rook

So I'm watching the first SG Tour DVD for the first time in ages.

I put it on to have something playing while I did something else and I wasn't intending to pay it much mind. But it had me pretty engrossed within a few seconds.

Strangely though, it also got me feeling nostalgic. Which is something I never thought I'd feel about anything SG. I mean, I'm still here right?

Then I realised I'm not really here...not like I used to be. I used to eat, breathe and shit SuicideGirls. The site gave me a sense of self I never had before. At one point I was dating a SuicideGirl and, when I wasn't hanging with local SGers, I was hanging out here on the site. It was my main source of connection, entertainment and self-expression. This shit was my life.

But I've drifted away over the last few months (years?). And I think there's a strong connection between that and some serious personal issues I've been struggling with lately.

I'm not saying SG is my lifeline, or my heroine or anything. But I think the self-awareness I had though my identification with the site (and it's related people/events/attitudes) has faded. I think my drifting away from SG is a symptom of that slide away from self-awareness and self-acceptance.

And in thinking this, I've started to think that, right now, maybe I'm not being me. Not the real me. I'm all serious and focussed and looking ahead now...but I've always been an in-the-moment, fuck-the-future kind of guy.

So, for what it's worth, I'm going to see how re-immersing myself in this culture affects me. See if I start to get back in touch with the old me a bit. Wish me luck and see ya'll around!

Oh oh, shhhhh...Nixon's section just started!!