rocketeer

OK, so i have spoken to her a little ....oh shit, that's right, i haven't "spoken" to her, i have "chatted" with her on msn ....cause the phone is impersonal and expensive and she won't let me see her in person 'cause she is busy or some shit.

I have however been able to find out some information as to why she has gone silent ....and yeah, it is my fault. Aparently i seemed confused when she said she would like to slow down the relationship, i was a little confused but i wasn't annoyed. I just asked her if there were any reasons ...and she said "i can't explain" ...so although a little confused i wasn't annoyed so i let it go and was just going to be happy to continue seeing her 2 times a week and that would be about it.

Apparently me questioning her if there was any reasons, even though i got no response and didn't ask more than once made her feel uncomfortable about talking to me on issues such as that. ...further that, she said it made her feel that i was making her feel trapped and unable to enjoy herself....so yeah, she said it was my fault.

A week and a half went by and she didn't answer her phone, wasn't on msn ...well, she wasn't for me.... and didn't respond to msgs .....i asked her if her phone was working and i was promptly told, yeah, thanks for all the msgs they were "nice" ....it would have been "nice" for a response.......

So when i do find myself able to chat to her on msn, she explained to me pretty much everything i have detailed earlier.

I asked why have u gone so cold on me,

and she replied something similar to .......... : When i started going out with you i though it would be good because u go out a lot and i would be able to do my own thing .......

i asked what does that meant to mean,

and i was told in similar word to these: u wanting to do stuff with me is making me feel trapped.

Me : well...do u still want to be with me, seriously?

her : i like having you there, you were meant to be the sort of b/f that doesn't mind what i would do and not want to do lots of stuff with me


....ok, ok ....so a bit more continued after that .........

My head is now fucked up, i have had relationships before where i have been accused of a lot and often told that i am a bad b/f cause i don't try.....

so going into this i had taken all the bad things i had done in the past, thought about them and made a conscious effort not to repeat tham so that i would have a genuine chance with this girl

And WTF happens ...i am told that i am a good b/f and treat her well, but she doesn't want that right now, she wants to be able to say that she has a b/f but not do anything with him ....fucks me why, how does that work......

But to make things worse, she still wants me because she "likes me" .......fucking fuck fuck fuck

I hate the way the girls of this world make me feel .....normally i can accept that i have fucked up, but this time, i haven't fucked up ...i have been sooo much better than expected that i end up being told to take a back seat and to leave her alone, but to still be her b/f

life doesn't work that way i am afraid and i am tired of my head getting fucked

i am not calling her, have blocked her msn and am not going to sms her.........if i don't get a phonecall, or better, a visit from her within a week i am going to inform her that due to us acting as friends for 3 weeks we might as well be friends and that we would not be together

it is not what i want to do, but it is what i feel i have to do, i have been going insane of late

I wish i could just wake up tomorrow and find out that this has been a 3 week dream, but i know that this is reality ....my reality is harsh at times and the experiences that i have had with girls has fucked me up beyond belief and i find myself bitter resentful towards thoughts of me finding happiness.....

Welcome to my life, it is a nightmare sometimes only as bad as a bad dream ...........all i want is to feel happy





I hope and pray that she calls me, i hope that she comes back, i hope she realises what she is doing

But i am sure she won't call and i am sure that it will be "my fault" for not contacting her...such is the pattern that my relationships with girls follows






So am i destined to be alone, i sure hope not, but it gets harder and harder to let people into my life when every time i do i end up in tears and just wanting to disappear