Busqueda De Las Piezas Del Pasado
When things fall apart you search madly for the pieces. And go even more mad trying to sort and assemble them into something resembling their former shape. You remember a time when social situations came fairly easy. When you could stand in a crowd and not feel enclosed. I remember these times. Sort of. It's difficult to recall if I was sober or not. The years blend together like paints...and form their own abstract design. I remember twelve years old better then I remember thirty-two. Good times, bad times. Bad times, worse times. Those last two are the ones that went by the fastest. So rapidly that all of the sudden I was forty years old, an alcoholic, an addict, homeless and suicidal. And have since made one hell of an effort to put back together the pieces that were found. Some I'll get back. Some have vanished forever. My mind will most likely take up to two years to heal itself. And pull some things that are needed back into its fold. The rest will rise with the winds...and disappear like smoke. And a part of me wonders what those parts will be. I've no control over this of course. So I wait. I do what needs to be done. Maintain a routine that absolves boredom. And one day at a time is the phrase of each and every day I awake and draw a breath. I hope the words I so easily spoke when tweaked, drunk and high, are the same ones that have been there all along. Waiting to be released without the chemical courage. And I hope they are the ones I'm able to recite...when I'm ready to face my life on its own terms. Recite when and if someone happens along. I'm still lonely. I'm still socially shy. Disconcertingly so. But now I'm also sane enough to know that as long as I do right, right things will happen. That instant gratification, that character defect is being released. As I retrain my mind...as I finally approach the end of the search for my soul. You crazy kids have a good night...a good day...a good evening. Maybe next time I'll continue the steps. Who knows. Sometimes I just like to sit and write. And hope that whatever I commit to when I hit that post button, makes enough sense to bring a smile to at least one face. Bye now....