rocketeer

I'm pregnant ....i just don't know how it happened. I spose it could have happened that one time when i slipped. I am so confused and scared, i didn't think it was possible.

hmmmmmmm...............Could it be

morbid fascinations of pain and death, jumping, falling, slicing and dicing. It cuts, but it tickles, burning flesh smelling sweet and conjurring mental images of children running through fields. The pills grip the body and a slight feeling of invincibility briefly creates a euphoric sensation before the pain sinks in. It hurts, spinning, falling, crashing, the cold tiles feel comforting as they chill the lips and cheeks.

despair, pain, regret, fear. It's too late, this is a mistake, it was meant to be a game, losing soon to be lost, life draining, escaping, twitching, haemorrhaging, bursting, bleeding. Orifices once sound and clean spilling litres upon litres of vital life, the end is near, tears streaming amidst a realisation that this fantasy of death will now become reality, realisation hurts, the pain will end, but for what.

what will exist, when the body is numb, when the life is gone, what happens .....the fantasy and questions that lead to this demise will remain unanswered....when consciousness fades they can't be answered, they will never be answered....

decisions made life is sacred

i'm not pregnant, it would be funny if i were

i am bored though ......

words can play with the mind, they can make sense, they can be nonsense and silly


waiting, watching, silently hoping, will this be the night, i sure hope so, but what if...what if i am wrong, will the kiss i so desire never arive, what if i this is like every other time, she holds my hands,

tonight is perfect, are we friends, is there more ... i don't know, she looks so beautiful, hey eyes, her smile, she is a friend, i just don't know, can i kiss her, would she let me....what if i am wrong,

i am always wrong, but she is smiling at me, she is not scared of me, but she is nice, she is friendly, yes.... that is it, she is friendly and that is all, i won't do anything, but what if i should, this could be my chance, what do i do

WTF, no, sorry, i didn't mean it...i did, i thought ...no, but, why, what ....sorry, you..no..i....i....i..., but i like you. ..yes, no, ok, i won't...goodbye

so now what ...the voices are back, the thoughts are back,...where will i go, no i can't do that, i'll never do that, ...what about my mother, my family, no, but....



The air was crisp that night, there was a cool breeze clean of odour except for occasional smell of salt carried from the crashing waves some 50 metres away. Down the cliff from the sharp jagged rocks. Hearing only the continued crashing of the waves, alone with thought. Contemplating and thinking.

The sun had long since gone and the only light was from the moon that imposed iself upon everything. It was a full moon and light was dancing and playing on the water, it bounced from the waves and all around, what fun it would be to be a ray of light. And what of this rock, would it bounce and does it feel pain, would i feel pain if i threw myself like this rock, would it hurt, would i feel it, could i throw myself,

would anybody care, would they find me, ...the crabs are efficient and hungry ....
















what is going on with my head, .............................




if you read this and you are wonderingif i am ok, then yes, i am



i am not really emo, i just felt the need to speak some shit, i have had shit like this floating in my head for weeks now

i am not suicidal,

i know i am full of shit

i still intend to write a big journal entry full of pictures and complete with a big story, but for now i don't feel in have the mental capacity to do so

i am getting 2 more piercings in about 7 hours from now so i should get some sleep

i know i speak shit

i am in brisbane tonight, this night i realised how much i do love the place, my bed, my neighbourhood ....my friends? ...i don't really have friends it would seem, i am forgotten all too soon, why ? i have only 2 people i would call genuine friends, they are special people and i would do anything for them, i have 2 or 3 other friends who i think are good people and thent here are acquaintances

James is still fucked ....louise can die

since when does a "best-mate" go out with an ex, especially one who said she wanted me dead and tried to have me bashed


oooooh...fuck, i should go


funny shit when your friends move right on in and tear at your heart, they can't help it ...

i am pathetic, i have said too much,

bye,

don't love me