rocketeer

I feel so alone.....

When one returns from a year abroad, in another country, another hemisphere of course one can expect that the world that once existed has changed.

BUT I HATE IT

Although self diagnosed i am certain that i am again depressed................

Depression sucks .... i know that it is a state of mind and that if i ride it out it "should" go away once i adjust to life back in Brisbane, but i feel so alone and my problems seem worse than they really are.

I should focus on the good things i have going for me, but the slightest setback and i find myself spiraling back to the dark corner of my consciousness where there is nothing but darkness and negativity.

My 18 y/o sister has disappeared, not literally, but she might as well have. 2 weeks now i have been home and i have spoken to her for less than 5 minutes in total. She is but a shell of the happy, positive little sister i left behind when i went to Canada. We were close when i left, but now she is too stoned most of the time, she only comes home to sleep, mum and dad don't know what to do and i feel torn.....

do i say something, do i sit back and hope. I want to help but i am scared i will drive her further away. I know the main problem is her b/f, he is everything a bad stereotype could be, but she aparently loves him and i must respect that .....

but it hurts, she has so much potential, more than i ever had and i can't stand to see her waste it.......i hope she comes back to us (my family) .....we love her, but she doesn't realise....

....fuck i love her but where was i for the last year...... somewhere else having my time in the sun - so i am unable to help now, i must watch......i am there if she needs me,

Brisbane is a city that discriminates....... i went out tonight and although it was a tuesday night, i quite liked the house music being spun down town. I was delighted to see the floor was sparcely populated so i found my dark corner and escaped......

..............Fuck i was told i was drunk, asked to leave and escorted out....... 6 rums.... I WAS NOT FUCKING DRUNK....

That made shit worse ........i needed to escape and then i couldn't... i was deemed drunk because brisbane likes clones....i hate bump and grind dancing it sucks..... I WAS in a corner , i was not harming anyone, i was not drunk ...... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK .....





Pain ...... Sadness ...... Insanity ..... Madness.....

When will this end, why am i suffering......

3 am i got home this morning ..... i lost it i couldn't fight them anymore ........ they ran and trickled, each one dripping into the pool. I went for a swim, there i could escape, beneath the water where nothing external could be heard......i heard my heart, it reminded me that inside me is a fire and passion....

I am special, i know i am..... i must be ....if i wasn't noone would care..... One day this will be over, gone forever will be the pain, the missery, the anguish....

instead there will only be the laughter and joy both internal and external.....

One day i will be laughing, with my children, their children and my siblings children and their children.....

I know i will ..... it will happen, i must happen .....

but happiness seems so far away ....

................WHY MUST I ACHE............

I am tired now ....but just like previous posts....when my emotions and feeling are let out ....they disappear....

Posted here for later times, when sadness is replaced by joy and i want to read my story

for i am special, my story unique and one day i will share it with someone special and feel happy

one day i will wonder why i felt so down

but for now i can only frown ......

FUCK THIS SHIT

FUCK IT ALL

FUCK EVERYTHING THAT IT STANDS FOR

I AM OUT >>>>>>>>

who knows when i will be back

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