most about others.
but did i become? or have i always? do i even know..?
i just dont know anymore.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
conan3rd:
Sorry to hear about all that, I just wanted to say thanks for wishing me a happy birthday.
paine:
Of course you're not asking too much...you deserve all of that good stuff and more. I wish I could do more than just send cyberhugs and such, but know that I'm thinking of you. 