rorie

something is wrong with me..
[other than being sick. oh - dont worry, no more blood. just phlem.. flem.. ? (whatever.) so no doctor visits for me. ]
i feel the need to flea after a point in time. for no reason at all. i dont understand why.
why cant i just let myself be happy?
why do i feel the need to run away? when theres nothing for me to run from..? i should be happy.. cause really, theres really no reason for me not to be. but i just cant seem to get there.
i really thought i was making progress too... but everytime i get a step forward, i seem to fall back a few. all the walls i built up, and pinning me in. and i cant seem to get out. i didnt think the problems were so deeply rooted. i guess they are, because i cant drop them.. i cant move on.. im trapped in my head.. i could be fine for a few days, but the next.. im spinning out of control.
it makes me want to cry.. and try to climb out of my own skin.
how do you reform youself, if your cant seem to let go? if the monsters dont leave you alone? i get rid of one, and three more appear.
i cant go on...
i didnt think it was possible to be stuck like this.
and i cant even talk to him about this, because i dont think he would understand. everytime i try.. i open my mouth, and nothing comes out.
i just want to run away from it all.. leave and not come back. start over. try to be a completly different person.
but i know if i do, ill be even worse than i was at the begining.
stuck.
lost.
helpless.