How I got into the sex industry
From a very young age I developed the idea that a womens greatest power was her looks. Lets not bullshit-looks matter. Looks matter in our society in particular, where beauty is seen as a more desirable quality then, oh lets say kindness. Oh it's true-statistics prove so. In one survey I once read, it reported that kids in third grade rather have cancer then get fat. Why?? Cause' People who are fat our seen as ugly. What does ugly mean? I don't really know, all I know is the beauty industry is huge, from cosmetics, to platic sugery, to diet aids, etc. Anyway, I knew from we will say 5 for certain, that a women being seen as a sex object was a sure way to noticed. Now, knowing what I know about myself, I know this is sorta sick, and really stems from being abused sexually when I was even younger then five, but I get off the point.
Anyway, to speed up. I grew up nicley, and by middle school while my peers had me pinned as wierd and a bit of a "ecentric" I was also dubbed as, well, what did one boy say "bangin." Since the majority of people had more pleasent things to say about my appearance, opose to my personality-which was like a manic depressive person on crack- I always knew that my looks were what drew people in. Ofcourse my real friends-my posse- they loved me for me, my thoughts, ideas. They did not care at all that I was quickley getting over my sunny dispostion and trading it for a more "sullen" demeanor. But anyway, my looks served as a bit of confidence for me for many years. I used them/ my sexuality, as protection against those who would never understand what lay beneath the make-up.
Around 11th grade, just a bit after I became sexually active, I become ugly. I put on weight, don't shower, I become really gross. At this time the boy I was with and who had lossed my virginty to, completly mirrored the person who use to sexually abuse me, and for awhile Ii acted towards the boyfriend as I had acted towards the abuser in my family. Ii did what I was told, became very quiet, and very non threatning. The girl who had once worn a slip to school and combat boots( I was trying to bring the whole riot girl thing back), breast proudly shower underneath-now whore massive( in a unattractive way) men sweaters and nikes. It was horrible. Before the loss of my virginty and my looks, I was more of a ..courtney love. Loud, sorta crazy, fun,wasn't afraind to show skin, and even though I was agressive people seemed to take to me. Now, I felt more like Anna Nicole and people looked at me like a car wreck.
I am side tracking..lets speed this up for real. The summer I go into senior year I develope an eating disorder-Ii stay sick from 2000 to early 2003. From those years I learned a few things..mainly that I was incredibly dependent on the use of my external because my internal was so fucked up. I cleaned myself up-new diet/excercise thing, therapy, lots of reading, lots of alone time, lots and lots of time thinking about my life.
I move away, break up with evil boyfriend, but heres the thing. While much more confident in my internal person, and could care less about being seen in sweats, I still saw that people would always prefer the Rochelle who did crazy things, and wore high heels in the dead of winter, opose to the Rochelle who would sit and chain smoke with you till dawn, analizing the lyrics to some obsure blues song or what not. The boys I fell for never fell for the girl I really was. They fell for the sex kitten ( even though I had only slept with one person) or worse, they fell for that broken girl, which is so gross and pediphilic. Broke and frustrated I didn't know what to do.
I had always been fasinated by the stage-having a band in high school, and doing plays and what not when I was a bit younger. The Spring before I moved, I became increasingly interested in the sex industry. I had come to terms with the fact that I had been abused, but was not too keen on doing more then acknoledging the events. Ii knew that I took a sick pleasure in knowing the fact that men saw me as a peice of meat-a fantasy, nothing ever real. I am still a emotional masochist. Men tell me I am pretty and I want to cry. When you are pretty, you can be fucked up and still get fucked..you follow. Take the looks away and your just a fucked up girl and no one is going to touch you.
I fell for a boy that Ii thought was different when I moved-and he was, but when we first met, he liked me for the same reasons they all like me-I can roll with the boys, talk dirty, kick ass, and do it all in a mini skirt. He and I am some other kids went to a strip club-my idea, since me and my best gal had previously gone to one and I had loved it. At the club Ii was approached to work there. I said no, but now I was single and I could do what I pleased. I made a date to audition and thus a week later, I was a stripper at a all nude strip joint. But working 5 days a week, and going to school proved to be challenging. I was dealing with a lot and needless to say the sky fell on me.
I was blowing all my money on bills, and drugs, and new strip clothes. I wa smissing all my classes, and the girls were fake-smiling at you one moment, then trying to either fuck you or beat you up over some stupid shit. The boy I liked was not into "dating" a stripper, and can I just tell you, stripping is hard. Your legs hurt so bad after hours and hours on 6 inch heels, and your arms hurt from the pole, and your bruise everywhere. Your cunt gets dry from all teh dry humping and you feel like shit when you do not make any money or guys think you will fuck them just because you dance and its not worth it. One night, I got this creepy guy, and I knew something was worng about him, but I wanted my money so I just did my lap dance and hoped he wouldn't try to break my neck in that tiny back room. When he asked for another dance I was surprised because he had not seemed to excited before. I mean he was "excited" but he never talked to me like most guys do, or even smile or moan or anytning. I should of known to say no, but that job will make money your god. I swear Ii have never been money hungry before, and the money isn't that consistently good, unless you work in vegas or something, but you become money hungry in those places. I did the dance, and Ii regret it because that mother fucker gizzed on me, when I was dancing from behind. Yyou should of heard me scream!!!
Anyway, a week later, depressed, and just too tired to cry, I called into work and never returned again.
Still months later, cleaned up emotionally and physically, I still had that urge. The urge to be seen, to exploit my "goods", to be destructive to myself but not. I avoided dancing because I had learned my lesson, but when I got hired to be a go-go girl I took the job. It was far better cause I got a pay check, and kept my clothes on, but I got to do what I really love, which is dance, and make people dance and have a good time. That was a lot of fun and the other dances were so much cooler there. People are cooler in the sex industry when you do not compete for cash. When you all get paid equal, its easier to relax and not have to watch your back. Most of the other dances had been strippers once upon a time too. All of them trying to recover from that life, all of them had fallen victme to drugs too. I left that job once I was tired of using my weekends to work, and also the managment had changed and I didn't like the new people too much.
Later, in the summer after family problems, and me having not a lot of choice but to completly deal with the abuse-flashbacks-I found myself somewhat of the blacksheep, and without any support again, and Ii was about to move, and so I went looking to the sex industry once more. Its addictive. People think anyone can be a stripper or a pornsatr, but thats not true. You are born to be these things. Something inside of you reaches out to it, identifies with it, something in you is not repulsed by the idea of dirty hands on your skin. It makes you want to cry, but it feels worse to deny yourself.
But as I said before, I was really coming to terms with a lot of shit, and at 21, I was not going to abuse myself anymore. I went to look for a dancing job, with the goal to quit after I had earned just a bit over 2000, so I could move and what not and just have some cash under my belt. By Gods gace, the first place applied for not only wanted dancers, but they needed a bartender. I was already working as a secretary so I took the bartending job, because that gave me a actaul paycheck, plus my tips. The girls are a lot nicer to the bartenders then the other dancers. I am technically not cometition.
I had loved that job, but once again I fell into a bad element, and thats what the sex industry really is in a nutshell.
On one hand its a great thing, because sex is great and being comfortable with it is great, but a lot if not all of the poeple in those places are fucked up. The dancers, myself, even the lost boy Keith, who was my boss there..we are all there because our dreams had been broken, our families so fucked up, we so fucked up..the sex industry is not built on the exploitation of sex but of broken dreams and hearts.
I had a broken heart while I was working there, and I left myself vulnerable to some really bad shit, and very bad people. Coke was involved,tapped phones, a lot of lies, and a assualt. I left that job with my life, and what was left of my soul, and now a real drug problem...
That is where I met the SG website. I had discovered it during the summer-I had gone with one of the clubs dancers on a day off to the bookstore and found the book and fell in love with it..ever loving art, and beautiful women, and more importantly women who could hold their own. The fall that I quit the club, I spent a lot of my time on the web searching the site, adn finally became a member.
I thought about going back into the sex industry...I was gonna do porn. But, God once more saved my ass. I had the mother of all flashbacks, and several emotional breakdowns, and after writing and writing, and much crying I came to the conclusion that no matter what I would nver go back into that shit. Not because its bad or the people are bad. Frankly they deserve repsect because those girls work hard for their money. People are people regardless of what they do, and some people are just inclined to be evil assholes. I will not go back into the sex industry because I can not support a place where so many girls are there not becasue of the money really, but because like me, they had something stolen from inside of them and this is their desperate misguided way of claiming it back. Its sad, and while I will never opose teh sex industry, maybe even go get a lap dance one day again, I can not really ever be apart of it, or advicate it because I know how these women got there, and it makes me want to cry.
Now, I would totally be a go-go girl because thats so different and so fucking fun, and I miss it lots. Think of J.Lo in the get right video, with her dancing on the bar, and you have me, with two boys on either side dancing to electronic techo( I worked at a gay club when I was a go-go). So fun so fun so fun.
PEACE
From a very young age I developed the idea that a womens greatest power was her looks. Lets not bullshit-looks matter. Looks matter in our society in particular, where beauty is seen as a more desirable quality then, oh lets say kindness. Oh it's true-statistics prove so. In one survey I once read, it reported that kids in third grade rather have cancer then get fat. Why?? Cause' People who are fat our seen as ugly. What does ugly mean? I don't really know, all I know is the beauty industry is huge, from cosmetics, to platic sugery, to diet aids, etc. Anyway, I knew from we will say 5 for certain, that a women being seen as a sex object was a sure way to noticed. Now, knowing what I know about myself, I know this is sorta sick, and really stems from being abused sexually when I was even younger then five, but I get off the point.
Anyway, to speed up. I grew up nicley, and by middle school while my peers had me pinned as wierd and a bit of a "ecentric" I was also dubbed as, well, what did one boy say "bangin." Since the majority of people had more pleasent things to say about my appearance, opose to my personality-which was like a manic depressive person on crack- I always knew that my looks were what drew people in. Ofcourse my real friends-my posse- they loved me for me, my thoughts, ideas. They did not care at all that I was quickley getting over my sunny dispostion and trading it for a more "sullen" demeanor. But anyway, my looks served as a bit of confidence for me for many years. I used them/ my sexuality, as protection against those who would never understand what lay beneath the make-up.
Around 11th grade, just a bit after I became sexually active, I become ugly. I put on weight, don't shower, I become really gross. At this time the boy I was with and who had lossed my virginty to, completly mirrored the person who use to sexually abuse me, and for awhile Ii acted towards the boyfriend as I had acted towards the abuser in my family. Ii did what I was told, became very quiet, and very non threatning. The girl who had once worn a slip to school and combat boots( I was trying to bring the whole riot girl thing back), breast proudly shower underneath-now whore massive( in a unattractive way) men sweaters and nikes. It was horrible. Before the loss of my virginty and my looks, I was more of a ..courtney love. Loud, sorta crazy, fun,wasn't afraind to show skin, and even though I was agressive people seemed to take to me. Now, I felt more like Anna Nicole and people looked at me like a car wreck.
I am side tracking..lets speed this up for real. The summer I go into senior year I develope an eating disorder-Ii stay sick from 2000 to early 2003. From those years I learned a few things..mainly that I was incredibly dependent on the use of my external because my internal was so fucked up. I cleaned myself up-new diet/excercise thing, therapy, lots of reading, lots of alone time, lots and lots of time thinking about my life.
I move away, break up with evil boyfriend, but heres the thing. While much more confident in my internal person, and could care less about being seen in sweats, I still saw that people would always prefer the Rochelle who did crazy things, and wore high heels in the dead of winter, opose to the Rochelle who would sit and chain smoke with you till dawn, analizing the lyrics to some obsure blues song or what not. The boys I fell for never fell for the girl I really was. They fell for the sex kitten ( even though I had only slept with one person) or worse, they fell for that broken girl, which is so gross and pediphilic. Broke and frustrated I didn't know what to do.
I had always been fasinated by the stage-having a band in high school, and doing plays and what not when I was a bit younger. The Spring before I moved, I became increasingly interested in the sex industry. I had come to terms with the fact that I had been abused, but was not too keen on doing more then acknoledging the events. Ii knew that I took a sick pleasure in knowing the fact that men saw me as a peice of meat-a fantasy, nothing ever real. I am still a emotional masochist. Men tell me I am pretty and I want to cry. When you are pretty, you can be fucked up and still get fucked..you follow. Take the looks away and your just a fucked up girl and no one is going to touch you.
I fell for a boy that Ii thought was different when I moved-and he was, but when we first met, he liked me for the same reasons they all like me-I can roll with the boys, talk dirty, kick ass, and do it all in a mini skirt. He and I am some other kids went to a strip club-my idea, since me and my best gal had previously gone to one and I had loved it. At the club Ii was approached to work there. I said no, but now I was single and I could do what I pleased. I made a date to audition and thus a week later, I was a stripper at a all nude strip joint. But working 5 days a week, and going to school proved to be challenging. I was dealing with a lot and needless to say the sky fell on me.
I was blowing all my money on bills, and drugs, and new strip clothes. I wa smissing all my classes, and the girls were fake-smiling at you one moment, then trying to either fuck you or beat you up over some stupid shit. The boy I liked was not into "dating" a stripper, and can I just tell you, stripping is hard. Your legs hurt so bad after hours and hours on 6 inch heels, and your arms hurt from the pole, and your bruise everywhere. Your cunt gets dry from all teh dry humping and you feel like shit when you do not make any money or guys think you will fuck them just because you dance and its not worth it. One night, I got this creepy guy, and I knew something was worng about him, but I wanted my money so I just did my lap dance and hoped he wouldn't try to break my neck in that tiny back room. When he asked for another dance I was surprised because he had not seemed to excited before. I mean he was "excited" but he never talked to me like most guys do, or even smile or moan or anytning. I should of known to say no, but that job will make money your god. I swear Ii have never been money hungry before, and the money isn't that consistently good, unless you work in vegas or something, but you become money hungry in those places. I did the dance, and Ii regret it because that mother fucker gizzed on me, when I was dancing from behind. Yyou should of heard me scream!!!
Anyway, a week later, depressed, and just too tired to cry, I called into work and never returned again.
Still months later, cleaned up emotionally and physically, I still had that urge. The urge to be seen, to exploit my "goods", to be destructive to myself but not. I avoided dancing because I had learned my lesson, but when I got hired to be a go-go girl I took the job. It was far better cause I got a pay check, and kept my clothes on, but I got to do what I really love, which is dance, and make people dance and have a good time. That was a lot of fun and the other dances were so much cooler there. People are cooler in the sex industry when you do not compete for cash. When you all get paid equal, its easier to relax and not have to watch your back. Most of the other dances had been strippers once upon a time too. All of them trying to recover from that life, all of them had fallen victme to drugs too. I left that job once I was tired of using my weekends to work, and also the managment had changed and I didn't like the new people too much.
Later, in the summer after family problems, and me having not a lot of choice but to completly deal with the abuse-flashbacks-I found myself somewhat of the blacksheep, and without any support again, and Ii was about to move, and so I went looking to the sex industry once more. Its addictive. People think anyone can be a stripper or a pornsatr, but thats not true. You are born to be these things. Something inside of you reaches out to it, identifies with it, something in you is not repulsed by the idea of dirty hands on your skin. It makes you want to cry, but it feels worse to deny yourself.
But as I said before, I was really coming to terms with a lot of shit, and at 21, I was not going to abuse myself anymore. I went to look for a dancing job, with the goal to quit after I had earned just a bit over 2000, so I could move and what not and just have some cash under my belt. By Gods gace, the first place applied for not only wanted dancers, but they needed a bartender. I was already working as a secretary so I took the bartending job, because that gave me a actaul paycheck, plus my tips. The girls are a lot nicer to the bartenders then the other dancers. I am technically not cometition.
I had loved that job, but once again I fell into a bad element, and thats what the sex industry really is in a nutshell.
On one hand its a great thing, because sex is great and being comfortable with it is great, but a lot if not all of the poeple in those places are fucked up. The dancers, myself, even the lost boy Keith, who was my boss there..we are all there because our dreams had been broken, our families so fucked up, we so fucked up..the sex industry is not built on the exploitation of sex but of broken dreams and hearts.
I had a broken heart while I was working there, and I left myself vulnerable to some really bad shit, and very bad people. Coke was involved,tapped phones, a lot of lies, and a assualt. I left that job with my life, and what was left of my soul, and now a real drug problem...
That is where I met the SG website. I had discovered it during the summer-I had gone with one of the clubs dancers on a day off to the bookstore and found the book and fell in love with it..ever loving art, and beautiful women, and more importantly women who could hold their own. The fall that I quit the club, I spent a lot of my time on the web searching the site, adn finally became a member.
I thought about going back into the sex industry...I was gonna do porn. But, God once more saved my ass. I had the mother of all flashbacks, and several emotional breakdowns, and after writing and writing, and much crying I came to the conclusion that no matter what I would nver go back into that shit. Not because its bad or the people are bad. Frankly they deserve repsect because those girls work hard for their money. People are people regardless of what they do, and some people are just inclined to be evil assholes. I will not go back into the sex industry because I can not support a place where so many girls are there not becasue of the money really, but because like me, they had something stolen from inside of them and this is their desperate misguided way of claiming it back. Its sad, and while I will never opose teh sex industry, maybe even go get a lap dance one day again, I can not really ever be apart of it, or advicate it because I know how these women got there, and it makes me want to cry.
Now, I would totally be a go-go girl because thats so different and so fucking fun, and I miss it lots. Think of J.Lo in the get right video, with her dancing on the bar, and you have me, with two boys on either side dancing to electronic techo( I worked at a gay club when I was a go-go). So fun so fun so fun.
PEACE
I feel exactly the same
i dont know why i feel thtat way though
i get turned on just by the idea of people fantasising about me
that is why i love SG
when i meet guys in real life that know me on here
i feel like i have this power over them
and i like it
is that bad????
and i've always had a thing for guys 2-3 years younger then me
just because i know that they think it's hot to be with a chick older...
isn't that wierd
i like to make people's fantasy's come true
not that everyone wants me.....
but i've alwyas been overly confident about my outward appearance
and i'm horrible when it comes to sharing how i feel
i could go on forever.... i'm gonna post this in my journal and tell everyone to come read yours too!!!!
and about stripping
i'm not doing it for money
i'm doing on the side of doing hair
it's not gonna be my main job..
i'd do it 3 night a week at most
i'm sorry i dont want to be rude
but i just dont agree with you on everything
not everyone in the sex industry is that fucked up
i was never abused in any way
but ever since i can remember i have always been a very sexual person
it just seems like u are slamming the entire business
not everyone does it cause they were ruined
and have fun
dance the night AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry that shit has been so rough for you. I understand a lot of what you are talking about and comend you for being brave enough to share it with us.
I don't know if it will be helpful for you, but I have always tried to just look at unfortunant, nay, horrible things that happen as a way to learn about the people who are more common and ignorant then myself. I hate hearing the old everything happens for a reason speel myself and do not believe it happens for any reason other then some sick persons idea of a good time. Just take what you can from the fucked upd situation and walk away from it. Use it to make yourself the tough bad ass chick I know you are anyway!
If you feel uncomfortable in the sex industry just stay away from it. Many people who share siimilar issues find it to be both a trigger and a trap.
As far as the drug thing... You know what you have to do to help yourself. Let me know if you need any help.
I think you are a smart, caring girl who deserves all the happiness life could give... Sometimes you just have to get out there and find it.