Whoa! This had to be the craziest and busiest week I have ever had to endure...guess the key thing is that I survived it...At some point midway through the week I was just shaking my head; it was Wednesday morning and I had already logged 22 hours in the lab...it would be fine if that was my full-time job, i.e. if I was a grad student or beyond, but I am still an undergrad (final year) which means I can't just spend all my time in lab. I am a Teaching Assistant, and I have full-time classes, of course. When I get only 20 to 30 hours of sleep in a week, that's when my body starts to do funky things...palpitations and insomnia when I needed the most sleep, in this particular case...
Ever feel like you have to choose between your ambition and everything else? This week, my sister back in Montreal sent me a text message saying she had a flashback of when she came by for visits and I'd cook for her, and we'd talk about life and things and just go for a walk downtown, back when I had an apartment downtown Mtl...She said she missed me and those times, and that she loved me...that may sound very sweet, but I was worried at that point. My baby sis and I are not the kind to dispense sweet tokens of affection like "I love you" and "I miss you" so readily, whether to each other, friends, or significant others...So when she said that, I knew something was up. So later I started chatting with her, and figured out what it was: her boyfriend of four years has been waking up in the middle of the night and having crazy panic attacks, more frequently and more violently too...I think it's very hard on her, considering she is in school full-time as well, and works in a stressful environment (waitress at a steakhouse) 4 nights a week at least...She has been like Wonder Woman for the past 4 years, and she has taken on about as much as is humanly possible to take. The thing is, she pretty much lives with her boyfriend at his parents'. I mean, technically, she lives with my dad, but she stays there as little as possible...you'd have to know my dad to understand, but that's a whole other story entirely. So point is, she is kind of "stuck" with that, and doesn't really have a place to go to just be alone and unwind, away from the pressures of the world. I think my place downtown and my company provided that outlet when I was there, hence the comment about missing me and the good times we had downtown.
I gave her some advice regarding her boyfriend's panic attacks, such as stress management techniques, and seeking professional medical help at this point (obviously!), as this is something she really has little power to alleviate. If you ask me, my sister's life is more stressful than her boyfriend's by a factor of at least 1000, but everybody handles stress differently I suppose...Anyway, I just wish I was there to lend some real support, rather than playing 15-minute-facebook-counsellor in between an assignment and a lab report writeup. Also, my mom has bipolar disorder, and I really should be home to help. I feel so guilty all the time for wanting to have my own life. I took time off school to help support my mom when she got worse, which essentially accomplished nothing, other than getting me to give up full entrance scholarships by taking time off school, which has made it much harder for me to pay for uni than it should have been, considering I was formerly entitled to top entrance scholarships...But now I have been back in school for a while, and my mom is once again not doing so well. I feel as though whenever I am focusing on school, and not fretting about everyone else in my life who needs someone to lean on or a crying shoulder, I am being a terrible person. I hate guilt. It's the worst feeling in the world. There are these amazingly intelligent and gorgeous girls in my Pharmacology class, two of which I'd give up the rest of my life if I could go on a single date with them. But I simply have no time for them due to all the burdens I must shoulder for others in my life. Sometimes I feel as though fun is just a distant memory from a former life. If all I had to worry about were my own problems, i.e. keep getting stellar grades in school and shop for grad/professional schools, I would have so much time to just live a little and restore some balance in my life, but alas my own problems make up the tiniest fraction of what I must take care of in my life.
Oh well, this is more me just unloading than anything else. Soon enough I will go to grad school, and this will alleviate a lot of the stress. I am considering McGill for grad school, which is back home in Montreal, so that would make it easier for me to take care of the people around me. But sometimes I feel as though I should use my schooling as an opportunity to travel, for instance going to a school in California or the UK, where they also have amazing Genetics programs, just like McGill does. But I am afraid I won't do it because I feel the need to be close to those who need me. Is it wrong for me to feel as though they are holding me back? I mean, no one's ever really turned their life upside-down for me, or made major sacrifices on my account, the way I do for some. Nor would I expect or ask them to. So why does it feel so wrong to sometimes wish they would cut me loose, and let me live my life for myself for a change? I feel so strong when I am fighting for my own self, just wish I could do it more...
Any thoughts? And I am not necessarily looking for comments like "You know, it's ok to take care of yourself sometimes." or "You can't change the world." or "You have to put your needs before those of others.", stuff like that...I guess I know all that, despite my actions not always reflecting it. I can't just drop everyone who needs me and whom I love. I am just looking for ways to achieve balance in one's hectic life. Balance seems to be the most elusive concept in my life, seems more like a fantasy than a reality which can be achieved, in my opinion. So any tips on how to achieve it would be great. Or any ideas on how to take care of those you love when you are far away from them, or even just sharing your own stories, would be most welcome. Oh, and be sure to psychoanalyze or criticize me all you want, if you feel a burning need to do so (so long as it's constructive, of course!); I've got a thick skin...
Cheers,
Patty
Ever feel like you have to choose between your ambition and everything else? This week, my sister back in Montreal sent me a text message saying she had a flashback of when she came by for visits and I'd cook for her, and we'd talk about life and things and just go for a walk downtown, back when I had an apartment downtown Mtl...She said she missed me and those times, and that she loved me...that may sound very sweet, but I was worried at that point. My baby sis and I are not the kind to dispense sweet tokens of affection like "I love you" and "I miss you" so readily, whether to each other, friends, or significant others...So when she said that, I knew something was up. So later I started chatting with her, and figured out what it was: her boyfriend of four years has been waking up in the middle of the night and having crazy panic attacks, more frequently and more violently too...I think it's very hard on her, considering she is in school full-time as well, and works in a stressful environment (waitress at a steakhouse) 4 nights a week at least...She has been like Wonder Woman for the past 4 years, and she has taken on about as much as is humanly possible to take. The thing is, she pretty much lives with her boyfriend at his parents'. I mean, technically, she lives with my dad, but she stays there as little as possible...you'd have to know my dad to understand, but that's a whole other story entirely. So point is, she is kind of "stuck" with that, and doesn't really have a place to go to just be alone and unwind, away from the pressures of the world. I think my place downtown and my company provided that outlet when I was there, hence the comment about missing me and the good times we had downtown.
I gave her some advice regarding her boyfriend's panic attacks, such as stress management techniques, and seeking professional medical help at this point (obviously!), as this is something she really has little power to alleviate. If you ask me, my sister's life is more stressful than her boyfriend's by a factor of at least 1000, but everybody handles stress differently I suppose...Anyway, I just wish I was there to lend some real support, rather than playing 15-minute-facebook-counsellor in between an assignment and a lab report writeup. Also, my mom has bipolar disorder, and I really should be home to help. I feel so guilty all the time for wanting to have my own life. I took time off school to help support my mom when she got worse, which essentially accomplished nothing, other than getting me to give up full entrance scholarships by taking time off school, which has made it much harder for me to pay for uni than it should have been, considering I was formerly entitled to top entrance scholarships...But now I have been back in school for a while, and my mom is once again not doing so well. I feel as though whenever I am focusing on school, and not fretting about everyone else in my life who needs someone to lean on or a crying shoulder, I am being a terrible person. I hate guilt. It's the worst feeling in the world. There are these amazingly intelligent and gorgeous girls in my Pharmacology class, two of which I'd give up the rest of my life if I could go on a single date with them. But I simply have no time for them due to all the burdens I must shoulder for others in my life. Sometimes I feel as though fun is just a distant memory from a former life. If all I had to worry about were my own problems, i.e. keep getting stellar grades in school and shop for grad/professional schools, I would have so much time to just live a little and restore some balance in my life, but alas my own problems make up the tiniest fraction of what I must take care of in my life.
Oh well, this is more me just unloading than anything else. Soon enough I will go to grad school, and this will alleviate a lot of the stress. I am considering McGill for grad school, which is back home in Montreal, so that would make it easier for me to take care of the people around me. But sometimes I feel as though I should use my schooling as an opportunity to travel, for instance going to a school in California or the UK, where they also have amazing Genetics programs, just like McGill does. But I am afraid I won't do it because I feel the need to be close to those who need me. Is it wrong for me to feel as though they are holding me back? I mean, no one's ever really turned their life upside-down for me, or made major sacrifices on my account, the way I do for some. Nor would I expect or ask them to. So why does it feel so wrong to sometimes wish they would cut me loose, and let me live my life for myself for a change? I feel so strong when I am fighting for my own self, just wish I could do it more...
Any thoughts? And I am not necessarily looking for comments like "You know, it's ok to take care of yourself sometimes." or "You can't change the world." or "You have to put your needs before those of others.", stuff like that...I guess I know all that, despite my actions not always reflecting it. I can't just drop everyone who needs me and whom I love. I am just looking for ways to achieve balance in one's hectic life. Balance seems to be the most elusive concept in my life, seems more like a fantasy than a reality which can be achieved, in my opinion. So any tips on how to achieve it would be great. Or any ideas on how to take care of those you love when you are far away from them, or even just sharing your own stories, would be most welcome. Oh, and be sure to psychoanalyze or criticize me all you want, if you feel a burning need to do so (so long as it's constructive, of course!); I've got a thick skin...
Cheers,
Patty