Musings of a broken heart
I dreamt of her the other night. Although it's been years since we were together I can see her face and feel her touch as if it were yesterday. I try not to let the pain sink back in, but some people leave an impression on your soul and the feelings associated with them fade slowly if they fade at all. I know I should forget her and let go of the pain, but I would be letting go of the joy she gave me too. Joy is not a feeling I get to experience often. She was my first in almost everything. She was the first to give me a chance, my first kiss, my first snuggle, my first sexual experience. I made the mistake of letting myself feel to much too fast. She wasn't the monogamous type and I knew that before our first date. I didn't care because I didn't think it would get past the first date; I just wanted to see where it was going. I truly didn't expect multiple dates though; if you can call meeting up at her place every once in a while to mess around dates. I wanted her and for the first time I thought I found someone that wanted me, and for a while I believe she did: she may have even cared about me a bit, but my inexperience mixed with the long distance, as well as the fact that because she had trouble trusting, lead to the end and my heart being obliterated. I try to put on a good face and push down the pain and for the most part I am successful, however once in a while something happens and brings up all the old feelings again; in this instance it was a dream. I know that it is over and there will be no being friends and no more talking, but I still care and want to know she is okay and doesn't think I'm just another jerk that hurt her. Hurting someone I care about is the last thing I ever want to do. I would be lying if I said it was just that. I'm also afraid that I'll never get a chance with anyone again; afraid that even if by some miracle I could find some else to give me a chance, I'd unintentionally mess things up again.
Perhaps I'll be able to one day get beyond my feelings of insecurity and open up ad try to find someone willing to give me that chance again, or maybe the universe gave me my one shot. Only time will tell. Until then I soldier on and keep suppressing how I really feel. Okay, that's about all the venting I'm going to do for tonight. Until next time I have something to say. Peace out peeps.
